Decepticonz Desert Thunder

< Earth > Across the planet, on video hosting services like YouTube, and on some obscure satellite stations, a strange animated show plays. Flashy, but somewhat sloppy animation marks the intro, which features Decepticons flying around, shooting things, blowing stuff up, and making wicked cool poses. All the while this theme song plays:

"DECEPTICONZ! Hell yeah! Autobots, you are through. Decepticonz are comin' for you. Gonna smack you down, punch your face. DECEPTICONZ! Hell yeah!"

< Earth > The first scene shows Megatron and Optimus Prime standing alone in a desert. Megatron speaks first. "I have come as agreed, Optimus! We must end this senseless war before more humans are harmed!" But Optimus just chuckles. "Megatron, you trusting fool. Agreeing to come alone. Did you really believe I would negotiate for peace? Autobots, attack!" As Omega Supreme and all of the Autobot gestalts burst out of the sand, Megatron roars, "Prime, you honorless dog!" He fires his fusion cannon at Superion, seperating him, but the other giant robots soon overwhelm Megatron and knock him out. Optimus chuckles darkly, and the scene fades to black

Then, Soundwave is sitting in the bridge of the Nemesis, pacing back and forth nervously across the floor. "Man, I don't dig this!" he says to the other Decepticons. "Megatron's been gone too long! An' he ain't answerin' his calls!"

< Earth > "You're telling me," Skywarp replies, leaning casually against a computer console. "I don't trust Optimus Prime. I think he's going to double-cross Megatron." The black-and-purple Seeker makes a face.

< Earth > Ravage bounds up to SOundwave, swatting a large, ginormous ball of yarn. "Look! Shiney!"

< Earth > Skywarp grins at the robotic feline cassette's playfulness. "Awwww, isn't that sweet. He wants to play." He walks over and reaches down to pet Ravage.

< Earth > Soundwave nods to Skywarp. "You're right, dawg! We better check it out. Megs might be in trouble!" He shakes his head at Ravage. "Not now, cat, we got work to do! But we gotta watch out, I hear there's this Decepticon-hating group called the EDC out patrollin' now! Just watch yo' selves out there!" Soundwave pumps a fist, striking a dramatic pose. "Decepticonz, let's GOOOO!" And he flies out the telescoping tower of the Nemesis dramatically, rap music heralding his exit.

< Earth > Ravage ohs, whipping the nub-tail back and forth excitedly. "Play?" Headtilt as optics comically widen ala anime, "Uhoh, Megatron's in trouble! Wait for meee!" Scampering after Soundwave.

< Earth > Skywarp sweatdrops, then follows Soundwave out of the base and to where Megatron is no doubt being double-crossed and double, triple, or quadruple-teamed by the dishonorable Autobots.

< Earth > Soundwave, after a scene fade, arrives at the desert and lands. He looks around himself. "Man, what is up with this? Megatron's last known position wuz here... but where is 'e? I don't see nuthin' but sand!"

< Earth > "Oh no. Don't tell me..." Skywarp begins ominously...

< Earth > Ravage lands and turns several circles, either he's chasing his tail or looking. Or both. "Sand sand sand sand. No shiney..."

< Earth > A familiar red-and-gray F-15 appears, screaming through the air before transforming and landing near Soundwave and Skywarp. "Why is it that Megatron's sense of honor always gets him into predicaments like this? When will he /ever/ learn that Optimus Prime and those nasty Autobots will always be dishonorable?" He shakes his head. "I /try/ so hard to warn him..."

< Earth > Soundwave smacks a fist into the palm of his hand. "Those darn Autobots! Those lame-o's would do anything to destroy peace! They must have captured him, Skywarp!" He glances down at Ravage. "C'mon, now, cat, we need you to focus on--huh?" Soundwave looks up as you-know-who arrives. "Ah, man. Starscream, well, at least ya showed up. But ya gotta remember, a good 'con values honor and courage above all else. If we didn't have that, we'd be no better than the Autobots."

< Earth > Ravage sits on his haunches, headtilts, one ear askew, big optics. "Huh?" Oooh, he leap-skips over to the red and gray, "Big shiney not here. " Ears lie flay, nub-tail lowers. "Big poppa things bad red got'em. But." Perks up like a kid offered candy, "Me find!" And sticks head to sand, snuffling here and there with the ocasionaly sniff-sneeze.

< Earth > Starscream sighs. "Oh, I know, Soundwave... and knowing is half the battle. It just always gets under my armor plating when the Autobots keep proving over and over again how cowardly and dishonorable they are." He looks around. "I just hope they aren't doing anything like trying to build an evil duplicate of Megatron and trying to lead us astray. That incident was /so/ annoying."

< Earth > "That's it! Find the boss!" Skywarp encourages. He wonders what could have happened to Megatron, since there is absolutely no sign of him. One of three things happened: Either Megatron was blasted to smitereens, or the 'bots got him and hauled him away, or they got the coordinates screwed up and they were in the wrong place.

< Earth > Ravage continues his head to sand aproach to searching out anything remotly looking or smelling like a clue, tail-nub flicking.

< Earth > Soundwave hms, folding his arms. "Yeah, well, I bet they won't try that again. We kicked their butts good last time they pulled that stunt. But what ARE they up to?"%r%rMeanwhile, Ravage might be picking up a scent that smells reminiscent of Megatron about now, leading somewhere off in the distance...

< Earth > "Think they took him away?" Skywarp muses, stroking his smooth chin, "We won't let 'em get away with this! Will we?"

< Earth > Ravage sticks his head into the sand, noses it about then starts to trek off, bounding, landing, sniffing.. bounding again. Repeat. Tail-nub is sticking straight upwards now with the occasional lash side to side.

< Earth > Starscream watches Ravage for a few moments. "Hey, Soundwave! I think Ravage has picked up something. It might be Megatron's scent!" He starts to follow Ravage. "C'mon, Decepticonz! We have to rescue Megatron!"

< Earth > Soundwave pumps a fist into the air. "Awright! C'mon, Decepticonz! Let's follow that trail!" He chases after Ravage. "Quickly, cat! We gotta find him!" %r%r But meanwhile, in the secret Autobot base, Megatron is already in a torture chamber, strapped to a table. "I'll never betray my fellow Decepticonz, Prime! Do your worst!" Megatron says defiantly. Optimus shoots back, "Oh, *I* won't do anything. Perceptor?..."

< Earth > "You got it!" Skywarp says, as he too begins following Ravage.

< Earth > Perceptor rubs his hands together, sound even more like Peter Lore than Peter did. "Oh Optimus, you won't be doing /anything/. I will be more than..mmm...happy...to conduct /this/ interrogation. The energon battery is all ready and the magno-sponges are damp."

< Earth > Optimus Prime laughs darkly. "Excellent, Perceptor. You may proceed. Oh, and Megatron? Be seeing you." He steps out of the torture chamber laughing maniacally.

< Earth > Ravage keeps with his tracking, bouncing up, landing, sniffing and bouncing again while the scene switches to the dark side.

< Earth > Perceptor cackles maniacally, "Oh, I've been waiting..mmm...so long...mmmm..to get my haaaands on, Megatron. SO many things to show you about pain..mmm..so many new thinnnngs to teach you!" he makes a slurping sound a-la Hannibal Lecter "Shall we begin, my pretties? Oh yess...we shalll...." he gets out the magno-sponges, soaking with salt water from one of Earth's many oceans. "It puts the sponges on it's skin...mmmmyesssss..." as he approaches Megatron, the screen fades to black with Megatron's protests, then only screaming...

< Earth > Soundwave runs along the desert, following Ravage. "Man, I hope Megatron's ok!" All of a sudden Ravage's trail turns cold in the middle of nowhere!

< Earth > Starscream's running alongside Soundwave, glancing back at Skywarp for a moment. "He'd better be. I'm not ready to lead the Decepticonz! I could only wish I were as courageous and brave as Megatron!"

< Earth > Ravage skids to a halt, kicking up a plume of sand. "Awww!!! It's all gone!"

< Earth > Perceptor, meanwhile, is getting nowhere with Megatron. "I won't talk!" states Megatron tiredly, "I'll die before I tell you anything that would the precious humans of this planet!!" the torture has been going on for hours now, and the bold stately leader is on the ropes but brave in the face of such villainy. "Oh, Megatron..mmmyesss.." snorts Perceptor, unrolling some new and clean, shiny instruments for him to use, "there are worse things than death," and at this he begins to cackle, quite like Witch Hazel, "and I? I can doooo them allll!!" he selects a vibro scalpel and advances on the Decpticonz!(tm) leader with a sleazy grin, "Let's have a discourse, shall we? mmmmyessss, yesssssss..a discoursse, on the topic of paaiiiiinnnnnnn..."

< Earth > "Aw, nuts," Skywarp groans. But if the trail has gone cold here, that means one of two things: either they took him in the air (unlikely, since Autobots don't fly), or Megatron has been taken underground. But which is it?

< Earth > Soundwave nods back to Starscream. "Don't you worry, we'll find him!" Then he stares at Ravage after he stops. "All gone!? No way, Jose! That ain't possible! I ain't detectin' no aircraft... That must mean..." He lies down on the ground, pressing his audial into the sand, listening. Suddenly he springs back up. "No way! Megatron's right below us! I can hear the Autobots torturing him! Those slaggers!"

< Earth > "Underneath us? Well then there's gotta be a way in! Unless we get the Constructiconz to dig us a tunnel down there," Skywarp says.

< Earth > Ravage stares at theg round, looks up at the bigger Deceptikhanz, back at the ground, "Wouldn't there be a radio signal to trip the opening if they were using it regularly?" Idiot savant as he scratches his ear with a hindfoot.

< Earth > Perceptor cackles as there are arclights and flashes of a wedler amid the screams of the noble Decepticonz!(tm) leader. "Oh yesssss, Megatron. You will talk to us, you will!! None of your precious comrades are aware of where you are...mmyess..they won't know until we send them a piece.." a dreadful pause, "..of your TRIGGER! mmmyesss!!" he looks around, "Now..where is my favvvvvvvorite vibroknife? The better to select what portiiooonn to cut..mmmyesss....there it is...my favorite..my..preciousssssssss...."

< Earth > Starscream thinks for a minute. "Hey, Ravage is right! Soundwave, give it a shot! It certainly can't hurt any!"

< Earth > Soundwave rubs his chin thinking carefully. "Awright, dawg, I'm gonna send a standard Autobot ID code, see if dat works. But Skywarp, dat room I heard Megatron in is 500 feet right below me. Ya gotta teleport down there! Megatron sounded like he was in REAL trouble!" He then turns to the sand, and gestures dramatically. "Open Sesame, Autobums!" Then there's a huge rumbling, and some sort of elevator tower drills its way up to the surface and opens. Soundwave rushes inside.

< Earth > And like any annoying anime sidekick, Ravage 'dissapear's from the episode, the bit comedic part done.

< Earth > Skywarp realizes that Soundwave is right--the fastest way to get to Megatron is teleportation. A blue light envelops him, and he vanishes!

< Earth > Starscream fist-pumps. "Aww, yeah! You da mech, Soundwave! Decepticonz, let's kick Autobot tailpipe!" He rushes into the elevator after Soundwave.

< Earth > Perceptor is about to approach Megatron with his favorite vibroknife, calling out in a singsong voice, "Ohhh Optimussss...you might want to come in here and see me carve off a few /choice/ pieces of your "friend" mmmmmyesssss....we'll send a little messsage to your little Decepticonz!(tm) friends...that the autobots are not beings to be trifled with..witness...your end, Megatron, piece..by..piece..mmmmmyesssss..." as his knife is just about to descend on the fearless Megatron when there's a flash of bluelight and Skywarp is in the room, "Get your hands of him you /filth/!" Skywarp demands as he literally picks up Perceptor and throws him against the wall, just as Optimus Prime rushes in...

< Earth > The tower closes up around the Decepticonz and lowers down into the ground slowly. Soon it reopens within the mysterious and creepy Autobot base, and the first thing the Decepticonz see when the doors open is a squad of tanks aiming its barrels pointed at them! The letters 'EDC' are painted on the sides of each the tanks' turrets. "Ah, man!" Soundwave says. "We ain't got no time for Deceptihaters! Get lost!"

< Earth > Starscream gahs as he sees the Decepticonz-hating EDC tanks lining up to take shots. "Hurry, Soundwave! I'll cover you!" He raises his arms, null-cannons firing at the tanks to scramble their systems and incapacitate them -- 'cause Decepticonz don't kill; killing is the Autobot way.

< Earth > "Megatron, my leader! Are you alright? What have those Autobot scumbags done to you?" Skywarp cries out. He runs over to where Megatron is being held, and attempts to remove the restraints. "I'll have you outta here in no time!" he promises.

< Earth > Soundwave nods to Starscream. "I owe ya one, man!" He ducks down and dodges between the tanks as some of them open fire, shells exploding and sending shrapnel everywhere. Speed lines appear around him as he rushes past the tanks, most of them disabled now, and further down the base. But down in the torture chamber, things might not be going as well. Megatron weakly lifts an arm and tries to point at the approaching Optimus. "Skywarp, watch out!..."

< Earth > Perceptor Perceptor lies in a heap at the base of a wall, while Optimus pulls his mighty cannon and stalks toward Skywarp, "You sickening creature, violating the sanctity of my lair. I'll /dismember/ you for this!" he advances towards Skywarp, and the thought of one of his loyal soldiers laying his life down for him is too much! Megatron breaks free of his bonds, "No Prime. The only one who'll be stopped this day is /you/!" as Megatron advances towards Optimus, determination flaring in his optics, the sounds of battle can be heard down the hallway.

< Earth > Quick as a wink, Skywarp teleports out of the way of the marauding Autobot Leader. "You'll have to catch me, first," he taunts, allowing his leader to deal with the Optimenace.

< Earth > Starscream shoots at the last of the 'Conz-hater EDC tanks, and then runs down as fast as he can to help free Megatron. Bursting into the room, he trains his null-cannons on Perceptor, but doesn't yet fire -- just to keep him from trying anything sneaky against Megatron.

< Earth > Soundwave kicks in the door to the torture chamber, his silhouette illuminated in the doorway briefly, looking really badass. "Optimus! Hands off the boss!" He charges at Optimus Prime, but the Autobot leader is ready for him. "How pathetic, Soundwave. Do you really imagine you are a match for me?" Prime aims his rifle, and fires it in a blinding flash. Soundwave screams as he's hit and slammed up against one of the walls, and slumps down to the ground--though strangely he doesn't seem damaged whatsoever. Animation error?

< Earth > Perceptor looks up, snivelling, armor cracked and face battered. "Please..grant me mercy..I beg..mmmmyess...mercy for me..I was jussst following orders mmmyess!" as Soundwave is hit and falls, Perceptor jumps a little and screams like Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element.

< Earth > Starscream's optics narrow. "You, who would show no mercy, now plead for it? Perceptor, I thought you were made of sterner stuff." His optics follow Soundwave as he's hurled back from the shot, and his right arm null-cannon shifts aim, firing at Prime's weapon to disarm him. "Sorry Prime, but this is gonna be a fair fight! Take him down, Megatron -- you can do it!"

< Earth > Optimus Prime lets out a growl of frustration, then tosses away his rifle. "You'll pay for that Starscream!" he growls. "Not before you go through me, first, Prime!" Megatron shouts, and grapples with his nemesis. However, Prime appears to be steadily pushing Megatron back. "Ha! You're weak from your torture, Megatron! You're no match for me now!" "Maybe," Megatron says, "but I have one thing that will always give me the strength to beat you!" "What's that?" "The power of my friends!" And suddenly Megatron shoves Prime all the way across the room!

< Earth > Starscream cheers Megatron on like a one-mech cheerleading squad. "Yeah! You can do it, Megatron! You've got the touch! You've got the power!" And he pretty much continues to cheer Megatron on for the remainder of the episode.

< Earth > Soundwave, while Prime and Megatron are fighting, puts a hand to the side of his head, radioing back to Headquarters. "Astrotrain, come in, man... Argh... We need your help.... gonna need an evac..."

< Earth > "I knew you could do it, Megatron!" Skywarp cheers, as his leader suddenly summons the inner strength he needs to take down Optimus Prime.

< Earth > Perceptor spits with venom and sagacity, "Blasted Decepticonz!(tm) You'll pay for this..mmmyesss...you will..you and your precioussss humans! All worthless!! Autobots are the /real/ rulers of the galaxy! Nay, the UNIVERSE!!! mmyesss..."

< Earth > Quick corner-cut in, showing the face of Astrotrain. He is holding his head in a fashion similar to that of Megatron's. "Yes Megatron, oh brave and fearless leader, I am on my way! He takes his hand down, and to the audience, proclaims: "It's time for me to transform.." He transforms into his shuttle mode, "...and fly out!" The corner cuts out, leaving us with our full, regular scene.

< Earth > Megatron smiles, exalting in his victory over Optimus, who fell over and, er, became unconscious? But then, he clutches his chest, grimacing as he doubles over. But Soundwave is there almost instantly to support him. "Easy, now, boss. You went through a hella rough time. But don't you worry, we gonna get you outta here, PRONTO!" Supporting Megatron's shoulder, Soundwave helps him limp out. The tape commander gives Perceptor some final thoughts, though: "You ain't never gonna rule the universe, Autobots, because we Decepticonz is ALWAYS gonna be there to trash your plans. Suck it!" He drags Megatron up to the surface soon after, awaiting the arrival of Astrotrain.

< Earth > Skywarp assists Soundwave in attending to their injured Leader. "Lemme guess, Optimus Prime double-crossed ya," he snorts, "We really gotta dooooo something about that. He shouldn't get away with it ever again."

< Earth > Astrotrain appears in the background, somehow managing to land in VTL style. Oh, is their nothing that these brave Decepticonz can't do? As the dust settles, he lets down his staircase -- no, not ramp, staircase, complete with streamers and waving stewardesses -- to await his precious cargo.

< Earth > Megatron looks thoughtful as he is helped up the staircase, but takes the time to wink at one of the stewardesses. "Yes, Skywarp, he double-crossed me yet again. I should have known better, but I held out hope that there was yet the chance to reason with him. Alas, I fear that is not the case. I don't know how I'll ever overcome his--how shall we say--TORTURED logic! Hahaha!" Soundwave laughs too. Oh, boy, that was funny!

< Earth > Perceptor, meanwhile, doesn't get a happy ending. Autobots who fail /never/ get a happy ending. We find our interrogator/torturer bound to his own rack, his back exposed while a villainous Optimus Prime lashes at him with an energon whip! "Who will we not fail again," Optimus Prime grunts with each slash of the whip, "Perceptor?" and as Perceptor takes his punishments he says "You, my grand and glorious leader! OW! May I have another?" but the voice over says, "mmmmyesss...perhaps one day...I could be as brave and heroic as..the Decepticonz!(tm) mmmmyesss..."

< Earth > Skywarp laughs as well, because that was a pretty good pun.

< Earth > Astrotrain laughs as well; a boistrous, hearty shuttle laugh.

< Earth > And for a public service announcement!

< Earth > And NOW for a public service announcement! I meant. Blah.

< Earth > Soundwave says, "Soundwave and the other Decepticons are now innocently walking along the streets of Cybertron, minding their own business."

< Commentary > Durango said that OOCly, of course. Or else just mischanned to the WORLD. Either one.

< Earth > Perceptor stands against a building leading into an alley, wearing a trenchcoat and a pair of shades. The torturemeister of the autobots is looking awful shady for some reason.

< Earth > Soundwave and his tapes stop in front of Perceptor warily. "Uh, hello?" he says.

< Earth > Perceptor leans in, speaking all low and casual, "Hey man..you wanna score some..ya know..energon goodies?" he opens his trench and inside is an array of drugs to affect the mind and senses.

< Earth > Soundwave hms, rubbing his chin. "Hm... well, I DO like energon..."

< Earth > Perceptor lowers the shades to the bridge of his nose, "C'mon man, first little bit's free and it'll make you do the universal greeting to /evvvvvvvveryone/ you meet."

< Earth > Soundwave shrugs to his tapes. "Sure. Why not. I'll take some of the oddly colored ones for myself and my tapes."

< Earth > Pan around, and a figure appears in silhouette at the entry to the alley. Could it be? Why, yes, yes it is! It's Thundercracker, come to save the day! "Hey friend! Don't listen to that creep! Thundercracker kills, and so do energon goodies!"

< Earth > Perceptor looks immediately frightened. He pushes up his shades and shuts his trench closed. "Thundercracker!! I, uh, I gotta go!!" and hightails it down the alley!

< Earth > Soundwave gasps as Thundercracker appears out of nowhere. "Thundercracker! Wow, you're right! What was I thinking? He could've put anything in those goodies!"

< Earth > Thundercracker claps a brotherly hand on Soundwave's shoulder, yet looks straight into the camera. "That's right, Soundwave. Energon goodies may /look/ tempting, but you never know what evil may lurk inside. So kids, just remember. When someone offers you an energon goodie, what do you say?" He looks expectantly at Soundwave.

< Earth > Soundwave thumbs up. "You say 'no!' And now I, er, know!"

< Earth > Thundercracker joins in with Soundwave for the big ending. "And knowing is half the battle..the half that doesn't involve blowing up evil Autobots!"