The Fanfiction Mystery Killer or Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Foxes

London

The skyline of the capital of Britain is dominated by various famous landmarks such as Big Ben, St. Peter's Cathedral, and London Bridge. Crowded narrow streets make it very hard for giant robots to walk around in, but smaller robots and humans can move around with ease.

Britain. Or something.

The scene opens up, after the opening credits and emblem swivel with chime have disappeared, on a small town in the countryside. One main road runs throughout, a quaint little farm out in the middle of nowhere. It should be quiet, peaceful, and calming. It is not.

Currently, the property is cordoned off by giant police tape lines. Squad cars fill up the driveway of the farm and residence, some even lined up on the side of the road. Of course, they're all wearing those awesome custodian helmets and hurrying around in a panic. There has been a murder here, in the middle of English paradise. Not just -any- normal murder, however.

The Autobot ship touches down in the field just a short walk away from the farm, the anti-grav thrusters repulse the ground below as it comes to a rest. Tiny landing legs jut out from the sides, the shocks absorbing the weight until finally the craft comes to a stop. When the ship's doors open, Red Alert steps out and takes an assessment of the situation. "Alright troops, seems they need our own brand of help. Something about a murder mystery? I'm not sure." he grumps, looking at his datapad.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" he speaks to the crew, starting his own trek towards the farm.

Carly steps out of the shuttle after Red Alert, blinking into the sunshine of some sort of picture postcard English countryside that happens to be in London. "I'm surprised that the British police have called us in at all, after all they aren't still stuck in Victorian times you kn-" She stares at the traditionally helmetted bobbies running about. "Oh. Oh, okay." She reaches into her shoulderbag, rummaging around until she pulls out a cassette tape and stares at it. "Huh, this has been here a while, I wonder what's on it?"

Lo and behold, the cassette starts vibrating in Carly's hand, before it manages to free itself. It flies into the air and promptly transforms into a familiar vulpine form, gracefully landing on its feet. It is FOXFIRE! And he yawns. "That was a good nap."

Walking out of the shuttle, Mute looks round, and simply follows Red Alert for now. He spots Foxfire transform, and considers digging the bouncy ball out of subspace.

"Maybe they help protect against mind control?" Red Alert says aloud, making mental note to look into that further. Or snag one of the helmets while he's here. "Anyways, Carly." he stops his walk to turn to her, "You should probably handle speaking with them." After suggesting it, he looks between Foxfire, Mute, and himself. Yeah, Carly is the safest bet.

"Foxfire, Mute? You're with me. They have the evidence assembled and waiting for us, I'm going to need some help if we're to get this solved."

Because you know, episodes only run for like twenty four minutes.

Carly jumps back as a big robot fox jumps out of her hands. "Foxfire!" she exclaims. "I... I can explain all that stuff in my bag!" Luckily Red Alert is pushing forwards with the plot, and she walks over with Red Alert to see the evidence. Hopefully it is literally all the evidence needed and there is a butler in a mask to be torn off and reveal the villain. "Fox hunting /is/ still banned in Britain, right?" she asked, looking nervously over her shoulder, half-expecting to see a group of riders in red jackets vaulting over the nearest hedge

Foxfire flicks his ears, peering at the gathered police officers. "Oh, we're in England?" Then he perks suddenly. "Does this mean we're helping solve a mystery? Yay! I can be Detective Foxfire!" He would totally clap his paws, too, if it weren't awkward to do so. Then he peers at Carly, slightly raising an optic ridge. "Oh, you mean that pink lipstick? And the mascara?" He pauses. "...Fox hunting?"

Carly nods quickly. "Y-yes, Foxfire. That." She then pulls out a deerstalker cap and places it on the cassette's head Mute continues to follow Red Alert, cause like, that's what he said to do. He does however pull a deer stalker from his subspace pocket and puts it on as he walks along.

Not one to be outshone, Red Alert takes his own deerstalker cap from subspace and places it on his head. He's also got a pipe, to look extra Sherlock Holmes-y. No robo-cocaine though, that's Blueshift's bag. "Fox hunting is still banned, yes. Though there is an underground fox hunting ring I've become aware of, but that's a mystery for another time." he retorts, coming up to the evidence table. Mostly, there is a random assembly of items: carpet patches with blood stains on them, various farming equipment used in the murder, interview notes with the family, and one piece of evidence that stands out above the rest.

A strange English looking butter knife with both blood and Marmite on it.

The police constable approaches Carly, taking off his cool hat and bowing his head. "'Ello miss, Constahble Smitty at yer service." Pointing to the Autobots at the evidence table, "Ah assume they be yer entourage, yes? We darn bloody can't figure this one out. I imagine we'd be in barney if it wasn't fer you chaps."

Foxfire almost squeals in delight, as he now has a hat. A *detective* hat, no less. And luckily, it's enough to distract him from the contents of Carly's handbag. He flicks an ear in Red Alert's direction, before turning to him with a frown. "They don't hunt robot foxes, do they?"

Mute looks at the table, and begins scanning the various items on it. As he does so, holographic representations of them appear in the air above him... as does a Cluedo board.

Carly waves a finger at Red Alert quickly. "Don't worry, I know the local language." She turns to the policeman. "Cor blimey guv'nor, it's a right queer malarky, what's the bosh on the dosh?" She turns to the other Autobots. "I have just asked him to explain the crime. She turns back to the police office. "Me old china, plate, I'm all cream crackered, could the tea leaf have been elephant trunk?" She turns back to the Autobots. "I have no idea what I just said."

Taking a short break from his examining of the evidence, Mute looks at Carly, and plays back her voice precisely, "Me old china, plate, I'm all cream crackered, could the tea leaf have been elephant trunk?" He then turns back to the evidence.

Glancing over the evidence, Red Alert notices the peculiar butter knife. Picking it up gently, he shows it to Foxfire. "What do you make of this? Pretty strange murder weapon. Oh, no. Only Chumley, thankfully he hasn't been seen in a couple years!"

"Well miss, I'd be lying if ah didn't say we weren't arse o'er elbow with this. Ah swear, drove me to bender and bladdered fore nine in the morn." he chuckles, taking out a small flask and taking a drink from it. Lighting up a smoke, he offers her either. "Care for a baccy or sip?" Constable Smitty looks Carly up and down after the second sentence, a slight twinkle in his eye. "Ahh miss, you keep talking like that and me wife will have me out on me bum, bugger all!"

Carly just nervously laughs at the policeman. "HA HA HA YES. I AGREE." She turns with a paniced shrug to the Autobots. "T-thank you officer, I take it that there has been a murder here? Or is this one of those bodyless murders?"

Foxfire peers at the knife for a brief moment, then sniffs at it. "Strange indeed...but it seems familiar somehow." Then it suddenly hits him. "Hey, I know what it is! This is a murder weapon in Matt Marshall's fanfiction! Although how you can kill anyone with a butter knife is beyond me."

"Very slowly!" Carly walks over the Foxfire and looks at the knife. "What are you talking about, Foxfire? I mean just from that brief description it sounds like something pretty great, but still..."

"Matt Marshall?" Red Alert asks aloud.

"Golly geez miss, where me manners scoot off to? Course. If it weren't for a cock-up earlier, we'd let ye take a gander at the body. But they already sent it off to the deadhouse." Constable Smitty explains, taking a long drag off the smoke and another sip from his flask. He offers them both to Carly again, but she's already walked off. "While you and them Daleks be busy o'er there, I'll be faffin' by myself. If ya fancy a chat, just holler." he calls out to her.

Looking at Carly, Red Alert continues. "Wait, did you say 'fan-fiction'?"

Foxfire idly wonders if there's a fourth wall breaking somewhere. "Yeah, fanfiction. And the most awesome fanfiction ever, I might add."

Mute scans the knife, which then appears along with lots of interesting knife facts via hologram in the air. Such facts as: Colloquially, bread knives are sometimes referred to as butter knives, though technically incorrect.

"Mute, I want you to search the interwebs for any clues to where this 'Matt Marshall' resides." Red Alert holds up the marmite knife, turning it over in the sun.

"We owe him a visit."

Carly refuses the cigarettes as she does not smoke or drink. And neither does Spike. At least if he knows what's good with him. "Well if it is the best fan fiction, I think we can safetly rule out this fine fellow as a suspect"

"Indeed, Carly!" Foxfire agrees. "Anyone who writes amazing fanfiction couldn't possible be a murderer. But perhaps he can help us with this case!"

Searching the net, Mute finds the most likely (i.e. the one with the most hits) Matt Marshall. He projects a hologram... of a Chippendale.

The Decepticon emblem revolves into the Autobot one, with the ever familiar chime. This suggests to the viewers that a location change is upcoming!

Rather than flying their vehicle into the city, Red Alert and company instead chose a more discreet route. They're all riding inside of him. He'll have to decontaminate later, it seems.

<> he explains for the children at home, also adding in a random <> out of nowhere.

Pulling up outside of Mr. Marshall's flat, the vehicle comes to a stop. <>

Someone must be following Red Alert.. suspiciously, because he folds down into his Lambourghini Countach Fire Department vehicle looking to book it!!

Carly spends the journey reconsidering her marriage to Spike in light of this new information. "What a lovely flat!" she exclaims extra loud to the Autobots as she climbs out of Red Alert. "It seems writing excellent fanfiction leads to a good reward!"

"I want to write fanfiction!" Foxfire announces as he exits Red Alert, bounding after Carly. "But it's hard to type with paws."

Climbing out of Red Alert, Mute suspects that it is more the near naked modelling that this Matt Marshall seems to do that may pay well. But he doesn't say anything about that, he will however have to purge these pictures once back at base.

Carly looks down at Foxfire. "They have special fox keyboards now, you know. I think Spike uses one"

Foxfire peers at Carly. "But why would Spike need a keyboard meant for foxes? He actually has hands."

Carly sighs. "Yes, but he's not very good with them"

Transforming, Red Alert nods sagely at everyone. In truth, he's compiling conspiracy theories on all of their actions and words. Individually. "Alright, alright. Enough about your beau, Carly. We have a mission!" he announces, walking up to the address that Mute had found online.

"Carly, you ring the bell and see what happens. We'll stand off to the side, as to not scare him terribly!" Red Alert orders, standing in a nearby alley and motioning for the others to follow him.

Faster than you can say 'Richard Nixon', Red Alert flips up into his robot mode.

Carly stands in front of the door of a suspected murderer as her brave comrade Autobots hide down an alley. Of course, in Britain they don't have 'alleys'. They are called 'wongaplookas'. "Okay, here goes!" she announces, firmly pressing the bell

No answer from the door, though if Carly leans in she can hear the sound of a scuffle.

"Anything, Carly?" Red Alert calls out from the WONGAPLOOKA.

Foxfire would comment on the British term for an alley, but he doesn't have the ability to break the fourth wall, and thus can't see Carly's pose outside of dialogue and actual actions. "Not very good?" he mutters, seemingly to himself. "They're *hands*. He was *born* with them. How is he not very good at using them?" Grumble mutter. Don't mind him.

"No!" Carly shouts back. She leans in. "No, I can hear the sound of a scuffle. Foxfire, jump through the window!"

Red Alert doesn't give Foxfire the option, instead he attempts to pick up the fox and toss him through the living room window!

Combat: Red Alert sets his defense level to Fearless. Combat: Red Alert strikes Foxfire with his Fox-Tossing! (Grab) attack!

Before Foxfire can oblige...Red Alert decides to throw him. And he wonders if this is how a football feels. "GAH!" he yelps as he goes through the window. And then, after a moment, he scrambles back out while an old lady assaults him with a broom. "Wrong window, wrong window!"

Mute would definitely have something to not say about wongaplooka, however thankfully he catches himself from forgetting to add his name to this pose once again instead. However instead he dashes to the back, smashing the kitchen window with one of his tonfa, he climbs in. Definitely not letting Red Alert toss him.

Carly attempts to kick the front door down, but with her ridiculously low strength of 25 it has no effect at all. "I can hear broken glass at the back!" she shouts. "Red Alert, quick, get whoever is trying to escape!"

"Carly, kick that door in and make your way to the loft flat!" Red Alert hollers, seizing up Foxfire and Mute in one arm while he books it towards the back of the building. "Sorry Foxfire, we'll get him yet!"

Outside the back of the building, a tall Transformer shaded in various tones of black and purple has a man in his grasp. "I shall be the greatest fan-fiction writer now, Matt Marshall!" the Decepticon threatens, holding a gun to his head.

Matt Marshall can't help but scream at the top of his lungs, attempting to flail wildly to no avail.

Carly can't break down the door. Instead she looks in the flowerpot outside the front door and discovers the spare key, something all kindly Britlanders do. "It's okay, I'm coming!" she shouts, racing into the flat. She is going so fast as she barrels into the kitchen, all she can see is the shadowy figure of Mute climbing in. "It's Rumble!" she cries out, grabbing a rolling pin and attempting to cosh the cassette on the head.

Combat: Carly Witwicky strikes Mute with her Rolling Pin (Punch) attack!

Even though a broom actually doesn't pose a threat to Foxfire, there's just something frightening about being hit with one. As Red Alert picks him up, he cranes his neck to give the larger Autobot a glare. "I *swear* I'll bite you if you throw me again!"

Thankfully, Carly smacks like a newly created femmebot, so Mute having been smacked with the rolling pin merely looks at Carly silently, considering all the things he can do with said rolling pin (some of the pictures he found while looking for Matt Marshall feature rolling pins... those are definitely getting deleted. Mute turns and heads back out the window, leaving Carly to tidy the kitchen (well there's a lot of glass in there now).

"You'll have to bite me later!" Red Alert shouts, chucking the foxtape at the unknown Deception's face. Freaking out, the Decepticon drops his hostage to the ground and attempts to run.. but he's not very fast or coordinated. Tripping up under his own two feet, he falls to the ground and can only watch as Foxfire flies towards his face. "Noooooooooooooooooo!"

Peeling to a quick stop, Red Alert hears the assault from inside. "Acknowledged, do not engage Rumble. I repeat, do not engage!"

Foxfire is once again used as a projectile. Luckily, this time he's not being hurled through a window where there are old ladies wielding brooms. Darn those brooms. In any case, he hits his mark and proceeds to latch onto the strange Decepticon's face with his very sharp claws. That has to sting. Carly finds herself trapped in a kitchen again. The story of her life. She dives out of the window after Mute and runs towards Foxfire fighting the big robot. "That's hardly a fair fight!" she shouts up. "That poor Decepticon!"

The Decepticon dies, his main weakness other than criticism to his fan-fiction was his face.

The Decepticon was also allergic to foxes.

Watching the Decepticon go down thanks to his fellow tape, Mute walks over, looks at the fox, and throws him a squeaky chew toy.

Foxfire immediately snatches the toy in his jaws and proceeds to chew on it. Well, he *is* a canine...

Carly applauds as the Decepticon goes down, and reaches into her bag for a fox chew toy. But Mute beats her to it. She places it back into her bag sadly, heart broken.

When Matt Marshall comes to rest on the ground, he shys away as Foxfire kills the Decepticon. He is terrified, but immediately drawn to it. It's like a moth to a flame or a train wreck, terrible.. but he can't turn away.

When the foxtape is done killing for today, the human stands up and strangely waves at the Autobots and EDC officer present. "So umm, I spose you stumbled onto Slash's killing spree.. eh?" he points to the dead Decepticon. "Apparently the bugger was jealous over a critic review that exclaimed my Dr. Who fanfiction the best on the net. Anyways, jolly good show chaps and thanks for the help!!"

Foxfire glances over to Carly. "If it makes you feel better, I'll take yours, too! Can't have enough of 'em, y'know."

"Well, that's that!" Carly smiles at the exceedingly handsome and talented person. "But remember in future, fanfiction is a really serious business. You have to protect yourself, practice safe text!" She reaches into her bag and pulls out a miniature rubber model of Blaster and throws it to Foxfire. "There you go!"

Foxfire paws at the toy that Carly gives him, then snatches it gratefully. "Gotta be careful of fanfiction writers, I guess. It can be a deadly rivalry!"

They all laugh nervously at Carly's words, then the Autobots depart for home.

MUCH MUCH LATER..

Matt Marshall stares at the typewriter, he's oldschool like that. He cannot formulate a thought of his GREAT Dr. Who arc. His mind is racing over and over again about the wonderful foxtape he just met. The one who saved his life. Shrugging, he begins typing.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. More importanly, it was the foxiest of times.

From that day forth, Matt Marshall became the greatest Transformer fanfic writer the intarwebs had ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Fini~