Worse Ways to Go

Dromedon Minor A stony  yellow  shepard  moon,  this  pock-marked  body  is  connected  to  the  vastly  larger  Dromedon  Major  by  a  corridor  of  shared  atmosphere. On the  surface,  the  haze  at  the  horizon  is  quite  thick,  causing  the  edges  of  Dromedon  Minor  to  fade  into  a  yellowish  fuzz. Feldspar rifts  stretch  east  to  west  along  the  moon's  equator,  the  largest  of  which  plummets  down  several  kilometers. It is  not  uncommon  to  see  shrikebats  --  which  came  over  from  Dromedon  Major  --  cruising  on  the  thermals  that  form  within  it. Embedded with  outcroppings  of  chromium  and  iron,  the  tortured  moon's  horizontal  strata  buckles  up  on  itself,  forming  miles  of  undulating  patterns. When hit  by  the  setting  of  the  system's  star,  the  alternating  patterns  of  vivid  red  and  golden  yellow  give  the  appearance  of  flames  stretching  up  into  the  atmosphere.

Contents: Barkida

Kup has  connected.

Blurr transforms  at  a  depressingly  average  speed  into  a  hovercar.

Why the  Olympic  commitee  decided  to  have  the  amazonian-esque  Barkida  fight  the  former  speedster  Blurr  on  Dromedon  Minor,  is  anyone's  guess. Why they  appointed  Backfire  to  judge  it? That's even  more  confusing. Plopping down  a  large  desk  next  to  a  chair,  the  Seeker  simpleton  places  a  placard  and  microphone  down  on  top. "Fools, neither  one  of  these  combatants  deserve  the  spotlight..  especially  not  that  emo-speedfreak.  Bah."

Sitting down  at  the  desk,  Backfire  leans  back  in  his  chair  and  patiently  awaits  their  arrivals.

Blue Hovercar  [Blurr]  zips  along  towards  the  designated  battle  arena. At least,  he's  going  a  bit  faster  than  your  typical  sports  car,  which  is  to  say  he's  going  far  too  slow  for  his  own  tastes. He speaks  to  himself  as  he  drives. "Don't know  why  I  signed  up  for  this." He speaks  at  a  normal  speed,  but  mostly  that  means  he's  talking  way  too  long. "I mean,  I'm  not  much  of  a  warrior  and  I  don't  have  any  melee  weapons.  But  I  guess  I  do  need  to  learn  to  be  a  warrior,  since  I'm  not  much  of  a  messenger  anymore." He sighs. "But I'd  really  rather  still  be  a  courier." Even if. You know. Transformers usually  just  use  the  radio.

He arrives  at  the  field  of  battle  and  transforms,  not  realizing  that  he's  just  been  proving  the  simple  Seeker's  point  about  being  'emo.'

Blurr transforms  at  a  depressingly  average  speed  into  robot  mode.

The finals! It is  only  the  Lightweight  category,  but  the  Cybertronians  have  dominated  these  games  for  so  many  years  that  Barkida  feels  an  intense  sense  of  pride  even  making  it  this  far. She pulls  up  on  the  reins  and  brings  her  chariot  to  a  halt,  six-legged  ungulates  snorting  and  tossing  their  frills  of  venomous  spines  as  she  comes  to  a  halt  just  outside  the  arena. She raises  her  hand  to  the  audience  and  dismounts,  handing  off  the  reins  to  a  trilaterally  symmetrical  green  alien  who  looks  sort  of  like  a  cactus. "I dedicate  this  battle  to  all  freedom-loving  living  beings!" she declares,  stepping  out  into  the  arena  with  a  bundle  of  javelins.

"Ah, look  who  shows  up..  geez,  what's  wrong?  Never  *snicker*  been  late  before,  have  you?" Backfire chides,  standing  up  at  the  desk. Upon Barkida's  grand  entrance,  "Subtle." the Seeker  facepalms. Walking from  around  the  desk,  he  approches  both  the  combatants  and  waves  his  hands  foward  for  them  to  meet  in  the  middle. "I ...  BACKFIRE,  your  respected  judge  for  this  event..  ha,  if  you  wanna  call  it  that.  Uhh,  yeah.  Glorious  Gladiatorial  combat  will  go  down,  no  matter  how  -pathetic-  you  two  are.  If  you  cretins.." he pauses  to  look  down  Barkida,  "Don't  know  what  gladiatorial  means?  It  means  you  can  only  make  punchy  stuffs,  no  lasers  or  bombs!  Now,  try  to  give  a  good  show  for  the  crowd?"

Blurr gives  Backfire  a  sour  frown. "'Respected'?" he asks,  disbelieving. "And yes  I  know  what  gladiatorial  means!  It  doesn't  just  mean  punchy  stuff,  either,  it  also  means  bashy  stuff  and  smashy  stuff  and  slicy  stuff!  Anyway..." he turns  towards  Barkida  and  actually  bows. "That sounds  like  a  good  dedication.  Should  we  get  started?"

"I know  very  well  the  gladiatrix's  art!" Barkida declares,  tossing  back  her  shorn  and  laurel-wreathed  head  haughtily. She selects  one  javelin  and  drives  the  others  into  the  ground  in  a  bundle  to  make  them  available  throughout  the  match. "Defend yourself,  machine-man!  I  fight  for  the  glorification  of  the  First  One!" Balancing the  javelin  lightly  in  her  right  hand,  she  pivots  on  her  sandalled  toe  and  flings  it  across  the  arena  towards  her  foe!

Combat: Barkida  sets  her  defense  level  to  Aggressive.

Combat: Barkida  misses  Blurr  with  her  Javelin  Toss  attack! [Pulled -3]

Blurr is  no  longer  the  speedster  he  once  was,  but  he's  still  rather  agile,  and  he's  bene  training! He dives  forward  and  hits  the  ground,  rolling  to  come  back  to  his  feet. "And I  fight  for...  well...  for...  well,  because  I'm  supposed  to!  But  I  have  to  say,  I  don't  feel  happy  about  fighting  an  organic!" He runs  towards  Barkida,  lacking  any  ranged  melee  weapons,  and  attempts  to  deliver  a  simple  punch  to  the  Amazon's  mid-section.

Combat: Blurr  misses  Barkida  with  his  Punch  attack!

Gasket and  Grommet  has  arrived.

"Put your  feelings  aside!" exhorts Barkida  as  Blurr  comes  at  her. "Don't shame  me  by  going  easy  on  me!" She leans  to  the  right  as  his  punch  comes  in  and  comes  back  with  an  outside  swing  of  her  left  arm,  aiming  to  smash  him  down  with  her  buckler  while  she  draws  her  sword.

Combat: Barkida  misses  Blurr  with  her  Shield  Bash  (Kick)  attack!

Blurr leaps  back  to  avoid  the  buckler,  then  steps  forward  onto  his  left  leg  in  order  to  bring  the  right  up  in  a  kick. "Shame you?  I  wouldn't  want  to  do  that!  I'll  do  my  best,  I've  been  doing  my  best,  I  just  don't  feel  happy  about  doing  my  best  here!"

Barkida catches  the  kick  on  her  shield,  her  sword  clearing  the  scabbard  with  a  musical  ring. "If not  for  pleasure,  then  for  duty!" She touches  the  flat  of  the  satin  black  blade  to  her  forehead  in  veneration  and  comes  out  from  behind  her  shield  with  a  lunging  downward  thrust  aimed  for  the  gap  between  Blurr's  neck  and  shoulder.

Combat: Barkida  sets  her  defense  level  to  Fearless.

Combat: Barkida  strikes  Blurr  with  her  Deep  Lunge  attack!

Combat: Barkida's  attack  has  strange  and  mysterious  effects  on  Blurr.

Blurr is  struck  between  shoulder  and  neck,  causing  him  to  stumble  backwards  and  severing  some  of  his  motor  systems! His self-repair  systems  are  working  on  correcting  the  problem,  but  in  the  meantime  he  seems  noticably  clumsier  than  before. "Right. Duty.  I  can  do  duty.  Watch  me  duty!" he mutters,  darting  towards  Barkida's  left. He twists,  trying  to  send  an  elbow  towards  the  Femaxian,  but  to  move  this  way,  he  puts  himself  in  easier  reach  of  her  weapon.

Combat: Blurr  sets  his  defense  level  to  Aggressive.

Combat: Blurr  misses  Barkida  with  his  Elbow  (Punch)  attack!

Barkida pulls  her  sword  out,  stepping  back  out  of  the  way  of  the  elbow's  arc  (slower  than  usual  due  to  the  injury,  no  doubt)  and  steps  back  in,  thrusting  her  gladius  low  for  the  belly  with  a  "Hah!"

Combat: Barkida  misses  Blurr  with  her  Belly  Stab  attack! [Pulled -1]

Snoring in  his  seat,  Backfire  accidentally  tips  over  and  falls  to  the  ground. Getting up,  he  rubs  his  temple. "You two  lameducks  still  goin'  at  it?  Sheesh,  shoulda  knew  this  would  happen."

Blurr jumps  backwards  and  out  of  the  way  of  Barkida's  strike,  arms  flailing  wildly  as  he  avoids  the  attack. "Hah? What's  so  funny?" he asks,  confused,  as  he  tries  to  duck  inside  the  sword's  reach,  aiming  an  uppercut  towards  Barkida's  chin.

Combat: Blurr  sets  his  defense  level  to  Fearless. Combat: Blurr  strikes  Barkida  with  his  Uppercut  (Punch)  attack!

"I'm glad  you're  feeling  more  confident!" Barkida replies,  popping  her  neck  with  a  tilt  of  her  head  as  she  recovers  from  the  blow. "I would  feel  sorry  for  defeating  an  opponent  who  lacked  at  least  a  little  fighting  spirit!" She kicks  out  with  her  right  foot  (as  it's  the  one  protected  with  a  manica)  to  try  to  knock  Blurr  to  the  ground  so  that  she  can  stab  him  with  her  gladius.

Combat: Barkida  strikes  Blurr  with  her  Kick  and  Thrust  attack! [Pulled -1]

Blurr is  knocked  to  the  ground  and  stabbed. Pinned again! His optics  widen  for  a  moment,  but  then  he  glares  up  at  the  woman. "I have  a  little  fighting  spirit!" he shouts. Not much  more  than  a  little. But a  little. Still prone,  he  kicks  up  towards  the  warrior,  trying  to  give  himself  a  little  space,  and  hopefully  getting  himself  out  from  beneath  that  gladius!

Combat: Blurr  misses  Barkida  with  his  Just  A  Kick  (Kick)  attack!

"Some superduper  speed  might  have  helped  there,  eh  Blurr  old  buddy?  You're  getting  taken  apart  by  a  giant  loinclothed  alien  woman,  sheesh!" Backfire calls  from  the  desk.

Barkida goes  to  the  ground  on  top  of  Blurr,  trying  to  pin  his  thrashing  legs  out  of  the  way  and  control  him  so  that  she  can  get  him  onto  his  face-  if  she  can  manage  this,  she  should  be  able  to  stab  him  in  the  back  without  much  fear  of  his  counterattacks. Of course,  it's  easier  tried  than  done. "Good! That  is  a  start!"

Combat: Barkida  strikes  Blurr  with  her  Pankration  attack! [Pulled -3]

Combat: Barkida's  attack  has  strange  and  mysterious  effects  on  Blurr.

Combat: That  attack  has  temporarily  impaired  Blurr's  Agility. (Crippled)

Blurr /glares/  at  Backfire  with  his  comment,  distracting  him  long  enough  for  Barkida  to  land  on  top  of  him  and  roll  him  over. He's stabbed  in  the  back,  but,  though  more  motor  relays  are  severed,  he  proves  to  be  not  completely  helpless  in  this  awkward  position. "Hey hey  hey,  what  are  you  doing!?" he shouts  as  he  brings  his  elbow  back,  trying  to  bring  it  into  Barkida  and  get  the  woman  off  his  back.

Combat: Blurr  misses  Barkida  with  his  Get  Off  My  Back  Woman! (Punch) attack!

"Booooooring! I  want  to  see  decapitations." Backfire heckles,  resting  back  on  the  desk.

In keeping  with  her  plan,  Barkida  straddles  Blurr,  trying  to  keep  her  ankles  on  his  arms  to  minimize  the  danger  of  his  swinging  elbows,  and  brings  up  her  sword  in  a  two-handed  knife  grip  over  his  back. "Bringing this  match  to  a  quick  end!"

Combat: Barkida  misses  Blurr  with  her  Death  by  Snu-Snu  attack!

Blurr survives  the  snu-snu! Although there  really  are  worse  ways  to  go...

Since the  elbows  didn't  work,  he  instead  attempts  to  twist  quickly  enough  and  with  enough  force  to  throw  Barkida  from  his  back,  probably  painfully! "Normally, the  faster  it  is  the  better  I  like  it,  but  not  like  this!" he shouts.

Combat: Blurr  misses  Barkida  with  his  Buckin'  Bronco  (Kick)  attack!

"Jeez, can  you  guys  miss  anymore??  This  is  supposed  to  be  for  the  glory,  the  accolades,  the  GOLD!  Come  on  now,  you're  fighting  like  a  bunch  of..  well,  goodguys." Backfire chides.

Barkida tries  to  grab  one  of  Blurr's  lashing  legs  in  her  arms  and  pull  it  out  of  joint! If that  can  even  work  on  Cybertronians. She's not  very  clear  on  how  the  machine-men  actually  operate. "I forsee  an  inevitable  victory!"

Combat: Barkida  strikes  Blurr  with  her  Reverse  Cowgirl  attack! [Pulled -3]

"Ow ow  ow  ow  ow!" Blurr protests  as  the  Femaxian  yanks  on  his  leg. She doesn't  manage  to  pull  it  out,  but  the  move  does  damage  his  subspace  access  circuits,  meaning  he  can't  summon  his...  gun  anymore. Oh, well. With the  woman  on  his  legs,  he  twists  to  his  side,  trying  to  kick  her  off  of  them. "Let's try  to  make  it  a  little  less  vitable!" he shouts,  obviously  not  thinking  about  how  stupid  he  sounds.

(On the  up  side,  if  he  were  his  normal  self,  he'd  have  a  lot  more  time  to  shout  a  lot  more  stupid  stuff,  so  this  is  probably  for  the  best.)

Combat: Blurr  strikes  Barkida  with  his  Vitable  Victory  (Kick)  attack!

"Yes, yes,  yes..  that  is  more  like  it!  If  not  for  being  insufferable  ninnies,  you  two  would  make  a  decent  pair  of  Decepticons!" Backfire chuckles,  rising  once  again  to  get  a  better  view  of  the  two.

Barkida finally  tumbles  off  of  Blurr  as  he  manages  to  fling  her,  rolling  to  her  feet  and  rising  swiftly. She managed  to  keep  ahold  of  her  sword,  which  extends  with  a  quiet  ringing  sound  into  a  thirty  foot  long  spear  at  some  unspoken  command. She thrusts  this  towards  Blurr,  hoping  to  jab  him  with  the  leaf-shaped  point  before  he  can  recover  his  feet  as  well.

Combat: Barkida  strikes  Blurr  with  her  Pigsticker  attack! [Pulled -2]

Blurr is  stabbed  with  a  thirty  foot  long  spear,  right  through  the  the  gut. He screams,  and  starts  to  look  frightened. Wait. Just an  Olympics  fight. He can  do  this. Just an  Olympics  fight! To Backfire,  he  shouts,  "There's  no  such  thing  as  a  decent  Decepticon!"

He doesn't  scramble  to  his  feet,  instead  transforming  and  driving  right  towards  Barkida. Wait, aren't  rams  forbidden? But at  the  last  moment  he  changes  directions,  trying  to  pass  her  and  nudge  her  as  he  passes,  a  car-punch!

Blurr transforms  at  a  depressingly  average  speed  into  a  hovercar.

Combat: Blue  Hovercar  [Blurr]  strikes  Barkida  with  his  Car  Punch! (Punch) attack!

Barkida was  not  expecting  a  car-punch. On her  planet  they  don't  even  HAVE  car-punches. Blurr's nudge  hooks  her  greave,  takes  her  off  her  feet  and  sends  her  sprawling,  but  she  rolls  over  and  jabs  her  spear  at  Blurr's  rear  end. She's aiming  low,  trying  to  blow  out  one  of  his  tires  if  she  can  hit  the  small  (and  rotating)  target  solidly.

Blue Hovercar  [Blurr]  has  no  tires. :(

Combat: Barkida  misses  Blue  Hovercar  [Blurr]  with  her  Lack  of  Tire  Confusion  attack! [Pulled -3]

They don't  have  hovering  things  on  Barkida's  planet  either.

"Pfffft, shows  how  much  you  know.  Or  how  little  you  know,  yeah.  That's  it." Backfire replies,  as  Blurr  nudge-rams  Barkida. "Hey, Wonder  Woman..  it's  a  HOVER  CAR!"

Blue Hovercar  [Blurr]  is  a  hovercar,  making  it  pretty  easy  for  hmi  to  zoom  right  over  the  spear. He spins  suddenly  in  a  far  tighter  radius  than  a  car  with  wheels  could  ever  hope  to  accomplish  and  speeds  back  towards  Barkida,  transforming  at  the  last  moment  and  throwing  himself  at  her  in  an  attempt  to  tacker  her  to  the  ground.

Blurr transforms  at  a  depressingly  average  speed  into  robot  mode.

Combat: Blurr  strikes  Barkida  with  his  Flying  Tackle  (Punch)  attack!

"How does  it..." Barkida looks  puzzled. She definitely  poked  where  the  wheels  were  supposed  to  be,  but  her  opponent  just  went  over  it. The egg-monster  was  an  easier  fight,  that's  for  sure. Her spear  retracts,  shortening  and  solidifying  into  the  more  usual  short-sword  form,  and  she  thrusts  it  towards  Blurr  as  he  hurls  himself  bodily  at  her,  smashing  her  to  the  ground! She hopes  to  have  made  a  singularly  uncomfortable  bed  for  him!

Combat: Barkida  strikes  Blurr  with  her  Bed  of  Nails  attack! [Pulled -3]

Combat: Blurr  falls  to  the  ground,  unconscious.

Blurr falls  atop  Barkida's  short-sword,  and  atop  Barkida. His optics  open  wide  in  shock,  and  then  go  dark  as  he  slumps  against  her.

Oh, well. There really  are  worse  ways  to  go.

"Ah, finally!" Backfire calls  out,  getting  up  from  the  edge  of  the  desk  and  striding  towards  Barkida  and  Blurr  in  a  heaped  mess  on  the  ground. "Not a  Decepticon,  but  at  least  it  wasn't  an  Autobot..  that's  the  best  we  could  hope  for!  Winner  is  Barkida,  and  so  goes  the  gold  medal.  Haha,  that  slow  blue  POS  gets  a  sympathy  silver  I  guess."

Blurr is  too  unconcious  to  hear  the  gloating.

Barkida rolls  Blurr  off  of  herself  and  stands  up,  sheathing  her  sword. She raises  a  fist  to  the  crowd,  particularly  the  biological  part  of  the  crowd. "Thank you!  I  dedicate  this  victory  to  my  Queen,  and  to  all  the  people  who  believed  that  sinew  and  heart  could  defeat  a  cold  and..." She was  going  to  say  'emotionless'  here  but  that  clearly  wouldn't  be  accurate. "...blue machine."

Blurr is  totally  blue. He's a  very  sad  Blurr.