Decepticonz: The Movie by Michael Bay

< Decepticon > Blueshift says, "Fleet transformed into a motorbike and escaped sir!"

< Decepticon > Redshift says, "You're an idiot."

< Decepticon > Fleet says, "Blueshift, you are amazing. And you're free to interpret that in a positive manner."

< Decepticon > Blueshift says, "Now to return for my /victory party/"

< Decepticon > Blueshift says, "Where are the wenches, by Unicron's beard"

< Decepticon > Ramjet says, "Wenches.. wenches.."

< Decepticon > Blueshift says, "Sorry, I meant WRENCHES"

< Decepticon > Ramjet says, "Those are less interesting."

< Decepticon > Blueshift says, "You know, I always had a soft spot for the Autobot femmes. Like Elita One, Moonracer and Wheelie. Mmmmmm"

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "Nnnggh."

< Decepticon > Ramjet says, "In due time."

< Decepticon > Wiretap says, "I could rebuild you into a passable Moonracer if you'd like."

< Television > Hey, what's this? They finally made a new episode of Decepticonz on the Decepticonz Youtube account! Should you click on it, you discover a slick intro, with Paramount Picture's stars swooping past the view, emitting mechanical noises as they fly by, eventually lining up around a mountain and fading away into the Paramount logo. Then, the movie itself begins. The camera reveals a rocky world with metallic spires dotted across its surface. "Cybertron," begins a gruff narrator. "Our home. Or it was, until the Autobotz destroyed it." Abruptly, "Cybertron" explodes into millions of pieces, and swarms of space ships fly towards the view, as if escaping.

< Television > The narrator continues, "And now the Autobotz, in their mad quest for power, have come to Earth." The planet Earth looms on-screen. "Only one boy can stop him, but he does not know it yet. We must find him, before they do..." Then, the words DECEPTICONZ appear on-screen in huge, metallic letters, remaining there for but a moment before the title EXPLODES. Then, the next scene fades in. Some guy that looks kinda sorta like Shia LeBeouf is looking outside his window at his next-door neighbor, a girl who looks sorta like Megan Fox, currently wiping down her motorcycle in an overly suggestive way. "Oh, man," the guy says. "She's so hot. If only I had the courage to ask her out!"

< Television > "Don't worry, son," Galvatron says, lumbering up from the driveway where he was helpfully mowing the lawn with blasts from his fusion cannon. He looks in through another window -- one he makes by ripping a hole in the house. ("Thanks, Galv!" Sorta-Shia's dad yells. "Those lazy contractors were takin' /forever/ to start the remodelin'!") "If you have courage, you can accomplish anything." Galvatron smiles paternally. His voice sounds exactly like James Woods'.

< Television > Blueshift stands in the background behind Galvatron, covered in bling. "Yo yo dawgs" he shouts to Shia. "I'ma bitchin' yo". He starts to eat a bucket of fried chicken, and then munches on a watermelon

< Television > Redshift, our love-torn hero of the heart, sidles up to the sexy little convertable in the next driveway. "Hey there good lookin', how's about you and me go catch a flick at the drive-in? Maybe catch a pint of oil after, I know this great repair joint downtown."

< Television > Ramjet folds his arms and looks away from Redshift. "My daddy Galvatron said you were nothin' but trouble, Redshift."

< Television > Catechism is over next door, helping to wipe down motorcycles with sorta Megan kinda Fox, tee hee! Because that is totally what girls do. She has a whole bucket full of suds to help hose down those dirty, dirty motorcycles.

< Television > Dropzone flies in from down the street and lands on the driveway. After shutting down his thrusters his rear hatch opens revealing a couple of school children exiting the transport. The children thank him for picking them up from school. "No problem guys! You know how important a great education is!" He transforms and joins the rest of the family, "What's up guys?"

< Television > Blueshift staggers about, drinking and stealing hubcaps. "Yo shizzle!" he shouts to Redshift, mouth full of gold teeth. "Im'a gonna jack dis yo!" He then unscrews a cap on his crotch and spews oil everywhere in an hilarious manner, ruining your childhood at the same time.

< Television > Redshift strokes the convertable's smooth bumper, but then his roving eye spies Catechism helping to clean the motorcycles. He lets out a low whistle, eyeing Catechism's nice round cockpit as she gets all soapy. Maybe he can get that fine Seeker to soap up this sweet little convertable!

< Television > Ramjet shrieks in a terrible falsetto, "Aaaah!" as she is struck by oil from Blueshift's crotch. "Oh no! I'm all oily! Now I'll never go to the ball with Redshift's rival, the actually-terrible-and-proves-how-bad-he-is-later-on-and-it-drives-me-to-Redshift-without-me-knowing-about-it-earlier-on, Rodimus Prime!"

< Television > Shia gasps, "Oh, gosh, oh, gosh, my house!" as Galvatron tears his house a new one. Sure, his father doesn't mind, the perpetually awkward boy finds it discomforting. "Uh, look guys, I know you mean well, but oh my gosh, stop blowing everything up!" "Megan," meanwhile, giggles along with Catechism as she cleans those Motorcycles. "Thanks, Cat! I don't know what I'd do without someone to help me keep these dirty things clean!" She bends over, way over, to clean stuff out between the spokes of her bike's tires. Yeeeeaaaah, all right.

< Television > Galvatron rolls his eyes at his comrades' antics. "C'mon, guys," he says, still sounding like James Woods. "Enough with the chicanery. We need to band together to help our human friend Spoke Wotwocky get his dream girl before thouse lousy Autobots launch their next insane scheme." He casually throws the chunk of house he tore off into a neighbor's swimming pool.

< Television > Catechism inquires sweetly of Redshift, "Oh my, that convertible looks so /dirty/. Do you want us to clean it?" She also bends way, way over to lightly tap 'Megan' and asks, "I mean, just look at the size of that thing! Are you up for the challenge?"

< Television > Blueshift races up to Galvatron, tearing his own heart out for no reason. "Galvatron sir, USE MY PARTS!" he cries, before falling over dead at Galvatron's feet

< Television > Ramjet shrieks, "Screw his convertible, I'm all oily! RODIMUS PRIME, the dreamy high school hunk who will later prove to me that he cares only for looks and materialistic goods instead of a loving relationship, will never take me to the ball while I look like this mess!" She leans forward, hiking up her backside at Catechism. "Can you hose me down? I've got oil in my reactor linkage!" Ramjet turns her cone around and tilts it to the side, her optic flickering in a winkuTPWave.

< Television > Redshift rushes to Ramjet's aide as the poor thing gets all oily. "Oh, here, let me help! My poor brother, he's never been the same since the... Accident. It's best just to ignore him, poor soul." He offers Ramjet a cleaning cloth so she can wipe her shapely cone.

< Television > Mixmaster says, "@emit "Sorry I'm late guys!" Mixmaster puffs and huffs. His deadly greens and purples have been toned down to almost friendly pastel, almost easter like colors. "I had to help the rest of the Constructicons rebuilt that school the Autobots knocked over in their rage against my peaceful protestations." He sniffles, looking all choked up as he regards the scene. "They.. they want to teach the New MATH. It must be stopped."

< Television > The scene shifts to a dark, metal room, with lots of dark, dirty, and dusty machinery. In the center of the room is a throne, and a flickering red light shines up from beneath it. In the throne sits the /evil/ Rodimus Prime, his red optics blazing, his face a formed of wires and struts into an alien structure that somehow manages to resemble the real Rodimus Prime. The colors are darkened overall, but the flames decals have really been done up, and cover his whole body, appearing more somehow /hellish./ When he speaks, it's not in English but in a greating combination of clicks, hisses, and some sort of highly synthesized voice. He's so EVIL he doesn't speak English! However, subtitles appear to helpfully explain what is being said. His hand balls into a fist and he brings it down on the arm of the throne. "KUP! You disappoint me once again! WHY have you not yet brought me the Somespark as I have demanded!?"

< Television > Catechism helpfully splashes Ramjet with a bucket full of suds, possibly also getting Redshift all wet in the process. She cooes, "Oh, of course!"

< Television > Ramjet says, "A-hee-hee-hoo!"

< Television > "Megan" thrusts her chest out, proclaiming, "Oh, my, but I'm soooo exhausted already. Look at me, I'm sweating." Sweat rolls down her face, and down by her navel. "Uhhhhhnnnhhhh." Then the scene changes to Rodimus's lair! "Kup" shuffles in then. He appears to be a rusty scrapheap, limping along on a walker that appears to be made of truck parts. "Fo'give me, gov'na! I am but an old mech, aye begora! The Decepticonz are protecting the boy, and we can't get the boy without getting past the Decepticonz!"

< Television > Redshift gets sopping wet, and does his best to laugh along like he's part of the joke. "It's ok, Ramjet! We'll get you cleaned up in time to go to the ball with... that other mech... if that's what you really want..."

< Television > Kup adds, "The boy knows where the Somespark is, uh wuh-huh! He is the only one... but maybe, me Lord, if we can't get him, we can get HIS WOMAN!" He grins lecherously, the dirty old bastard.

< Television > Ramjet says, "Oh of course it is! I couldn't imagine going to the ball with anyone other than Rodimus Prime! I mean who else is there to go with? You, the actually-well-meaning-and-courageous-boy-who-spearheads-the-defeat-of-the-evil-menace-but-I-can't-see-that-because-all-I-see-you-for-is-a-poorly-dressed-and-coiffed-geek?"

< Television > Redshift cleans the soapsuds off his glasses, and checks his pocket protector for leaked ink.

< Television > Ramjet turns to the screen and winkusTPWave

< Television > Nightbeat, appears from some poor lightning behind Kup and is decked out with a decal saying "No one expects the Autobotz Inquisition". He suggests, "OR I could just accost random human youths until we hit the right one. It has to happen eventually, right?"

< Television > Galvatron slaps his forehead. "Mamma mia!" he says, watching his compatriots be their lovably cut-up selves. Beneath him, Spoke Wotwocky's mother comes up. "Uh, Mister Galvatron?" "--yes, ma'am?" "Someone sent a big package for you earlier!" "HM!" Galvatron picks up Blueshift's severed heart and throws it from hand to hand like a tennis ball as he walks over to what appears to be a gigantic birthday present, wrapped and with a bow. "Well, that's funny. I didn't know I /had/ a birthday."

< Television > Rodimus Prime stands up, rips off the arm of his throne, and throws it at Kup and Nightbeat. "WELL GET TO IT!" he screams. "This has taken too long! I want the Somespark now!" Then he starts stomping his right foot and shouting like a spoiled chiled, "NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!" Finally, he calms from his tantrum and points, "Do what you must to get the boy. Even capturing his girl. Even accosting random youths. And EVEN softening the childrens' minds with NEW MATH!" Man, he /is/ evil!

< Television > Nightbeat recoils as Rodimus Prime chucks the arm of a throne at him, and he explodes a bit as it hits him. "Gnn. The NEW MATH, my lord? And they say /I'm/ a bad cop!" He transforms into a Porsche with absolutely ludicrous flame detailing and zooms off to accost random youths with math textbooks.

< Television > Kup comically yelps as as the piece of throne is tossed at him, ducking under it. "At once, me Lord, at once!" He shuffles away from the throne for a few moments, then goes through an unbelievably intricate and complex transformation into truck mode before he drives right through the wall of Rodimus's secret lair, an explosion following in his wake.

< Television > Redshift says, "Is there anything I can do to help you get ready for your big date, Ramjet?" Redshift asks, unassummingly, before turning to Galvatron. "I thuoght your birthday wasn't for another 7.6 BREEMS? Are you sure it's for you, handsome and wise Galvatron?""

< Television > Catechism comments wistfully, "It is such a shame that Vector Sigma cannot be here to see you now, Ramjet." She claps at Galvatron's present and exclaims, "I'm sure you'll get a bang out of it, boss!"

< Television > Shia runs out of his house, waving his hands around in a panic. "Oh, my gosh, stop killing yourselves! Mom, he doesn't want your pot brownies! Uh, uh, DROPZONE!" He waves to the big Decepticon to get his attention. "Could you clean up Blueshift's parts or something? Oh my gosh!" As he scrambles around, "Megan"--eh, let's call her "Sloozy"--giggles as she turns a garden hose on Ramjet and Redshift, though somehow she gets most of the water on her white T-Shirt.

< Television > Back in the Evil Lair Rodimus Prime gives a parting order to Kup as he drives off, "Oh, and maybe you can get some information out of that chick, Ramjet. I think she's got a thing for me!" Of course, he says all this is EVIL ALIEN, but you get the picture.

< Television > Ramjet taps her finger to her chin. Her cleft chin. Big, beefy cleft chin. "Well clearly the only way to save the day is if you buy me a new dress in a terrible attempt to impress me, Redshift! And then we'll bake a cake! It's a peace of cake to bake a pretty cake!"

< Television > Galvatron hms. "Well, the tag says 'TO GALVATRON,' in... English, for some reason, so I guess it is. Maybe it's an early gift from our allies on Cybertron." Galvatron reaches over and tugs at the giant box's ribbon -- when, suddenly, it EXPLODES, in a massive EXPLOSION that lasts about five minutes. When it settles, Galvatron blinks to find the lid of the box askew -- and from out of it bursts -- "QUICKSWITCH!" Galvatron shoots the evil Autobot in the head instinctively, only for the nefarious box-dweller to laugh and transform to his puma mode. So Galvatron shoots his puma head off. He then laughs and transforms into jet mode, so Galvatron shoots his cockpit off. This continues until there is nothing left but a wriggling metal box with six smoking holes in it.

< Television > Redshift's poorly coifed coif is ruined by another spray of water, but he tries(and fails) to laugh it off. Poor Redshift, always the butt of the joke. "Of course I'll help, you, Ramjet.. Oh no! Look out!" He shouts as Quockswotch explodes out of the box, interspersing himself between Ramjet and the humonguous explosion. "Phew! Are you ok?"

< Television > Spoke Wotwocky's reaction to Quickswitch is to scream like a girl and hide behind Sloozy, who stands sexily firm in the face of danger.

< Television > Ramjet seems unaware of Redshift's successful attempt in saving her.

< Television > Catechism ducks and covers at the explosion in the birthday box, landing on a her-sized motorcycle, which she drapes herself over. She pats the motorcycle fondly and whispers, "Good thing you were here to catch me, all big and strong." Then it explodes, sending Catechism flying through the air.

< Television > Redshift pulls a peice of shrapnel out of his chest, leaving a hole shaped like a heart with a crack in it... a hole only Ramjet's sexy cone can fill. "I think... a red dress. It'll match your eyes." He says, removing some more shrapnel.

< Television > Kup suddenly drives up in truck mode, however, and from his cargo bed two extendo-arms shoot out for Ramjet and Sloozy! "Arrr, thank ye for falling for our DISTRACTION, DeceptiTARDS! Now your women belong to me!" Then, presuming he at least nabs Sloozy, he drives off. And yes, he could've just grabbed Spoke, but... but... shut up.

< Television > Being played by Jenna Jameson, Michelle Briar flies the Glaive Puberty into the scene! "Oh hai! It's me Michelle Briar." She begins to look for a target.

< Television > Snapdragon suddenly appears out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, in the wake of the Quickswitch ambush attack! Because it is totally okay to introduce a new character halfway into the movie. In his sparkling white, immaculate robot mode, Snapdragon looks like the archetypal hero, the knight in shining armor! "I, for some reason, know EXACTLY where Kup is taking the women! Follow me!"

< Television > Nightbeat, elsewhere, in... France?! spies some random youths. Rather than accosting them with NEW MATH textbooks himself, he instead barfs out a spider-robot, which clatters over to the youths, waving NEW MATH textbooks menacingly.

< Television > Mixmaster says, "cries out. "Stop, you dastardly scrap. The NEW math doesn't compute!" He heroicly leaps into combat with the spider robots, putting himself inbetween the youths and the nefarious textbooks."

< Television > Redshift says, "Oh thank goodness you convinently know exactly the information we need, Snapdragon! You have to help us recover the female(s), and perhaps give me helpful tips on being a heroic hunk so I can get Ramjet to see me as more than a quiet nerdy-thing!"

< Television > Somewhere else entirely, Rodimus Prime waits impatiently for his flunkies to accomplish something. He would go out and do it himself, but he's far too lazy to actually act until it's almost time for the BIG BATTLE.

< Television > Nightbeat's spider-robot goes squish under the might of Mixmaster. And then explodes. In some incoherent alien language, Nightbeat shouts, "I hate snails!" and attacks a bus.

< Television > Somewhere else entirely, Rodimus Prime growls in EVIL non-English, "I should probably check up on those idiots, KUP and NIGHTBEAT, but I'm far too lazy to activate my communications unit right now."

< Television > Snapdragon nods to Redshift. "Follow MY lead and ALL the girls will adore you!" His teeth sparkle. Why does a robot have teeth? He then holds out a bottle of mountain dew, and places it on the hood of a Chevy. "Come on Shift, you and I will rescue the ladies all by ourselves! It's the -only- way to prove that you are MAN enough for Ramjets womanhood!"

< Television > Catechism pointlessly does nothing, tee-hee! But she's moving too fast for anyone to get a good look at her, anyway. She's really blurry and badly lit, in fact, despite it being a day scene.

< Television > Galvatron throws Blueshift's heart away, where it harmlessly explodes. "Lead on, Snapdragon -- we've got to protect our human allies. Rodimus Prime, wherever you are -- one shall stand... and one shall fall. No matter the cost. All we need now is a little energon... and a lot of luck." Galvatron then turns and salutes a nearby American flag, which explodes.

< Television > Redshift stars in a brief montage sequence where Redshift is taught how to dress sexily, groom himself more appropriatly, getting shiny teeth installed for a killer smile, and how to check out ladies's bosoms without making it obvious! Now he's READY to be a HERO!

< Television > Mixmaster cries out. "Nooooo." in slow motion as the bus's front end crumples under the vicious assault. The screams, the horrible screams of the children inside. "You monster!" he sobs out brokenly, lunging forwards to drive into Nightbeat and, tossing him over his head goes to rip open the bus and save those few who can still be saved in such a cruel situation as this. Pages from the NEW math textbooks flitter about the screen as he weeps.

< Television > Snapdragon gives the newly upgraded Redshift a thumbs up to end the montage sequence, then nods to Galvatron. "Kup is taking the women...to the only place on Earth where bad things ever happen." His twinkling optics go dark for a moment, and a somber hush falls over all assembled. "The MIDDLE EAST."

< Television > "Megan," or Sloozy, shrieks, "SPOOOOOKE!" reaching out for her true love as the evil Kup drags her away. She is forced onto Kup's passenger seat, and, much to her horror, the glove box pops open, and out slithers a robotic tongue, which tries to lick Sloozy's face while Kup giggles to himself. "Ew, gross!" Sloozy shrieks, slamming the glove box shut on the tongue, causing Kup to yelp and retract the tongue. Spoke watches this, yelling, "NOOOOO I WANTED TO DO THAT!" He turns to the Decepticonz, and finally having grown a pair, he says, "I'm going with you guys!"

< Television > Michelle Briar hits a button. "Tyson Greenfield, I need you to watch my back." She looks over the field and gets ready for an attack on the closest Decepticon. Tyson Greenfield, portrayed by Sean Hayes, says into his radio, "What was that? I saw some pretty cute sailors today."

< Television > Redshift says, "The MIDDLE EAST. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy... Good thing we can all fly inside Snapdragon's spacious SR-71 mode, and don't need to resort to random plot devices like teleporting somewhere"

< Television > In, uhm, Dubai, (Yeah, that's the Middle East, right? AND densely populated!) Rodimus Prime is waiting impatiently for Kup to arrive. Despite the fact that he cuts a rather imposing, even frightening figure, he stomps his foot in a manner a bit girlishly and screams in EVIL ALIEN, "SMEEEEEEEE!!" then he corrects. "I mean, KUUUUUUUUP!! NIGHTBEAT!! Why are you taking so long with the chicks! And the math! And the Somespark!" He stomps again and whines, "I don't /wanna/ have to do some work for myself! I didn't MURDER Optimus Prime and TAKE OVER THE AUTOBOTZ so I could do my OWN work!"

< Television > Kup is indeed in the Middle East! Somehow he drove there. Or he used a Space Bridge, I don't know. At any rate, he drives right into the side of a Pyramid, an explosion bursting forth on impact as he makes himself a hole to drive through. Eventually he explosion-drills his way back into Rodimus's lair, where he somehow ejects Sloozy from his front windshield. She lands in a crumpled, sweaty, sexy heap before the villainous Rodimus Prime. "What do you want with me!?" Sloozy demands of the tyrant as she stands up, but not before giving the viewer a good look down her shirt.

< Earth > Monstereo says, "This is KNUJ field reporter Monstereo live in the streets of ... where the heck am I?" Someone throwing a flaming garbage can behind him calls, "Tuscon! Wooooo!" Monstereo smiles and waves back at the rioter. "Tuscon Arizona, one of the many places around the world watching the currently airring internet movie Decepticonz movie. The film has not even finished as of this moment and already there is rioting in the streets of every populated area in the civilized world." He lets the camera view pan around the city block he stands in showing numerous clusters of fanboys in upheaval. Graffiti and vandalism is ongoing. Protest signs are raised. A fat guy with a bad ponytail and thin moustache walks into frame and declares, "Worst. Movie. Ever." He walks off. The view returns to Monstereo, now standing with some group of guys al wearing black t-shirts with the Decepticon logo on it. "I'm joined by the Decepti-cronies, a fanclub located here in Tuscon. What have you gentlement got to say?"

< Television > Nightbeat drives all the way from France to Dubai, transforms, and cringes. "My lord! Mixmaster heroically destroyed my math textbooks. But I did bring you these Krispy Kreme doughnuts." he shows the box off to the camera.

< Television > Snapdragon is suddenly in the Middle East, sitting out in the middle of a safe and secure US Airbase. As the troops pile out, he transforms back into his beautiful robot mode, gives the camera a deliberate wink, and says, "Alright. Now that we're here, we've got to deal with Prime and Kup!  Shift, you ready with your new moves?!"

< Television > Galvatron walks out of Snapdragon's cargo bay in slow motion as some generic post-revival Smashing Pumpkins track plays. He squints as the blazing sun hits his face, holding a hand up -- again in slow motion -- to shade his robot eyes. This slow-motion walk, with the other Decepticonz behind him, continues for approximately fifteen minutes, during which the song is looped in full about three and a half times.

< Television > Oh, wait, the Pyramids, not Dubai, Rodimus Prime approaches the female, crouches, and glower malevolently at her. He reaches out a hand to touch her cheek. And maybe feel her up a little. "From you? Nothing." Then he leers. "Well, maybe not nothing. But what we /really/ want is the location of the SOMESPARK from your boy friend!" Then he looks up as Nightbeat brings him Krispy Kremes and reaches for him, making grabby-hands. "Krispy Kremes?! GIMMEE GIMMEE GIMMEE!!!"

< Television > Oh, wait, the Pyramids, not Dubai, Rodimus Prime is still speaking in EVIL ALIEN, so Sloozy might have a hard time understanding him.

< Television > Redshift appears on screen with a flourish, sporting shiny new paint and sleek new upgrades for some reason, the bright sun relfecting snazzily off his sexy new look... All he needed was confidence! "I'm READY! Those AUTOBOTZ have comitted thier last evil plan! ... Until the next atrocious, brain-searing sequel!"

< Earth > Monstereo holds his mic down to the cluster. "Well we're all just very disappointed, I mean... we're the fans, and the fans are always right. The film maker obviously had his own agenda. So no we're going to boycott this movie by going onto all the chatrooms and opinion forums to slam it relentlessly and make sure all the dumber people out there who don't realize it's bad swing to our opinion, the right opinion. So... yeah, I mean. What a rip off." Monstereo raises the mic and talks, "But the movie is on a youtube account, so it's free, isn't it?" He lowers the mic to the group. "Hey now, it cost us our souls, man. Are you a newb? Get outta here we're done." Monstereo raises the mic and calls out to them as they leave to continue rioting, "I thought the rest of the world would look better to anybody living in Tuscon. Geesh." He then smiles to the camera, "Okay, so reporting live from Tuscon, this has been KNUJ reporter Monstereo. Goodnight, and heaven help us."

< Television > Nightbeat renders the Krispy Kremes unto Rodimus Prime, and he reports, "My lord, these Krispy Kremes are no coincidence."

< Television > If Michael Bay says there's Pyramids in Dubai, then there's Pyramids in Dubai. > :( Anyway, the Decepticonz are greeted by a bald US Army general, who salutes them. "The US Army's ready to back you guys up all the way!" Dramatic, thumping martial music plays alongside footage of tanks and APCs rolling out, A-10 Warthogs launching from airstrips, soldiers grabbing their gear, and Predator drones circling the Pyramids.

< Television > Sunder says, "Sunder receives a transmission. "Understood," he says, "I shall capture Tyson Greenfield!"  The Sweep transforms to Sweepcraftmode and flies off, in search of his prey."

< Television > Oh, okay, in the PYRAMIDS in densely populated Dubai, Rodimus Prime messily stuffs Krispy Kremes into his cruel, inhuman mouth. "What do you mean, no coincidence?" he says in semi-incoherent evil alien while his mouth is full and powdered sugar spews from it. Luckily, the subtitles still work.

< Television > Tyson Greenfield is in his exo, the Nemesis and singing along to music, unaware that he is being prey! "At the Y-M-C-A..." Meanwhile Michelle Briar looks around in her exo, "Be very, very quiet, Tyson, I'm hunting for Decepticonz!"

< Television > Redshift watches as a horde of expensive, tax-dollar-paid-for fighter jets soar overhead, painting a giant Decepticon symbol in the sky with purpel smoke! "Ok team, we attack them here, here, here, here, and here" He says, pointing to the crotch several times on a hastily sketched Autobot drawn in the sand.

< Television > Nightbeat exposits, "This is not the first time our species have met, my lord! I mean, us and the humans. Not you and me. I knew your mother." Nightbeat winks at the camera. Cough. "Yeah. My lord, ancient Transformerss visited Earth and seeded it with Krispy Kremes! If we crack open this pathetic world, we'll find the universe's largest source of Krispy Kreme!"

< Television > Galvatron strokes his chin and nods. "A sound plan, Redshift. But that's what they /expect/ us to do. So what I suggest," he says, pointing down, "is to aim /here/." Galvatron taps the hastily drawn Autobot's chest. "Then, when we've lulled them into a false sense of security, aim /here/." Galvatron then taps the crotch several more times. The sand, somehow, explodes.

< Television > Snapdragon nods to Shift and Galvs all the while, and kind of just fades into the background, having probably played his part in the movie. Now all that remains is for him to be flayed in some heroic and utterly forgettable manner, thus driving Galvatron into a rage enough to destroy Rodimus once and for all. Or not.

< Television > Redshift says, "An excellent plan, my leige! I think I'll use it to my advantage when disarming Ramjet's feminine defenses!"

< Television > Galvatron chuckles, putting on a giant pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. "Good man. Now," he says, hoisting a giant robot-sized grenade launcher, complete with tommy-gun-esque round jammed into it, "let's go to work."

< Television > Megan--SLOOZY stands, wiping herself off. Somehow she can understand Rodimus Prime, though it's not clear how. "Spoke would never tell you where the Somespark is, you filthy Autobot bastard!" she cries. Kup interrupts her heroics, however, by licking at her with his 20-foot long tongue. "EWWW!" she shrieks, scrambling away from the horrible old man.

< Television > Mixmaster is still weeping pitiously, perhaps mourning his lost childhood. The AUTOBOTZ better watch out. There's nothing worse than A HERO driven over the edge by despair. The little kids, unharmed by the crunched bus, swarm around him but he just continues to weep and vow payment.

< Television > Ramjet says, "Aiee I have been captured by old man Dup! Er I mean Kup!"

< Television > Oh, okay, in the PYRAMIDS in densely populated Dubai, Rodimus Prime exclaims, "The universe's largest source of Krispy Kreme?! WE MUST BEGIN DRILLING NOW!!! Though it will ruin this planet's environment." Then he rubs his hands evilly. "An added bonus." He then leers down at Sloozy. "HA! That shows what you know!? Even now, your boyfriend Spoke is heading here, and when he arrives, we will /force/ him to tell us of the Somespark." Then he sidles up to Ramjet, whom he just noticed. "That is, after Ramjet tells me of the Decepticonz heroic plan to stop us so we might THRWART them. Won't you, baby?"

< Television > Ramjet holds the back of her hand to her cone. "I have no idea what you've just said! Oh Rodimus Prime, won't you restore your subtitling so I can understand you?!"

< Television > Redshift says, "Right behind you, Galvatron!" Redshift loads up his small but effective weapon. No need for over compensation now that he has learned heroic confidence!"

< Television > Oh, okay, in the PYRAMIDS in densely populated Dubai, Rodimus Prime ohs. "Oh, hang on." He turns back on the subtitling and repeats what he just said.

< Television > Catechism, elsewhere, wanders through a museum, trying to find an ancient Transformer who can decipher the glyphs she found on Spoke's lunchbox. Because she can't read, yo.

< Television > Ramjet looks to the bottom and reads Rodimus's words past his groin.

< Television > Kup sucks his tongue back in and whines, "Ahhh, boss, I wanted to defile the female Decepticon! You never let me, narf!"

< Television > Snapdragon lays a hand on Spokes shoulder on the eve of battle, thousands of jets and helicopters soaring in the background. "Don't worry Spoke. I'm sure she'll be fine.  Even if she is ...defiled...you can always use this-"  He places a large bottle of Orange Glo with its label directly facing the camera. "To get her back to her untarnished state. Trust me!" His teeth sparkle again.

< Television > Nightbeat turns into a drill and starts drilling, down through the pyramids of Dubai. Wasn't he a car earlier? Oh well.

< Television > Ramjet says, "Oh! Well. He plans on distracting you by shooting you in the chest. Then he'll aim low and vaporize your robo-ticles."

< Television > Oh, okay, in the PYRAMIDS in densely populated Dubai, Rodimus Prime whines, "Damn it, Kup, you /know/ I get to defile the female Decepticonz! Now get back to defiling that human!" Then he grins evilly at Ramjet. "Thanks, UGLY! Now that I know their plan, their defeat is assured!" He looks at Kup. "In fact, you're /so/ repulsive, I think I'll let Kup have you instead." Then he stops and considers. "I don't know, though, my standards are pretty low." OH, and it's all subtitled.

< Television > Oh, okay, in the PYRAMIDS in densely populated Dubai, Rodimus Prime's throne explodes for no real reason. Cherry bomb?

< Television > Ramjet says, "Oh shit your throne just exploded for no real reason! Aiee!"

< Television > Michelle Briar hits a button and somehow blows up in the Glaive Puberty. The Exo flashes a screen that says: GAME OVER.

< Television > Ramjet says, "Wait! You just called me ugly and have shattered both my self-image and my sense of self-worth! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Who will think I am cone-pretty now!?"

< Television > Thrust winks at Ramjet, "This looks like the beginning of a beautiful partnership."

< Television > Mixmaster 's travel montage includes flashes of locations. They go faster and faster. He gets larger and larger until the frame is so close, the glittering fluid running from optics can be seen clearly. There is a brief explosion, and a GAME OVER screen that Mixmaster rips down and tears to little bitty pieces. The last drame is... DUBAI.. Or.. the MIDDLE EAST.. or.. AT LEAST SOMEWHERE IMPORTANT. MY AGENT TOLD ME I'D HAVE A LARGER PART IN THIS MOVIE!

< Television > Rodimus Prime laughs, exclaiming, "There's nothing more fun than destroying a woman's sense of self-worth!!" Then he turns and stomps his foot again like an impatiant child. "NIGHTBEAT," he whines, "drill /faster/! I want that Krispy Kreme!!! Don't make me go over there and kick your ass, because I'm /way/ too lazy to want to do that."

< Television > Spoke Wotwocky, inexplicably clad in army gear now, growls, "If they DO touch her, I'll kill them all myself! I swear it! SLOOOOZY!!!" he screams at the Pyramids. Sloozy, within the Pyramids, dodges out of the way of Kup's nasty tongue, and, having somehow heard her love, screams back, "SPOKE!? I'm in here! Quick, saaaave me!"

< Television > Nightbeat continues to try to drill to Earth's core of Krispy Kreme, as the pyramids explode all around him. He whines back, "Captain, I cannae take much more! But that's okay, because there dozens of extra mes around." He explodes. A second Nightbeat continues the drilling.

< Television > Ramjet sobs! "If only I bothered studying math and science, the UNPOPULAR subjects for girls instead of focusing only on being pretty and popular, I would have something to fall back on! Who will save me from a life of dorkery and hard-work nooow!?"

< Television > Redshift,hardened by his desire to rescue his love interest for this film, careens through the air like a bullet towards the center of the vile Autobotz' secret-but-not-really lair! As the fastest Decepticon, he is the first to arrive, and uses his bombs to make a huge, gloriously fiery explosion of flaming, napalm-scented death to blast his way inside the Autobotz's base! "RAMJET! I'm here to save you singlehandedly from the vile AUTOBOTZ before they violate your conely womanhood!!"

< Television > Rodimus Prime looks up, alarmed. He cringes a moment, like the cowardly coward he is. "What? The DECEPTICONZ are here?!" Then he straightens and whines, "Well, I /guuuueeesss/ I can go out and destroy their hopes and dreams!"

< Television > Galvatron meanwhile marches solemnly through the desert, toward the distant skyscrapers and pyramids of Dubai. Suddenly, out of the sand, MEXIBOT, EARTH-MILITANT BLASTER and EJECTOR arise, firing guns that fire explosions that explode on contact with Galvatron. "Argh!" he cries, and with a 'SHUNK' his cannon's secret sword blade is revealed. He beheads Earth-Militant Blaster (on Earth-Militant, Blaster is a Hasidic rabbi), and kicks Mexibot so hard he spurts oil out of his skidplate. "Not so fast, Galvatron!" Ejector says, holding a gun to the head of noble and heretofore unseen Decepticon Air Guardian BAFFLES. "Terminate yourself, or I terminate him!" "Don't do it, Galvatron!" Baffles calls. "No," Galvatron replies. "I... cannot put my life ahead of another's." Galvatron then rips off his own head, and falls over, apparently dead.

< Television > Ramjet says, "Oh Redshift! I now see you in a completely different light while you are scuffed-up and dingy looking from battle!"

< Television > Ramjet says, "Save me while I enjoy the great taste of Pepsi!"

< Television > Ramjet says, "I mean DIET Pepsi because I am a GIRL and only girls are allowed to drink DIET PEPSI."

< Television > Ramjet says, "Tee-hee-ho!"

< Television > Catechism bursts into Dubai, having been teleported there by OLDSCREAM, who is REALLY REALLY old. She exclaims, "Galvatron, OLDSCREAM says that you are an orphan of a royal dynasty, and only you can kill Rodimus Prime!" And then Galvatron tears off his own head. She puts her hands to her face and sinks to her knees. "Noooooo!"

< Television > Snapdragon follows Redshift in to what might be the climactic battle, but at 2+ hours long who is to freaking know?! "Oh no you don't Rodimus Prime! You and your blasted Autobotz days are numbered here and now!  I, despite not being your arch enemy, feel that I can potentially defeat you in mortal combat!  HAVE AT YOU!" He shoots a few piddly bullets at Prime.

< Television > As Galvatron dies, an evil being on another world awakens. Shrouded in darkness, it raises its head, its red optics gleaming. "YYYYYEEEEEES. THE GALVATRON IS DEAD. NOW IS THE TIME!"

< Television > Redshift says, "Don't worry! I think you're attractive enough to drink FULL CALORIE soda! *wink*"

< Television > Ramjet reaches for a Pepsi but it explodes with excellence.

< Television > Ramjet says, "Aiee!"

< Television > Mixmaster cries. "NIGHTBEAT." and the furor of a million unresolved plot threads comes with him as the secondary character arrives not long afterwards, launches himself at Nightbeat and is /immediately/ lost in the grand scuffle except for the occasional flash of easter green.

< Television > Rodimus Prime is hit by every bullet fired at him, and yet nothing h appens. He then returns fire, a poorly aimed shot, before leaping towards Snapdragon as his right arm becomes a chainsaw! Because only in MELEE can people be defeated!

< Television > Nightbeat explodes as Mixmaster tackles him! Oh no, but there is another Nightbeat, right behind Mixmaster!

< Television > Sunder swoops in to capture the prey, the hapless Tyson! Tastes like chicken?

< Television > Rodimus Prime is suddenly very blurry and shown only by very awkward camera angles.

< Television > Snapdragon leaps towards Prime as well, shooting inaccurately all the while, which is especially obvious in slo-mo! He brings a tremendous sword out of nowhere and slashes it down hard against Prime, but finds it bouncing ineffectively off of Rodimus! "Is this...the power of Krispy Kreme?!"

< Television > Mixmaster gets swamped under Nightbeats, but he pounds and pummels, lashes and sparks, throwing pieces of Nightbeat in all directions to the sound of Rock Opera.

< Television > The US Army also busts into the pyramid, and Spoke leads the charge as they unleash a furious salvo of conventional weapons fire at Kup, sending him staggering back! "SPOKE!" Sloozy yells, running to her savior. The two meet in the middle of the pyramid, embracing. They look each other in they eyes, and then kiss deeply while Spoke continues to fire his rifle at Kup--he's kind of aiming over Sloozy's shoulder.

< Television > Galvatron's headless body lays there as the army closes in on him. "Are you sure you're ready, soldier?" the general asks Josh Duhamel. "I've never been more ready in my life. Good thing we accounted for this happening." Josh Duhamel then steps into a robotic purple suit and slams down his faceplate. Coincidentally, music from the Iron Man movies is playing. Duhamel, in armor, walks toward Galvatron's body, taking a few shaky steps -- and then leaps into the air. In dramatic and incomprehensible slow-motion CGI, he transforms into Galvatron's head, slamming onto Galvatron's neck. "The Touch" begins to play.

< Television > Redshift RIPS and TEARS his way through countless Autobot enemies, each with more vile, ill-lit polygons than the last! He blasts through the ranks of the unnamed and unnremarkable, battling his way closer to his dream-cone. "Ramjet! There's something I need to tell you... Something important..." He tries to say, When suddenly, Redshift is swarmped under by rampant IMAX-sized Autobotz, oh no!

< Television > Ramjet shrieks! "Redshift, I realize now that I love you but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!"

< Television > The evil alien Rodimus Prime grins evilly. "NOOOO!" he growls. "It's just me, Snapdragon!!" Then he brings his CHAINSAW ARM around to slice at Snapdragon's midsection!

< Television > Then, out of no where, pops Optimus Prime. "WAIT!" he exclaims. "I have returned, and I have seen the error of the Autobotz evil ways! I have come to usher in a new era of peace and unity between the Autobotz and the Decepticonz!"

< Television > Rodimus Prime turns and fires at Optimus. "Shut up, you idiot! I MURDERED you once and I will MURDER you again!" Optimus Prime explodes.

< Television > Rodimus Prime also murders everyone's childhood. :(

< Television > Nightbeat s continues to assault Mixmaster, each one dying more easily and ludicrously than the last.

< Television > Mixmaster surriptiously puts away the 'OP remote control' that he had been messing with while Optimus Prime had been speaking.

< Television > Snapdragon yells out, "You want a piece of me?!" ...and then he is sliced neatly in half. The horror! Oh god, he WAS expendable! "Ugh...Redshift..." His bisected body calls out to his former student in the sexy arts. A piano begins to play.

< Television > Mixmaster finishes off the very final NIGHTBEAT with all the grace of antiheros past. Unfortunately, the music jags unexpected from the piano to 'JUMP' by Van Halen.

< Television > Nightbeat is dead. All of him are. But... some Krispy Kreme starts to ooze up through the hole in the pyramid that he was drilling!

< Television > Redshift, given new strength by Ramjet's profession of her girly love for his sexy red booty, blasts his way free from the oversized Imax-rendered Autobotz, sending high-res polygons flinging though the air. He sees his mentor, Snapdragon, being sliced in hald life so many disposable characters. "Oh no, my montage-mentor!" He cries, "Don't worry, I'll never forget the lessons I learned from you!"

< Television > THEN SUDDENLY! The Fallen teleports inside the pyramid, the concussion wave from his teleporting threatening to knock everyone else over. The Fallen... uh... well, he looks kind of sinister, but, uh, he also looks kind of like a chicken with arms. "Thank you for bringing the boy to me, Decepticonz!" the Fallen says, scratching at the ground with his chicken talons. "I, the true master of the Autobotz and made them evil, Rodimus Prime's true mentor, the one who helped him engineer the downfall of Optimus Prime, and also the one who sabotaged the levees protecting New Orleans, now possess the Somespark! Give it to me, booooyyyyy!" He reaches down for Spoke, snatching him from his love, and with his other hand, he holds it out like a claw just a few feet from Spoke's head. Spoke's body spasms as some sort of a metallic cube is slowly but surely pulled out of his mouth.

< Television > Ramjet drapes herself against Redshift. "I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, Redshift! Let's make love to each other and experience a gratuitous but tender moment! You can proclaim your love for me but just remember, due to a contract dispute, I won't be back for the sequel!"

< Television > Thrust magically blows up. For no reason. His last words are, "AWESOME!"

< Television > Snapdragon stretches his hand towards Redshift and Ramjet. "Go on Shift...go on. Kiss her, and gain a power greater than even the Somespark...the power .. of love." He gives one last thumbs up, his teeth sparkle, and he perishes.

< Television > "Let the boy go," comes the voice of Galvatron. He is laden down with guns and ammunition belts and bandoliers and pouches, and he points dramatically, backlit by an open doorway.

< Television > Catechism is knocked over by the Fallen's concussion wave. She clutches a cliff-side, gritting her teeth. "Gnn." Can't she fly? Shhh. Don't tell her that!

< Television > Rodimus Prime turns towards the Fallen and stomps his foot before whining, "But maaaaaaaaster!! I waaaanted the SOMESPARK!!" Then he turns back towards the door as Galvatron's voice booms in. His alien optics widen for a moment, then narrow. "Galvatron! Why throw away your life so recklessly?"

< Television > Redshift pulls Ramjet's masculi-, I mean, /feminine/ curves close. "Oh Ramjet, I'll love you forever... Until the next sequel where I'll have a new love interest.. But now we must live life for the PRESENT! Because the past is gone, and the future never arrives... Until the final credits roll, you'll be my one, true love!" Cue the robot smooching!

< Television > Ramjet says, "Oh /Redshift/! TPWave 03:13, 12 July 2009 (UTC) < 3"

< Television > Redshift says, "Oh RAMJET! < 3 < 3 < 3"

< Television > Snapdragon can still be heard on the wind, his voice whispering, "Go get em, kid."

< Television > The Fallen Ba-CAWS, and continues to draw out the cube. "The Galvatron still lives!? Rodimus Prime, you failed me! But I may forgive you, and perhaps even let you touch the Somespark now and then, if you kill him again, but for real this time! The Galvatron is the only one who can stop me!" Sloozy ineffectually punches at the Fallen's shins, hopping up and down with each blow, jiggling in a hypnotizing way.

< Television > Catechism can't remember that she can fly. But she CAN pull the rip-cord on her parachute and totally base-jump down to the bottom of the cliff. She even pulls out a knife, holds it in her teeth, and cuts the 'chute before she touches down.

< Television > Rodimus Prime looks cowed, like the coward he really is, and says, still speaking subtitled evil alien, "Yes, Master." Then he turns back towards Galvatron and leaps toward him, waving his chainsaw arm about, in a flurry of blurry, badly chosen camera angles. "Galvatron! Why throw away your life so recklessly?" Okay, apparently the writers forgot that he /just/ said that.

< Television > Redshift gently lays Ramjet's hand on his... rifle. "you have to help us defeat The Fallen before this film goes dangerously over-budget... Even though you're a girlcon, you can DO IT! you can do it all night long, if you try hard enough!"

< Television > Ramjet says, "But Redshift! Violence is unbecoming of a girl!"

< Television > A sneer crosses Galvatron's face. "I could ask you the same question, Rodimus." A dramatic pause, as the music builds. "And I do. With a bullet. From my /gun/." Galvatron fires his fusion cannon, and a giant bullet flies out of it. The special effects shift to a Wanted rip-off, doing a slow-motion CGI bullet-vision zoom, closing in on the bullet's path to reveal 'Why Throw Away Your Life So Recklessly?' engraved into the slug.

< Television > Redshift says, "You have to help, before it's too late. We can do it TOGETHER!"

< Television > Rodimus Prime is hit... in the groin! Perhaps Galvatron knew his plan had been compromised and compensated by doing the unexpected and going back to his original plan! Rodimus's groin then explodes. "NOOOOOOO!!" he screams in a suddenly much higher pitched voice. Then Rodimus himself explodes spectacularly, pieces of himself flying everywhere!

< Television > The US military forces present continue to press the attack against the assembled Autobotz, who are being blown to bits with relative ease by the spectacularly powerful bullets and missiles which, earlier in the movie, were relatively ineffectual. Countless merciless Autobotz burst into flames as bombers slam the entire area with napalm. "Galvatron! You just tell us where you want the "special delivery", and we'll let 'em have it!" The general radios to the Decepticonz commander.

< Television > Galvatron stands over Rodimus' exploded bits, and throws down a single CGI rose. "You earned that much, old enemy," he says. Then, he listens to his radio message. "Hold on, general," he says, gravely, and turns to stare at the Fallen. "I've got something to take care of first."

< Television > One of the exploding EVIL ALIEN Rodimus Prime exploding pieces (Trademark pending) strikes Mixmaster in the back of the head, knocking him into the Krispy kreme goo that wells from Nightbeat's drilling point.

< Television > The Fallen finally draws out the Somespark, holding a smallish cube in his hands. "Rodimus Prime! Damn, it took me eons to corrupt him! All of that work, gone to waste! But it does not matter, now!" He tosses Spoke aside, and he lays unconscious on the ground as Sloozy rushes to his side, shrieking his name. "I possess the Somespark now, and I am invincible now! Ah ha ha ha!" The cube expands in size, and he holds it above his head with both hands. "Not even Galvatron OR the power of love can stop me now!"

< Television > Redshift snaps his fingers. "Dammit, I thought the power of love was the strongest force in the universe? Guys, how can we kill this incredibly invincble Autobot we never heard of until now that we all know about?"

< Television > Catechism babbles, "The prophecy! Only Galvatron can kill him! We must all send our HOPE to Galvatron. If all the children of the world e-mail Galvatron their strength via Headmail, it may be enough."

< Television > Galvatron frowns sternly. "It's our only chance, Catechism." Cut to a montage of like twenty consecutive kids emailing Galvatron. Each time, the music grows more frenzied, and several bassoon players appear to collapse dead mid-recording from exhaustion.

< Television > "Redshift! Use this weapon...it's the Ultra Magnum (tm) cannon, a weapon we didn't mention earlier, but will be instrumental in winning this battle!" The General radios across all frequencies. "A B-2 Stealth Bomber is inexplicably flying in daylight and will drop it for you now!" Right on cue, a black flying wing darts across the skies and drops a gimundo cannon out of its pod bay doors, and then is promptly shot down by random anti-aircraft fire. The cannon is still intact even after impacting the ground at Redshifts feet. A warning label written across its surface reads: More powerful than love.

< Television > The Fallen may be invincible now, but he doesn't appear to be doing much with the Somespark, either. "What are you doing!?" he says. "Your HOPE and your LOVE are pathetic! I am like a God now! How can you possibly hope to beat me?" Meanwhile, in robot heaven, Spoke is greeted by the Decepticon Elderz! "We have a purpose for you, Spoke! Without you, the Autobotz will prevail for certain!" "But I lost the Somespark!" Spoke whines. "Don't worry," the Elderz say, "there's way more plot devices inside you than just that thing, trust us. That's why you're going back! Go back! Go back! GO BACK!" Spoke shudders to life, looks up into Sloozy's eyes, and then they totally make out.

< Television > Redshift hefts the mighty, legendary Ultra Magnus weapon(coming soon to a store near you! Some assembly required). He strokes the huge gun in a way that is totally not gay at all, and powers it up, the huge weapon humming and vibrating from the sheer power it contains. "On your command, Galvatron!"

< Television > GRATUITOUS EXPLOSIONS

< Television > "Not so fast," Galvatron says to the Fallen. "You're forgetting that when you combine HOPE... and LOVE... you get..." Dramatic pause. "'HOME.'" Galvatron, embiggened and cromulent from the strength of children all across the globe and, strangely, on Mars, raises his cannon toward the Fallen. "And we're sending you back to yours. Redshift, general, on my mark, fire." Several moments pass. "Bring the rain."

< Television > Catechism starts, "That's not how you spell..." She explodes.

< Television > The Fallen stumbles away from Galvatron, sputtering, "Th-the prophecy!!! When the Galvatron falls, the Fallen shall too, when the Galvatron comes home! How did I miss that!?"

< Television > A hundred jet fighters, from a hundred different countries, drop a hundred different bombs. Missiles fill the skies in footage that is clearly rehashed from Independence Day. Meteors inexplicably fall from the heavens above in rehashed footage from Armageddon. For some reason WWII Japanese airplanes from the movie Pearl Harbor participate in the airstrike. Tanks, artillery, US warships off the coast and soldiers alike open fire, unleashing a stream of tracer fire and relentless explosions. The entire place explodes. Most of the Middle East explodes. The explosions can be seen from -space-.

< Television > Tyson Greenfield screams as he is caught by the Sweep. "Let go of me!" he shouts.

"Never!" the Sweep retorts, "You will pay for your crimes, FOR GREAT JUSTICE!"

< Television > Redshift feels like he has been waiting for this moment all his life, holding the giant, throbbing cannon in his arms. He has the coneheaded girl of his dreams at his side, and time itself seems to slow down... He pulls the trigger on the massive cannon, which bucks wildly in Redshift's private slo-mo moment, and the huge weapon unleashes a deluge of bright energy, a piercing beam of searing white light pouring out, pulling it's energy from his burning hot love for his dreamconegirl Ramjet, hot burning love blasting out at the vile Fallen until there's nothing left.

< Television > Ramjet swoon.

< Television > Tyson Redfield then says, "Oh okay! Will you be my friend, you cuddly wuddly Sweep?" He grins and opens the cockpit of the exo, "We can paint each other's nails!"

< Television > As Redshift and the US Army fire on the Fallen, so too does Galvatron, emitting a brilliant beam that, if freeze-framed, is actually a picture of George Washington crossing the Potomac. These post-production people have a sense of humor!

< Television > The Fallen howls as ordinance rains down upon him, explosions blossoming all around him! The pyramids also explode, showering the Fallen with bricks! And as if that wasn't bad enough, Redshift's throbbing implement of punishment spurts forth its destructive energies, which splatter all over the evil Autobot. Some of it even gets in his eyes, and his howling increases in intensity as he begins to melt away. At last, Galvatron blasts him, too, and Galvatron's beam neatly blasts him into two different parts, which fly away from each other for a few moments before they both go off like atomic blasts--easily the biggest explosions in the movie yet. And as the Fallen's death explosions rock the Middle East, Spoke and Sloozy take a moment to watch before they stare meaningfully at each other, then resume their make-out session.

< Television > Redshift lowers his massive cannon, and puffs on a cigarette. He looks longingly at Ramjet, with her luscious, ripe cone. "The film is almost over, and with it our starcross'd romance must soon end... But I'll never forget you, Ramjet, and you'll always be.. my first.. We'll always have... Dubai"

< Television > Starscream overhears Redshift and sniffles, "You said I was your first!" He then blows himself up.

< Television > Through the wreckage, to the triumphant sound of a Fall Out Boy b-side they 'graciously' 'donated' as an 'exclusive' to the 'soundtrack,' Galvatron and the Decepticonz march. Surveying the atomic cesspool the Middle East has become, Galvatron runs his thumb across his upper lip, like Humphrey Bogart. "Well, Decepticonz," he says, "the world is finally safe. Not only did we kill the Fallen, in destroying the entire Middle East we also crushed OPEC, making petroleum prices their lowest in decades, and every single potential suicide bomber." Galvatron leans down, picking up a chunk of the Somespark, no bigger than a chihuahua's head, and hands it to Spoke. "Spoke," he says, before saying it again, because Shia and Megan are still making out. "Spoke. Spoke? Spoke!" Finally, Galvatron jabs him with the chunk of the Somespark. "This is yours, Spoke," he says, with as much gravitas as James Woods can muster. "Through this... you've proved yourself the greatest hero of us all. Only you are worthy of being the Somespark's bearer. Use its power wisely. I know you will." Galvatron then turns. "Hey, everyone!" he calls. "We're all gonna get laid!" The US Army and Decepticonz let out a whooping cheer, and run toward the horizon as 'Any Way You Want It' by Journey beings to play.

< Television > Redshift says, "strides off heroically into the sunset, just like his dead-but-not-mourned mentor would have wanted it, with his triumphant fellow Decepticonz."

< Television > Ramjet subsequently explodes. THE END?

< Television > Spoke is reluctantly torn away from his make-out session, and looks up to the Decepticon leader as he takes the shard of the Somespark. "Thank you, Galvatron! I will guard it very carefully!" Then he puts it in his jacket pocket, and resumes his make-out session with Sloozy.

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, ".../hmmm/."

< Television > Tyson Greenfield leaps into Sunder's arm. He's actually wearing a prom dress and heels too. "Oh /Sunder/ will you love me? Galvatron said we're gonna get laid! I surrender myself to you!" He grins happily.

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "I..."

< Television > A blooper reel starts to run as the Credits roll.

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "/HMMM/."

< Television > Americon appears in Eagle mode during one of the "extra" scenes during the credits, humping Sloozy's leg. "Hey!" Spoke complains down at the bird. "Ah, he's not doing any harm," Sloozy says, smiling. Then she gets an odd look on her face. "Wait... why's my leg wet?" The camera then cuts to Americon, relaxing on an adirondack chair in a bathrobe while he smokes a cigar, and looking ever so satisfied.

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "This... 'film'..."

< Decepticon > Americon ulps!

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "I did /NOT UNDERSTAND/ A /WORD/ OF IT!"

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "I /TOLD/ THAT /BAY/ CRETIN -- NO /ART FILMS/!"

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "NNNYYYAAAGGGH!"

< Decepticon > Americon says, "But Mr. President, Michael Bay assures me that he only makes movies for the lowest common denominator!"

< Television > Sunder snuggles Tyson. "Awww, c'mere, you," he purrs. And they fly off into the sunset.

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "ARE YOU INSULTING MY /INTELLIGENCE/?!"

< Decepticon > Americon gulps! "No sir, uh, just telling you what Mr. Bay told me!"

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "WELL, HE IS CLEARLY /WRONG/!"

< Television > Another "extra" scene shows a dwelling on Mars. Tyson and Sunder are there. Living in a comfy little underground home. Several Sweepcubs are playing in a playpen in the living room. Sunder gazes at them with fondness. "Best decision I ever made," he purrs.

< Decepticon > Americon says, "Sooo... what do we do with him, Mr. President? He says he wants to make a sequel!"

< Television > Okay. The credits are over. There is no more movie.

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "/Hmmmm./"

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "I am not an /UNJUSTLY CRUEL/ robot."

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "Have him /CONTINUOUSLY BEATEN/ until I can make a /MORE CONCRETE DECISION/!"

< Decepticon > Ramjet says, "With pleasure, Great Galvatron."

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "NYAA!"

< Television > GRATUITOUS EXPLOSIONS!

< Decepticon > Americon says, "Make sure he gets plenty of Pepsi, though, Ramjet! He'll need his strength for more beatings!"

< Decepticon > Catechism says, "Your cruelty is impeccably just, sir!"

< Decepticon > Ratbat says, "Only a God like you mighty Galvatron could make such a clear and just choice of action."

< Decepticon > Snapdragon huffs. "Why was -I- the ONLY Decepticon to be killed in the entire movie?!"

< Decepticon > Ramjet says, "What the frak is Pepsi?"

< Decepticon > Catechism says, "Hey, I died, too!"

< Decepticon > Snapdragon says, "Not at the hands of Rodimus Prime! He sawed me in half!  IN HALF!"

< Decepticon > Fleet says, "Pepsi is a sugarfuel that is used to power humans."

< Decepticon > Catechism says, "Being sawed in half by Rodimus Prime is better than exploding for no reason!"

< Decepticon > Fleet says, "For some reason, Swindle wants a lot of it."

< Decepticon > Snapdragon says, "I can't believe I got out of bed to see that..."

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "mav"

< Decepticon > Galvatron says, "/NOR/ CAN /I/!"

< Television > It should be noted that it's never explained what happened to Kup at the end, there. In the children's version of the movie's novelization, though, Galvatron is described as holding Kup upside down and sticking him head-first into a woodchipper until nothing is left.

< Television > And now for the late night movie: Not Another Decepticonz Movie starring 50 Cent as Gangstatron! This movie is sponsored by: Pepsi!

================================== Reports ===================================

Message: 9/55                     Posted        Author

Michael Bay's Decepticonz         Sat Jul 11    Kup

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(From the AP:)

MICHAEL BAY RELEASES HIS WORST MOVIE EVER

The Department of Defense and Surgeon General have both issued warnings to all American citizens to avoid watching the latest Decepticonz movie on Youtube. The movie was directed and written by Michael Bay, and is estimated to have had required the budget of one billion dollars, provided it had been made by humans. It is not known if the Decepticons experienced more or fewer difficulties in financing the film.

US officials have warned against watching the film after numerous reports in the United States--and even all over the world--of mass riots, epileptic seizures, blindness, and a phenomenon known as "instant retardation," in which the victim's intelligence is instantly reduced to the level of a Down Syndrome sufferer. "It really is that bad," says Surgeon General Fred Kazlasky. "If you watch this movie, you do so at your peril."

The few movie critics that were able to force themselves to watch all or part of the movie have said Decepticonz the Movie by Michael Bay is *objectively* the worst movie of all time, not just subjectively.

As for Michael Bay himself, it is rumored that despite being kidnapped by the real Decepticons, he willingly made this new movie.

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