User blog:RoboHobo77/Shiftlock's Notes To Self III

((IC/OOC and all that stuff like before. Private IC thoughts, not to be revealed or acted on without OOC consent.))

---

I feel like I can breathe again.

I've settled a lot of old matters, both in my head, and in person.

That Combaticon and I have come to an understanding. I can't even afford to name him in these notes, but if anyone finds this and knows me at all, they'll know who I'm talking about. I didn't think it was possible to love someone and understand that you'll almost certainly never be with them. Now I not only know it, I accept it. We feel the same way about each other, but we know that duty comes first, even if that means we have to end each other. Maybe some might call it sick, but I'd rather die by his hands than in any other way. It would be the last and only gift I could ever give him.

Alternately I'm remembering what it was about Punch that I liked in the first place. I can finally relax around him and not want to run. I've let him in and it doesn't scare me like it once did. He's welcome to come and go in my life as he pleases, and I'm happy to have him there.

I thought that fighting in the tunnels of Crystal City to get to Sideswipe and save his stupid aft would bring back painful memories, that I'd just lock up remembering everyone that died, but ... no. It was actually a healing experience; dropping Battletrap like a bad habit and ventilating Buzzsaw made the experience something to settle me. I finally felt like my life was under control instead of out of my hands.

I dunno what to make of Solstice. The femme looks like me but her behavior is so ... erratic. Did she get bad code like me? Because I swear sometimes it's like there's more than one of her living in that laser core. Kind of creeps me out. Nothing personal against her, but I don't think I want to be around her any more than is absolutely necessary.