Reports Board Archive August 2029

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/52                     Posted        Author Shawn Berger Jr.: Mad Bomber? Fri Aug 01   Americon -- (From the San Francisco Chronicle:)

Yesterday it is reported that Autobot City was targeted in a terrorist attack involving a fleet of trucks carrying ammonium nitrate bombs. The trucks were stopped just outside of the Autobots' city, presumably for inspection, before the trucks tried to break through the robots and drive into the city itself, or perhaps at least close enough to do some damage to the city. The Autobots appeared to stop this attack, however, and safely detonated the trucks outside of their fortress.

The Autobots then attempted to apprehend Shawn Berger Jr., who Autobot representatives say was behind the attack, and deliver him to authorities. This attempt to capture him was interrupted, however, when a squadron of Decepticons suddenly descended upon the city and made off with the suspect. It is unknown at this time if Shawn Berger was working with the Decepticons on the attack, or if indeed he is the real culprit, but a text message received by a Chronicle reporter, purporting to be from Berger, stated: "i am innecent the deceticons kednapped me i am nto a crimnal".

Shawn Berger Jr. is also wanted by the FBI for this attack, and they believe that it was in retaliation for when Shawn Berger's land was seized under eminent domain and given to the Autobots so that they could build their battle fortress there.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/53                     Posted        Author Another Dead Briar! The View News Mon Aug 04 -- "This is Barbara Walters. We have received word that yet another Briar has been presumed dead by the hands of a Decepticon. The EDC pilot has yet to be found alive but based on the condition of the wreckage, he is clearly dead!

In other news, Almond Joys are the best candy..."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/54                     Posted        Author The Air Commander's Proclamation  Mon Aug 04    Ramjet -- The following is transmitted across all Terran communications and television signals.

"People of Earth, rejoice! Your AIR COMMANDER flies on HIGH.. playing track -THREE-."

The interior of the spacious Decepticon Command Shuttle  (WOOHAH) is shown. Pop music pumps through its interior speakers. The rear doors slide open, revealing Ramjet, who is all too enthusiastic in strutting aboard the command compartment. He is all too pleased with himself as he marches around, partaking a cube of energon and then spitting it out, slamming it to the floor-plating in displeasure. He turns around, grabbing a nearby bell and giving it a proper ring before he comes full circle and collapses into the command chair.

"Humans, beware! Your remaining CHAMPION of the BRIAR LINE is NO MORE. Do not even THINK about sending your aging, pedantic Witwicky models after me either. They'll be no match for my superior skills and weapons. Thus, in your defeat, KNOW MY ULTIMATUM. As the annual Olympics roll in, I am letting you BENEFIT from the CEASEFIRE by taking this time to retreat from the airspace of Earth, for it is now soley the property of the Decepticon Empire. Earth Defense Command, decommission your Talon fighters immediately! If I discover such things are in existence after the Olympics end, I vow nothing but strife for your world! The destruction of your passenger planes and the annihilation of your defense base at Alameda. TAKE A TRAIN, HUMANITY. HAH! Your AIR COMMANDER, out!"

o/~ I can't decide whether you should live or die. Oh you'll probably go to heaven, please don't hang your head and cry. No wonder why, my heart feels dead inside. It's cold and hard and petrified. Lock the doors and close the blinds, we're going for a ride..! o/~

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/55                     Posted        Author Not So Superion                   CNN PRESS     Tue Aug 05 -- A news anchor woman stands before the camera, "This is Lucy Lu and I have on the phone an EDC soldier to talk about what happened last night that has the EDC stirring with uproar."

Voice on the phone, "Hi, I am a marine from the EDC. I legally changed my name to Optimus Prime because I /BELIEVED/ in the Autobots but now... now I don't know what to think about. I was listening to the events on the EDC channels when Red Alert... the coward he is was telling us to protect Superion instead of our pilot who was trying to handle Ramjet. I thought Superion was a force not to be messed with. INSTEAD HE RETREATED. He didn't even get attacked from what I heard and I am so mad that I am about to --"

Lucy Lu smiles for a second, "There, there Optimus Prime, calm down a second. I don't get what you are saying about Superion. Isn't that the giant combining Autobot plane guy?"

Optimus Prime says, "It was. But now it's a combination of headless chickens who think that they are something. I heard that after they retreated, the Colonel asked them to come back but they said they were too tired. Too tired from what? Letting our men die because they won't fight?"

Lucy Lu frowns and clicks the phone, "Thanks for talking, Optimus Prime. Gotta go talk about the anniversary of Katrina!"

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/56                     Posted        Author More Insults! CNN          Tue Aug 05 -- Lucy Lu sighs in front of the camera, "It seems that the Autobots really do not have a shred of dignity. Optimus Prime is here with me to explain the current situation."

Optimus Prime, the EDC Marine!, sits down with a tape player. (NO NOT BLASTER OR SOUNDWAVE!) He sighs, "Well, I legally had my name changed to Robert Stack. I decided to honor a real hero. Not some lousy Autobot. I thought he was a man for America! He was the RED. The WHITE. And the BLUE. Instead he was a "

Lucy Lu sighs, "Mister Stack, can you please get to the point..."

The Marine plays something from the tape, " Sky God Broadside says, "Hey, I killed two Briars... ...guess that makes me your boss Ramjet!"

Lucy Lu gasps, "That's... that's not even funny. Are the Autobots that perverted that they mock two war heroes?! My God... This is messed up!"

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/57                     Posted        Author Five And A Half Lasers Spotlight: Thu Aug 07    Monstereo --

Broadcast from one end of the Galaxy to the other in every conceivable language *except for Klingoneese, modified to be culture appropriate. Much media attention on Earth, Cybertron, and planet Junk are given to related upcoming events. Again, there is no spoken dialog. The camera starts off above a Junkion, looking downwards towards it's rust spot atop it's head. Soothing, bass twangy funk music plays in the background as the camera zooms over the Junkion's head and flips over looking into it's upside down face. The Junkion smiles and wiggles fingers, mouthing the word 'Hi mom!'. Then the camera moves bacwards and slowly rotates back upright, showing the Junkion as they hold up a camera and take a picture of whoever is working the camera you are seeing through. The words 'A WORLD BUILT FROM THE ASHES OF A MILLION OTHERS...' appear in white block letters. Although the Junkion looks like a swell individual to talk to, the camera pans away and shows a vast well groomed junk prairie. And as the level of the ground rises, the camera angle also pans upwards to meet a magnificent stadium... well, by architecture Junkion standards. A sign over one of the ground entrances to this circular building reads: The Pretzel Bowl. Thousands of Junkions are seen coming and going in and out of the place. All suspiciously behaving like television and movie extras. The words 'A HISTORIC INTERGALACTIC UNIVERSAL EVENT... appear. Suddenly Mike Nelson's voice pipes in over the music, "Doesn't the fact that it's universal automatically make it intergalactic?" The camera now zips up the hill towards the stadium... the picture shakes with every striding step the operator makes... and their pace visibly becomes labored. The forward movement comes to a stop only half way up the hill. The words 'INTRODUCING FIVE AND A HALF LASERS OVER JUNKION' appear. Then the footage cuts out, replaced with a recording of the rear view of an Autobot femme *Tempo* fighting her way up a mountain covered with other Autobots, decepticons, and Junkions with a blury figure of Wreck-Gar waiting at the top. Then another edit cut to footage of old dead Galvatron cannoning a random junk heap. The music fades, concluding the broadcast. THE 2029 GALACTIC OLYMPICS AUGUST 8th Contact information appears before the transmission ends.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/58                     Posted        Author Secrets of Nepsa! Wed Aug 13   Blueshift -- An alien squid-like reported wearing a top hat stands with a microphone inside the Nepsan Ice Temple. Quite a few Nepsans are running about in the background punching each other in the face.

"This is Oolan Crethop reporting from the planet Nepsa. Not since the rediscovery of the thought-lost Books of Primus has there been such an ancient treasure recovered! It was here in this chamber of the Nepsan Ice Temple that an olympic bout was being fought when a stray laser bolt cut a hole in the wall."

The camera shifts to a temple guard, who shrugs. "Yeah Oolan, I guess we should have put up a sign saying 'no bloody death matches' inside our sites of historical importance, but its good we didn't, since the blast knocked a hole in a wall uncovering an annex that no-one knew existed!"

Oolan nods. "So what will you do with this room? Extend the temple?"

The guard shrugs again. "Nah, we're just going to fight a lot in it, in case that opens up any more rooms. But like, with gold and stuff in them this time."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/59                     Posted        Author Crown Jewels Stolen! Fri Aug 15   Galactic News -- The Galactic News logo flashes up on the screen and an alien newsreader pops up, all ten of his tentacled limbs clutching his notes.

"This just in. During the spirit of intergalactic friendship, the Crown Jewels of the planet Nepsa have been stolen. Probably by /terrorists/. With us is the leader of the planet Nepsa, the Graff Vynda-K"

The camera shifts to a large humanoid wearing furs and a large 70s moustache. "This is absolutely disgusting! I know many other planets have laid claim to our jewels, but they are ours! The clue is in the NAME!" He leans forwards, shaking a fist. "If my guards find out who stole them, then they will be locked in the yeti caves and flayed with whips made from bees!" He then looks to the newscaster. "I mean... whips of DEMOCRACY!"

The newsreader coughs. "And now, in other news, the weather..."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/60                     Posted        Author Update on Crown Jewels theft! Fri Aug 15   Monstereo -- The Galactic News logo flashes up on the screen and an alien newsreader pops up, all ten of his tentacled limbs clutching his notes. "Earlier today it was reported that the Crown Jewels of the planet Nepsa had been stolen. It is still suspected they were stolen by /terrorists/. This afternoon a lone Auto-Junk by the name of Monster-stereo was apprehended at the scene of the crime hours after the theft was reported. He was taken to trial but proven innocent by association with a suspected wizard 'EGREGIOUS'... Oh well that makes sense. It is also reported that the accused trial by ant-lion up until this revelation was most unusual. Our traditional and noble orphan devouring beast seemed to take a liking to the defendent. What this means, no one knows. If he was innocent, the ant-lion was expected to eat the accused. But since his association with Egregious was established, his innocence was proven undeniable. No new suspects have been taken into custody." "And now, in other news, Nepsa's Yeti population has been drastically culled thanks to the performance of competetors in the Galactic Olympic Air Race..."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/61                     Posted        Author What is Head Mail? Fri Aug 15   Americon -- (Excerpted from Galactic News Tonight:)

A multi-limbed alien thrashes its many arms around as it cries, "Greetings, you're watching Galactic News Tonight, and I am your host, Morblee. With us tonight is electronic security expert, Franzo. How are you doing tonight, Franzo?"

Franzo appears to be a humanoid with metallic components in his head. "I'm good, Morblee."

"Great," Morblee says. "Tell us about Head Mail. You've done a lot of research on this insidious malware. What can you tell us?"

"Head Mail is supposedly a new kind of freeware messaging service," Franzo explains. "It will automatically direct any email or text message you receive straight into your field of vision. Supposedly, this makes it easier for you to instantly receive and respond to your messages, but in practice, the service effectively blinds you until you close the message by interacting with the virtual interface. Also, Head Mail purportedly causes severe headaches whenever a message is received and displayed."

"Oh, my," Morblee says. "That sounds terrible! Who is at risk from Head Mail?"

"Any and all mechanical lifeforms," Franzo says. "Also, organics with "cyber-brains," like myself--" He taps the side of his cybernetic skull. "--are also at risk."

"How far has this malware gotten? How many people have been infected?"

"Too early to tell at this point. It could be in the hundreds of millions, all over the galaxy. And the worst part of it is, once it infects you, Head Mail is virtually impossible to uninstall... without subjecting the victim to serious brain damage."

"I've never heard of something so awful!" Morblee says, looking very shocked. "Who would make such a thing!?"

"We're not sure yet," Franzo replies. "But we believe the culprit is 1) A Decepticon, and 2) An American, whatever that is. Until we find out who he is and how to stop Head Mail, I would like to strongly warn your viewers not to download any attachments from any strange messages you find in your inbox."

Morblee nods. "That's sage advice, sir, and we hope you catch the guy."

"Thanks, Morblee. And so do--" Franzo blinks, and stares straight ahead at nothing. He pokes at something only he can see. "No... oh, no! Oh, please no! *I'VE* been infected with Head Mail! Noooo! Gahhhhkkk--" Franzo clutches his head before he falls over, out of the camera's view.

"Oh, gosh, someone call a doctor!" Morblee yells, waving his many arms around. "Or a coder! Or something!!!"

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/62                     Posted        Author Explosion At Nepsa Polar Glacier! Sat Aug 16   Impulse -- Last evening, a small explosion rocked the Nepsa polar glacier region, where a recent Olympic combat match opened a hitherto unknown area of the Nepsan Ice Temple, near the Nepsan North Pole. The tunnels led inevitably to a large chamber, wherein rests three bodies, at least two of which are Cybertronian in origin.

Three Autobots were present when the explosion occurred, and the stories are all the same: one of the Decepticon Sweeps, identified by all parties as Geist, set the charge and threatened not only the Autobots present, but the preservation of the three ancient bodies as well. Testimony has also been given, complete with recordings, of one Autobot's attempt to contact Galvatron to inform him of these actions shortly before the explosion took place -- and a threat issued in retaliation.

One of the witnesses, the Autobot known as Impulse, had this to say: "The fact that the Decepticons not only allowed such a potential travesty to occur, but then threatened one of my compatriots for reporting it to them in the interests of mutual cooperation, clearly shows that the so-called Decepticon Empire has no intention of honoring any agreement made. Not only did they endanger myself and my fellow Autobots, but they also attempted to desecrate a member planet of this year's Olympics. There is /history/ here in this chamber, and if the Decepticons have so much disregard for the history of others, even when it could relate to our own history as well... well, less has been done and called an act of war before in intergalactic politics."

Needless to say, this bears further investigation. However, if such an act did occur and the Decepticons have shown the blatant disregard for Six Lasers and their member worlds, one must wonder what actions the Olympic committee will take in response to this direct violation of the most cherished traditions of the Galactic Olympics.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/63                     Posted        Author Re: Explosion at Nepsa Polar Glaci Sat Aug 16   Ramjet -- Nepsa (AP) -

In the most recent controversy to pop up during the 2029 Galactic Olympics, witnesses allege a Decepticon Sweep named 'Geist' blew up an uncovered archaeological find in the northern region of planet Nepsa. Reporters caught up with Air Commander Ramjet of the Decepticon Empire at a nearby Milk Bar for an official comment,

"All Autobot lies, I assure you. We all know Sweeps do not have names! How can they identify a Sweep when they have no names? We just call them Sweeps or if speaking in foreign languages, Swopes. Clearly this action by this so-called Sweep 'Goose,' 'Ghost,' or whatever is a complete fabrication by bored Autobots. Such should be of no surprise, as the lesser Autobot models have a SUPERNUMERARY sense of imagination. Besides, did you hear the name of their so-called 'witness'? 'Impulse'? What the frak kind of name is that? This is so egregious that I will not hear any more of it. Go speak to Soundwave if you have any more foolish questions, fragile species!"

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/64                     Posted        Author Re: Explosion                     Sat Aug 16    Soundwave -- Nepsa (AP) -

In an addendum to the previous story, reporters followed the advice of Air Commander Ramjet and tracked down Soundwave in the Nespa Ski Chalet, apparently getting ready to tackle the slopes. Soundwave commented briefly,

"Soundwave superior, double black diamond inferior."

Experts are uncertain as to whether or not this was actually Soundwave or just an impersonator with a voice modulator.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/65                     Posted        Author Xabat Attacks CC Olympic Site     Sun Aug 17    Scrapper --

XABAT ATTACKS CYBERTRON OLYMPIC SITE

CRYSTAL CITY - Compton Xabat, former Protectorate scientist turned French terrorist, lashed out against the Crystal City Olympic Site on Cybertron, detonating explosives beneath the Commercial District that opened a chasm that destroyed a Sam Goody's music store. Both Autobot and Decepticon forces arrived but were initially unable to cooperate, threatening the Olympic truce as the two factions came to blows over how to handle the crisis Xabat presented.

Autobot priorities were the rescuing of survivors trapped by the explosives, whereas Decepticons attempted to clear the Autobots out of the way in order to apprehend Compton Xabat. The skirmish escalated with the arrival of the Protectobot rescue-specialist Combiner Defensor, and the counter-response by the Decepticons in the form of the combined form of the Combaticons, Bruticus.

After being discovered masquerading as a Cybertronian by the Decepticon Soundwave, Compton Xabat was apprehended by the Autobots. His ultimate fate is still under discussion, but it is expected that the United Nations will request his extradition back to Earth for trial.

Both Galvatron and Rodimus were both present in the battle, with witnesses suggesting that Galvatron's forces were interfering with the Autobot rescue attempt. According to a Six Lasers Inc press release, the brief hostilities were initiated by the Decepticon faction, putting them in violation of the truce.

After working with Autobot and Decepticon representatives, Olympic Committee ruled the Decepticons at fault. The three groups agreed that merchandising of the battle would be handled by Six Lasers, and that all profits would go to restoring the Olympic Site and helping the victims in the attack.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/66                     Posted        Author Terrifying new video              Wed Aug 20    Americon -- (From Galactic News Network:)

A hovering ball of luminousity addresses the camera in grim tones. "Greetings, I'm El'na, and you're watching the Galactic News Network. We have a very disturbing report for our audience today. In its investigation on the recent terror attack comitted by the notorious terrorist Compton Xabat on the Cybertronian Olympics site, Olympic Security has found the dead body of a Cybertronian and a terrifying video. We're going to play a clip from that video now, but we would like to warn our viewers that the content is not for younglings."

The video looks to be of poor quality, and is shaking around a bit. The camera is focused on a Cybertronian, tied with polymer cables to a chair. He looks terrified, and those who were at the terrorist attack might recognize him as Uphill, the robot Compton Xabat was impersonating. "Please," Uphill sputters. "Please let me go! I... I'm just a neutral worker! I don't have anything to do with the war! I've never even been to your planet!"

Off-camera, Compton Xabat says, "Ohh, you poooor little thing! You're completely innocent in this whole affair, aren't you? Heheheheh! Well, even so! Your kind doesn't seem to mind slaughtering our civilians! I mean, it's only fair that I kill a few "innocent" robots, in exchange! Heheheh!"

"No, please!"

"But I'm not just going to kill you! That's too quick! I'm going to skin you alive, see? Then I'm going to subject you to intense ionizing radiation while you are without the benefit of your armor! I'll keep that up until you die! And THEN I'm going to wear your skin like a suit! How does that sound!?"

"You--you sick piece of slag!" Uphill yells. "They'll... they'll stop you!" Xabat just giggles to himself as Uphill yells at him. "And... and... and... someone will find me! Someone will come to find me!"

"Oh, no, friend!" Xabat says, voice turning icy. "No one will come. No one knows you're here. And thanks to you, no one will know what I'm up to until it is too late. Audios, robot!" The camera whirls around until it shows Xabat's face, grinning and laughing like a madman. "HA HA HA HA HA!"

The video ends, replaced with El'na, who is glowing in a deep red color, showing his disapproval. "The robot in that video, Uphill, was later found, without his protective layer of armor. It appeared, based on his injuries, that he had been blasted with microwave radiation until he died, which, for a robot lifeform, would be an excruciating death. Based on the sheer depravity of this torture, and the attack he committed, it is strongly believed by our Earth sources that Xabat will be determined to be clinically insane, and transferred to their Arkham Asylum. Additionally, the Olympics Committee has decided that it will still hold events on Cybertron in defiance of the recent terror attack."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/67                     Posted        Author iFruit Company Technology         eGadget. Wed Aug 20 -- The iFruit Company Technology has been running a contest for college students, engineers, and hobbyists to design new 'Armored Core' designs for the hit sensation video game for Placestation Pi. Sonny has denied any knoweledge of this contest but The iFruit Company Technology seems to be rather gung-ho. Little information has been able to be discovered on this company.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/68                     Posted        Author Jewel Thief Found! Thu Aug 21   Galactic News -- The Galactic News logo flashes up on screen, and we see a 50 foot boxy robot reading out the news from a tickertape coming out of his stomach.

"*BZZT* - Nepsan authorities have captured the vile thief who stole the crown jewels. They claim that recovery of the precious gems in imminent."

We cut to a Nepsan guard, clad in furs and a little foil badge to show that he is the guard captain. "Yeah, the thief turned out to be a human bean. We had a witness in the form of a trusty Meccannibal who saw him at the scene of the crime, and a pair of goggles that fitted his head, meaning he had to be the culprit."

The newsreader returns. "The human bean, by the name of Jayson Redfield is currently in jail awaiting trial, where he will probably be banished to the Filk Mines for 200 years. Human beans are vile creatures made of thirty percent water, and as we all know, water is evil. The human probably wanted the jewels to sell to his fellow Martians on the planet Venus to help in his war against the Terrans."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/69                     Posted        Author Family Jewel Thief Stolen! Mon Aug      Mon Aug 25 -- Audio only...

"Nepsa military forces are mobilizing to head to the dustball planet known as Earth to recover Buck Borris' family jewels that were stolen by Jayson Redfield. One of Jayson's relatives who was legally granted permission to have made an attempt to jail break was forced out by illegal Earthlings and their pet Autobot. The illegal Earthlings and Autobot... as well as a trashy rusty woman who loves to smurf things hijacked Nepsa's radio frequencies, were rude to our officials, attacked icebats and the Real Americon Hero, stole Jayson Redfield, and are currently on the run.

Nepsa officials are demanding that Earth hands over these illegal criminals to face their penalities for their crimes. They are being charged with grand theft person, illegal jail breaking, littering, double parking, parking without a permit, being rude, running away from authorities, and 'smurfing' in public. They also made terroristic threats as well as defaced land values! Nepsa is giving Earth 48 hours to comply before their invasion fleet lands on Earth's soil. While on Earth, city after city will fall until these illegal criminals are detained and properly punished. Nepsa authorities say that this gang could face up to twenty-eight days in a high resort prison or be given the death sentence. This is Warbra Balters signing off!"

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/70                     Posted        Author Prior Victim of Nepsa Gives Advice Thu Aug 28   Americon -- (From Galaxy At War Monthly, a magazine for waging interstellar war in the modern age:)

Planet Neebee Gives Planet Earth Free Advice on Nepsa Invasions

Planet Earth has recently threatened with invasion by Planet Nepsa, despite the rest of the galaxy perceiving Earth as being an undesirable world to be avoided if possible, thanks to the seemingly endless war between the Autobots and Decepticons taking up residence on that planet. "I wouldn't touch that world with an eight parsec pole," notes Grarn "The World Ravager" Vargnus. "If I invaded Earth, I'd have to worry about those stupid Autobots making friendship speeches or something while they "heroically" defeated my men. So annoying. And the Decepticons? They're like a wild animal that'll attack you just for looking it in the eyes. They'd probably hunt me down and kill me just for stepping on THEIR turf. Oh, and don't get me started on the EDC. All that "sir, yes sir," junk. Take the sticks out of your phalasanakis!"

While Nepsa may have chosen an incredibly stupid time to invade the Earth it doesn't seem to be stopping its leaders. However, Planet Neebee has given the people of Earth some free advice on how to handle the imminent invasion. "Nepsans, for obvious reasons, hate the heat," says Neebee Supreme Commander Waboo. "So what we did was increase CO2 emissions on our planet by, oh, 4000 percent. That raised the heat just enough so that when the Nepsan dropships landed, they were constantly having heat strokes and were easy pickings. Kinda like how the Germans tried to invade the Russians on your planet, except in reverse. Only problem was, dealing with all that CO2 afterwards. It's been years since anybody on my planet has used anything other than a bike to get to work."

It is not known if Earth's defenders will utilize what Waboo calls the "Lightly Toasted Earth" strategy.

(On the next page is an advertisement for Decepticonz: The Patriot. Wait, Decepticonz is back? And it's tomorrow!?)

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/71                     Posted        Author Archeological Crisis              Fri Aug 29    Galactic News -- The Galactic News insignia spins up on screen as a twelve armed newsreader holds up an octagonal sheet of paper to read the story. "Good blargle! Today we report on controversy in Galactic Archeology as a dig on the troubled planet Nepsa is upturned."

The scene shifts to Cyclonus standing at a podium, his horns gleaming menacingly. "As many of you might know, recent excavations on Nepsa have revealed several bodies of Cybertronian origin. I can exclusively reveal to the Galactic Media that these bodies are of Decepticon origin, and as such shall be reclaimed by us. The Decepticon government is not blind to Nepsa's cultural needs however, and we have liaised closely with the planet's Cultural Committee, and its newly elected Cultural Minister, after the last one died in such... horrible circumstances."

The newsreader shuffles his papers. "The uh... new Nepsan Cultural Minister, a Mr... Cyclonus... authorised the removal of the bodies, and thanked... Cyclonus for the generous donation made to the Nepsan War Fund by the Decepticons. Protests have been lodged with the Galactic Council, but these have so far been ignored."

"In other news - Duke Nukem Forever is soon to be released...

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/72                     Posted        Author The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown      Sun Aug 31    Gabriel Henshaw -- A little more than two weeks ago, the Earth Defense Command was issued an ultimatum by Air Commander Ramjet of the Decepticon Empire: decommission the EDC's Talon transformable exo-armors, or face the consequences of defiance. This ultimatum came in light of initial reports (which later proven erroneous) regarding the apparent demise of Lieutenant Nathaniel Briar after facing the Decepticon Aerospace Commander in single combat.

Today, it appears that the Earth Defense Command is not rolling over, and the Talons are still airborne. And one EDC soldier believes he knows why the Decepticons made such an ultimatum -- one that the Earth Defense Command will definitely not, he assures, agree to under any circumstances.

"Ramjet has thrown down the gauntlet, yes," says Lieutenant Gabriel Henshaw, one of the EDC's pilots as well as one of the developers of the Talon exo-armor, "and General Witwicky has made it clear that the EDC does not negotiate with terrorists, especially giant Cybertronian terrorists with delusions of grandeur. Fear is a weapon the Decepticons have, time and again, utilized because their technological superiority.

"Well, sorry to say, but this isn't 1984 anymore. We've had forty-five years to advance, and while we may not have subspace or anything so complex as what the Cybertronians possess, we have made our own strides in a remarkably short period of time. And now, it looks like 'Air Commander' Ramjet is getting worried that we're going to match them, if not surpass them. And to that, I say 'good'. The Decepticons could stand to have their collective egos deflated. And it wouldn't be the first time a human has laid their 'mighty empire' low."

Needless to say, conflict is coming, and the storm will soon break once more. But the Earth Defense Command fully intends to weather the coming storm as they have before, and continue their ongoing mission to defend humanity, especially against the tyrannical might of the Decepticons.

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