The Death of Squatpunch

Great Arena

Despite its grand name, the Great Arena has seen better days. Most of the decrepit walls that once encircled the arena were replaced a few decades ago; the new walls are green and straight, forming a rough rhombus around the Arena in contrast to the rubble of the original walls, which formed a huge oval. There are no provisions for spectators any more, just piles of ancient debris where rows of benches used to be. At the southern apex of the oval, the slightly better-preserved remnants of an elite seating box coincidentally form a rough circle of trilithon-like ruins, strangely reminiscent of Earth's Stonehenge.

Contents:

Whirl

Mysterious Attack Copter

Throttle

Obvious exits: Upper Level &lt;UL&gt; leads to Elite Box. Fly &lt;Up&gt; leads to Sky above Great Arena. North &lt;N&gt; leads to Crumpled Hills. South &lt;S&gt; leads to Liberation Arch.

A few days in, and so far the Autobots neck deep in Polyhex have gone undiscovered. Not to say it's gone without stress: None of them have seen each other since arriving at Polyhex. The group was broken into pairs: Razor with Squatpunch, the short and fat Decepticon who has turned out to be loud, brash, and big into punching and drinking. Whirlwind has been spending his days with the gentle giant Frightclaws, who is mostly just terrified that he hasn't seen Lash.

None of them have seen Spinister. Earlier in the day, each pair was given orders by a gumbie to meet at these coordinates.

Bell UH-1 Iroquois &lt;Blades&gt; has been enjoying the Decepticon energon and keeping his optics open for any news of those filmmakers. Squatpunch has been all right, as far as Decepticons go. Blades can handle people who are big into punching and drinking. When told to meet at these coordinates, he choppers in, as if to flaunt that he can already fly. That's something, isn't it? Maybe nothing to a Decepticon, but it's definitely something to an Empty.

'Razor' is joined by Squatpunch, who does his best to keep up in his red Cobra Hiss tank altmode.

In all honesty, 'Whirlwind' hasn't found life in the Decepticons that much different from life in the Autobots. Yes, the whole 'going undercover' thing has him pretty stressed out but some of the Cons he's been exposed to remind him a lot of the Wreckers and that kind of familiarity makes him feel a little better.

"I wouldn't worry too much about Lash," Whirlwind says as he stands rather impatiently at the coordinates he was given. "I bet she's just off doing girl stuff, whatever that entails." He gives a look at Razor when he comes flying in like some kind of helicopter. "Who's that nerd?"

Frightclaws emits a distressed whine, digging his big dumb feet into the metallic sand. "Frightclaws know they hate Lash. Frightclaws know they want hurt her."

As the two pairs approach, they'll notice that the arena is empty. Very empty. In the center of the ruins, there is a small purple box with a Decepticon logo shaped button on the top.

Bell UH-1 Iroquois &lt;Blades&gt; does not make it each for Squatpunch to keep up, because he is a jerk. He transforms, lands in the middle of the arena, and looks Whirlwind over, muttering, "Maybe 50 astroliters. Probably... fizzy. Hmm."

Then he looks over the box with the Decepticon-shaped logo. Are they supposed to press it, to show their ambition? Are they supposed to not press it, to show wariness? Is he supposed to trick Whirlwind into pressing it, to show his deception?

Razor is going to go with that. He steps away from the box, out to a decent radius, and he opens with, "I bet there's syk inside."

Bell UH-1 Iroquois &lt;Blades&gt; transforms into his Blades mode.

"Well, I'm not sure who 'they' is but you're probably worrying about nothing," Whirlwind says, giving Frightclaws a slap on the back with his awesome, five-fingered hand he is still consistently amazed by. His gaze eventually falls onto the MyStErIoUs box sitting in the middle of the arena and he strokes his mustache thoughtfully. "Hmmm..you may be right, strange helicopter I have never met before." He pops his knuckles dramatically before slooowwllllyy bringing a finger down onto the button and pressing it. "Here goes nothing!"

For a moment, nothing happens. And then the box lights up: a simple message projected into the sky. "Four Decepticons, three openings. Choose."

Frightclaws paws at Whirl. "What it words say?"

Squatpunch, behind the two, whistles. "I'll tell you want it says. It says someone ain't walkin' away from here, ya'll."

Blades quickly realizes that the box means they should do a deathmatch. The problem is that Ultra Magnus told Blades he can't kill anyone. Ugh! Blades would totally kill Squatpunch dead, despite their palling around. It's not even personal. It's just that it'd make a neat pattern, and Blades enjoys energon splattered all over himself.

Maybe Razor can just make this look good without killing anyone and can hope that Whirlwind kills someone who isn't him. Squatpunch is a tank. Probably pretty thick armour. Probably high firepower to go with that mean punch of his. Frightclaws looks like a dope, but he does have those claws. Or...

Razor draws his &lt;s&gt;flashlight&lt;/s&gt; photon pistol, and he tries to blind his opponents. "Suckers."

Combat: Blades sets his defense level to Fearless.

Combat: Blades strikes Whirl with his Photon Pistol attack!

Combat: That attack has temporarily affected Whirl's Accuracy. (Blinded)

Combat: Drained 5 energon.

"Weeelll.. it says-" Whirlwind starts, but is rudely interupted by Squatpunch. "..Yeah, pretty much that." He shouldn't be surprised about this turn of events, this is the Decepticons after all. The mustachioed robot asides to Frightclaws, "Okay, this is how it's going to work. You and I are definitely getting through this. Let's form a truce and take out these other guys together.."

And then Razor starts blinding everyone with his crazy photon pistol. "IT STARTS! QUICK, GET THE GUY WITH THE FLASHLIGHT!" Whirl whips out a pair of pistols (pistols he can actually hold? Like with his hands? So exciting!) and dual wields them likea boss, firing randomly at Razor and Squatpunch.

Combat: Whirl strikes Blades with his Pew pew pewpewpew! (Pistol) attack!

Combat: Whirl (Whirl) used "Pistol": A Level 1 RANGED attack.

Combat: You took 7 damage.

"Hurting?" Frightclaws asks quietly, his voice quivering with fear. And then he yelps with the flash of light, covering his eyes.

Squatpunch swears when the photon pistol goes off, and Whirl's blasts don't do much to his armor: despite being blinded, he transforms into his hiss tank alt mode and just opens plasma fire in all directions, laughing like an asshole.

Combat: Mysterious Attack Copter strikes Whirl with his Grab attack!

Combat: Mysterious Attack Copter strikes Blades with his Grab attack!

Combat: Mysterious Attack Copter (Spinister) used "Grab": A Level 0 MELEE attack.

Combat: You took 0 damage.

Blades really ought to hurt Whirlwind for shooting him with pistols that he held in his hands. Fuel for fuel, that is the rule. But Squatpunch also hits Razor with some painful plasma.

Razor appears to snap. He grabs one of his blades and roars at Squatpunch. "WHAT THE SLAG, YOU PIECE OF SLAG!? I pulled you out of a puddle of your own energon in that last bar! I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN TANK TREADS!"

Razor is appearently a nutcase, because he tries to jam his blade into Squatpunch's left tread, to sever the linkage.

Whirlwind yells incoherently while he unloads both clips into Squatpunch. It doesn't really do anything but it's all very dramatic which is very important to Whirl..wind. With his pistols empty, he tosses them over his shoulders and reaches into his cockpit to retrieve a large laser rifle he won in a game of cards against some Empty a few days before. He's not that great at cards but he had the advantage of knowing how to cheat so it all evened out.

He holds off for a moment though, stepping back and watching while Razor goes apeshit on Squatpunch while his blades. "Wow, that guy's pretty crazy, eh?" He looks over at Frightclaws. "New plan, let's all gang up on that Squatpunch dude and THEN take out the other guy. Easier that way." Whirlwind points his rifle at the tank Decepticon and fires.

Frightclaws just shakes his head at Whirl, covering his ears. "Frightclaws no want to hurt nothing!" He sinks to his knees, completely panicked.

Squatpunch howls in pain as 'Razor' slices into him. "You damn so and so," he actually shouts, "Maybe you want a taste...OF AIR POWER!" And then he transforms into a red Cobra firebat. Thrusters roaring, the triplechanger blasts past Razor and into the sky, coming around fast with a strafing pass on the three Cons!

Whirl ducks behind a pile of debris as Squatpunch and transforms and makes a pass over the group. Since a pile of broken arena isn't exactly the best cover in the world, Whirlwind takes his fair share of hits, streams of energon gushing out from the bullet holes.

"Damnit, Frightclaws! You want to be a Decepticon or not!?" Whirlwind reaches out and grabs the simple-minded beast with a hand and yanks him behind cover. "This isn't a game! This is REAL LIFE! You either kill one of those guys or they're going to kill you!" He shoves his laser rifle into Frightclaw's hands. "Cover me, I'm going up there."

Whirl(wind) transforms and takes to the skies in his sweet helicopter mode, firing blast after blast from his photon cannon at Squatpunch.

Whirl transforms into a helicopter. So cool!

Blades spares a thought for Frightclaws. Is he really as much of a simpleton as he seems to be?

Wait, Squatpunch is a Triple-Changer - Razor snaps, "You dumb skidplate! Why the Pit didn't you just fly here!? Now you know what they say... never send a jet to do a chopper's job - and you're gonna get chopped!"

The strafing doesn't hurt as much as the tank mode plasma. Razor transforms to helicopter mode and tries to lock one of his smart armour piercing missiles onto Squatpunch. Bdow.

Blades transforms into his Bell UH-1 Iroquois &lt;Blades&gt; mode.

Frightclaws stares at Whirl for a long moment, watching him fly off.

Squatpunch takes the hits gleefully, his armor still insanely thick. "Dumb? Who's dumb, me or the piece of scrap mech that thought I was just a tank! Only one of you has to die but I might as well kill all three! HA! HAHAHAHAHA!" Missiles!

And that's when Frightclaws transforms into a big two headed dragon, leaps, and more or less bites the triplechanger in half. He brings the flyer down, and starts to...well, eat him.

"You. You're definitely the dumb one. Because a dragon is eating you," Razor observes.

Much to Whirlwind's surprise, Frightclaws actually does something and it's pretty bad-ass! The helicopter makes a quick landing and transforms, the now robot form of Whirlwind running up to the big two-headed dragon and waving his hands around excitedly.

"Yes! I knew you had it in you! Now spit him out so we can tear out his lasercore. You know, make sure he's really dead. I call it double-tapping and it's a necesity unless you want guys getting back up and shooting you in the back."

Whirl transforms into a crazy robot. Wreck and Rule!

Frightclaws turns to Whirlwind, and spits a lasercore out of one of his mouths. "I...You know tell I hurt him?" A head looks at Razor. "Please? No want trouble."

Bell UH-1 Iroquois &lt;Blades&gt; transforms and lands. He holds one blade and stays in defensive stance, in case he needs to fight the others. Razor licks his lips, and he has to ask, to stay in character, "...so, how's he taste?"

Bell UH-1 Iroquois &lt;Blades&gt; transforms into his Blades mode.

"You kidding? This is something to brag about," Whirlwind says. He gives Frightclaws a round of applause, another exciting thing he finally gets to do now that he has hands. "Seriously, bravo, my friend. You just snatched that smug jerk right out of the sky, it was pretty impressive."

Frightclaws transforms, dropping pieces of body. "Frightclaws do good then." He nods toward Whirl. "Friend save Frightclaws from fire. Did good for friend." he looks sadly at Blades. "Tasted like trouble. Lots trouble."

Blades suggests, "You should get a tattoo of him painted on your side, bud. Kill marks. Chicks dig it." Then he rubs his chin. "Trouble, huh. Well, if you're starving..." He looks back at the box, and he wonders about Sideswipe. Is that bot gonna be okay? It'd be a leaking shame is Sideswipe died in this stupid quest to rescue McG Lucas and Liam Neeson Jr.

Whirl bends down and picks up Squatpunch's laser core. "Hey, think I should start a lasercore collection? Now that I'm a Decepticon, I have a feeling I'm gonna be getting a lot of these."

ELSEWHERE...

McG sighs in the cell, staring out the window at the blackness of space. "We're going to die, Liam Neeson Jr. That's all there is to it. We're going to die just like the rest of these wretches. ... Liam?" He turns back to the cell. "Liam, where are you?"

Blades shrugs and opines, wavering his free hand in front of him, "They don't taste like much... I guess there's kind of a crunch to them?"

Combat: Your COMBAT flag has been cleared.

Frightclaws looks back and forth between the two. "We go home? Am safe?"

Whirlwind shrugs. "I guess? That's all we came out here for, right? That's all the box said, so I guess we go and get drunk now."

"Nobody's ever safe... but flipping out and turning into a dragon is a step in the right direction," Razor drawls, looking Frightclaws over speculatively.

Spinister vanishes out of reality.

Spinister has left.

Whirl vanishes out of reality.

Whirl has left.