User blog:Novakitsune/Charspeak: Cassettes!

Autobot spinny flashes on the screen. It then switches to a video of a small cheetah bot waving at the camera.

"Hi, and welcome to Charspeak with Zipline!"

"Check out this disclaimer.  It disclaims things.  WITH EXPLOSIVES!"

[Disclaimer: This is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by the staff of Transformers 2k5. The views and opinions featured in this post belong only to Zipline and her player. The format is based off of Wildstar’s Devspeak videos.

This was supposed to be some really tiny writing, but wikia doesn't like adding tiny writing. It does funny things, so just imagine that this is eally small. There was also supposed to be a tiny writing joke, but that was totally wrecked. Way to go, Wikia.

Okay, I’m bored now. How much longer does this thing go on for?

I am a very model of a modern major transformer, and yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda.

Do you think Galvatron actually looks at himself in the mirror? I mean check out that paint job. It looks like a blind mech did it.

Zipline wuz here

Hey what’s this big red button do?

*BOOM!*]

"So I knooow you've heard about us cassettes."

Scene briefly switches to random group of gumbies shrugging their shoulders helplessly.

"Seriously?  That lame right off the bat?  Okay, so for all of the looosers with motherboards that still max out at 64k memory, let me give you the skinny." Cut to a front profile of Ravage. "And the fatty." Ramhorn comes crashing down on top of the image of Ravage.

A crude drawing of an average sized cybertronian appears on the screen, then the human-shaped Rewind next to it. "Cassettes, or tapes as we're so lovingly called, are like minibots, but mini... er." The tape barely comes up to the regular sized cybertronian's knee. They start moving, with the large bot placing a hand on top of Rewind's head as if mocking his height. "Like, really mini.  We're ultra-compact cybertronians but with all the awesomeness of a full sized bot in a tiny frame."

"But it's coo and all; we might be small, but we are SO the boss." A drawing of Spindrift rolls into the animation, and starts shooting at the larger cybertronian's knee, making it jump up and down on one leg in pain. "Most of us are around size 3, but that means bigger guys are easier to hit.  AND our ranged attacks hurt as much as anyone elses!" The regular sized cybertronian takes a swipe at Spindrift. Spindrift rolls under the hand, and mocks the bigger transformer. "And those big lugs? Hah, can't touch this!"

"Just don't expect us to go melee with the big boys much.  I'm talking flies." Image Rewind punches the regular transformer, which barely dings it. "Maybe bees.  But that's where the sweet no-size effect comes in!" Rewind teams up with Spindrift, grabbing him by the tail and swinging the armadillo like a wrecking ball to smash in the big transformer's face.

The whole screen swipes to a a few crude drawing of bot and con tapes with their main function over their heads. Someone hastily scribbles 'Also Awesome' above Zipline's function. "We're no less restricted than you big guys in what we can do. We can do anything we want!  Sure, we don't get as much CP to start, so gotta be creative." Complex numbers, like upgrade figures, start filling the screen. "But don't worry.  That just means far more delicious upgrade possibilities!" A grinning cheetah face is drawn in one corner. "And if numbers scare you," All the numbers are scribbled out, "There's plenty of FC tapes that stretch the low CP rule."

"Not only can we do all the same stuff the big bots can do, we can do it almost just as good!" Cut to a video of Zipline outrunning a random autobot race car. "... Just with some miiinnoorr drawbacks." The racecar transforms into a humanoid bot. Zipline, on the other hand, transforms into a cassette. Completely immobile, and somehow managing to look really grumpy about it. "Really minor.  So minor that I don't even care.” An angry cat face is scribbled over the image.  “That's how minor they are."

The screen flashes back to Zipline in the studio. Her cannon is aimed at the screen and is glowing threateningly. "Look, we might seem like dumpy old cassettes from the 80's, but I've got over two terabytes of space on me at transfer speeds so fast that it makes fiber-optic look like 56k-"

Someone says something off screen, and Zipline pauses. She coughs into a paw, and puts her cannon back into storage.

The screen flips to a scene of Steeljaw, caught at a peaceful moment where he's sniffing some flowers. "We run the whole gambit of personalities and smarts." Scene swap to Raindance, setting up for a perfect picture of some flight show. "So don't think we're some low clock speed savages." The video swipes to Eject, all decked out in sports gear. He looks like he's arguing with the TV about some play. "Most of us anyway."

"I can hear you already 'But Zipline, aren't you like Blasters's and Soundwave's pets?'" Video returns to Zipline, who is grinning far too sweetly while admiring her claws. "To which I say, 'do you want to have a gaping hole in your chest?'"

Video of the autotapes hanging out at a club with Blaster. "Blaster's more like our awesome big brother.  We hang with him, he hangs with us, we scratch each other’s backs.  While the cons?" Cut to Slugfest giving Soundwave a Father's Day card. "They've got some weird daddy issues going on with Soundwave."

"But trust me.  Those guys?  You want to know them." The screen flips to a rap battle between Soundwave and Blaster. "They’re Off.  The.   CHAAAAIIIN ~!"

The video returns to Zipline, and she flashes a fangy grin at the screen, "So what the slag are you waiting for?" She grabs the camera in her forepaws and pulls it down to her face. "Go app a cassette!"

It flips to two group pictures; one of the decepticon tapes, and one of the autobot tapes.

"Better be an autotape." Circles are drawn around the autotapes in white, with emphasis lines drawn around them. "'Cause we rock, and like-" Mustaches and goatees are drawn on the deceptitapes. "I hear Deceptitapes drool coolant." Some drool marks are drawn on some con tape mouths. "It's just gross.  Ew."