Four Weddings and a Funeral

Synopsis: Galvatron has DIED, but Americon hosts a funeral for him! Bonus: The Decepticons try to capture the nuances of Galvatron's speech!

It is a grim day for four men, standing on the altar of Dominion Church. For today, they are losing, perhaps forever, their freedom and independence. Why? Because... THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED! Simultaneously! But that is not all! For they must also contend with...

THE DECEPTICONS!

The four men stand on the altar, smiling up there with their blushing brides. The minister asks, "Does anyone object to these eight happy people being married? If so, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

SUDDENLY!

BOOM! In through the church doors smashes Americon. "I object!" he declares. "On account of the fact that today we have scheduled a FUNERAL and not weddings! You jerks will have to wait... IN AMERICA!" He strides up to the altar, shoving the minister aside, and says, "Ok, bring in the coffin, guys! Oh, and start taking hostages! Don't worry, everyone, we'll *probably* let you go once we're done."

Rippersnapper pall bearers the empty coffin for exhaust and giggles mostly. At one front corner, the Terrorcon hauls in the coffin, wiping his feet on the long red carpet. "Bow your heads, you sappy polyamorous germs."

Catechism is a flower girl. She got the wrong memo. There is a Monacusian gilt-lily tiara around her cone, trailing Brandaxian star-lace behind her. She is carrying a bucket full of Charr blood-roses and flings a few oversized flowers at the nearest humans, shouting, "Flee before the floral might of Galvatron's funeral!"

Fleet has another corner, largely by virtue of the fact that someone had grabbed him and ordered him to, "Carry this. Here." He looks very disconcerted, and more than a little confused. And here he had hoped they'd have gotten this out of the way /before/ he surrendered the Invictus!

They waited just for Fleet.

Scrapper has arrived.

One of the grooms to be complains, "Hey! This isn't an eight-way marriage! We're just, you know, all getting hitched at the same time! I get so tired of explaining that!" Other humans screech and cower as Catechism showers them with flower petals... until they finally get a look at them. They look really embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Americon waves in the pall-bearers, serving as traffic controller again. "That's right... little further... little further...." Eventually the coffin looms right over his head. "Hm... this might be a good spot to drop it... yeah, here's good!"

Fusillade descends from the skies above.

Fusillade has arrived.

Scrapper is the bagpipe player. Except instead of a bagpipe it is a trumpet. And instead of Taps being played, it is Space Taps. But other than that it is basically the exact same thing. The Constructicon marches in after Americon, the coffin, and the others.

Fleet drops the coffin, as ordered.

These are ludicrously large flowers, to be fair. Rafflesia-sized blood-roses. That could be a bit scary to a human. Catechism winces when the coffin is dropped, sending a shower of huge petals everywhere. Wasn't that on Americon's head? But she's starting to fear that Americon doesn't use his head very much, anyway.

Rippersnapper lets slip the handle from his grip and turns around. "Plant your butts, shut your yaps, and nobody will get sacrificed for ceremonial or entertainment purposes. And ladies." He pivots and points to the four brides. "You're not fooling anybody wearing that color."

Robotic Bald Eagle < Americon > yells, "Ow!" as the coffin falls on his head. There's a great rumbling under it, and the spunky little tape crawls out from under it. "Enh. Enh. Don't worry, guys!" He thumbs up and smiles at everyone. "I'm alright! I'm ok. Just a little, uh, misstep, that's all! Anyway." Brushing himself off, he grabs a microphone from the minister, and shoves him to the floor again. "Annnyway! Welcome, to, uh, Galvatron's funeral. Um. Glad you could all make it. There's... there's cake here." He gestures towards the wedding cake on the table. "I don't think we can process it. But, uh, it's there. So! Who wants to put in a few words for our dearly departed leader?"

"I THINK HE SUCKED!" yells a man.

Americon frowns. "Hey, now, that's not nice."

The brides start crying. Whether because they're scared, or because their purity was questioned, who knows. Elsewhere, some children begin hitting each other with the giant petals.

Fusillade sidles over to the cake, and smooshes her hand into it, beginning to swirl it over her armor in circles and spirals.

Fleet looks around, decides it's going to be one of /those/ days, and just grabs up a nearby organic to hold hostage.

Collateral has arrived.

Scrapper stops trumpeting long enough to see whether or not Americon is alright. As bad luck would have it, he is and so he resumes up until Americon starts his speech. At that point he plays louder, possibly in an attempt to drown the tape out. He stops again, however, as one of the brides begins to cry. "There there," he says, patting the poor bride. "He wasn't all that great of a leader, you know. We Decepticons will be just fine."

When Scrapper slanders Galvatron, a 'NYYYYYARRRRGGGHHHH!' can almost be heard, wafting by on a breeze.

Fusillade freezes in the middle of writing the Cybertronian for 'remove before flight' at the sound of the enraged bellow. The cake she had been using as media falls from one hand with a 'splut' at her feet. "Whoa. That's a pretty fluid-chilling sound effect there. Okay, who's pranking?" She narrows her saffron optics, glancing directly at Rippersnapper.

Catechism cringes at the sounds of the nyargh and looks around nervously. Quickly, she removes her gilt-lily tiara and stuffs it in her cockpit. Yeah, better not be an Air Commander wearing any crowns today. Might be a bad idea. She backs up a few steps and throws some more petals, as if trying to vanish behind a screen of floral flak.

Scrapper shivers at the sudden breeze. But it was just his imagination, no doubt. Right? Right. Ok there are to be no more questions about the breeze.

Collateral is here!...but not to listen to Americon make a speech. Or, really, try and make one herself. Currently, she's a little more interested in one of the husbands-to-be, eyeing (opticing?) him suspiciously. He eyes back for all of two seconds...then promptly starts edging away. But suck escape is not to be had! "C'mere, you!"

The panicking human is grabbed by the scruff of his jacket, and placed right up on Collateral's shoulder. She pats him on the head. "Ok, ready no-hey, did anybody else hear that?"

Robotic Bald Eagle < Americon > points at Scrapper. "Scrapper! Approach the fake coffin of our beloved leader and say something nice, would you!?" He hops off the altar

Americon undergoes a patriotic transformation into his All-American robot mode!

Fleet's optics widen at the sound. He shakes his head, then murmurs softly, "It's... probably just the wind. I hope." He gulps, and continues to look around nervously.

Rippersnapper strolls over to the pedestal bowl of holy water and takes a slurp.

Scrapper takes to the podium, putting down his trumpet first. "What I will always remember most about Galvatron was his ability to forgive. Yes, his ability to forgive! He could be remarkably compassionate at times, and would always understand whenever any of his loyal, LOYAL subjects turned against him INVOLUNTARILY. Why, I recall times when Decepticons would have their minds taken over by even eviller beings and turn against the Empire. Say by the Robot Devil, for example. But Glavatron understood that this did not reflect their true loyalties, but instead that these mechs had no choice in the matter, and that these mechs should be FORGIVEN ENTIRELY and not be held accountable for their actions."

"Am I right, Fleet?" He asks rhetorically. "Yeah, I'm right. Anyway, I think that we should respect Mighty Lord Galvatron by carrying on that fine tradition of forgiveness. I believe it would be an appropriate thing to do to honour this trait of his, and that whoever ends up leading the Empire after this should keep the forgiveness due to mind control tradition going."

Scrapper shifts uncomfortably behind the podium, which is way too small for him. "So in conclusion, Fleet and I are completely innocent. Thank you and Primus-bless."

"Oh, absolutely right!" Fleet agrees with Scrapper fevrently. "I've never heard truer words spoken!" He starts cheering and applauding wildly. "Great speech! Excellent speech! Very good!"

Oh. Wait. Wasn't Fleet holding a human hostage? He sighs, starts wiping his hands off against one of the pews, and looks around for another one.

"..."

Collateral looks at her shoulder-decoration, tilting her head. "Eeeeh...I give him a 5." She waves her hand in emphasis. Her companion just whimpers. "Oh, don't worry, hun, I'm sure they'll be better ones."

Catechism was so excited that she was going to get to flay Scrapper and Fleet! But it's not to be. At least Fleet brought home a gift. A really ugly gift covered in dead bodies. Catechism sighs wistfully.

Scrapper nods and claps along with Fleet, trying to promote this idea of forgiveness. He stops just as he was leaving the podium and quickly adds, "Oh, and just throwing this out there, but Constructicons for Decepticon leadership. Strongest robot, we should rule. You all know the drill. Just throwing that out there for you all to consider in the upcoming days. Alright, I'm done." He steps down.

Americon claps his HANDS, having transformed, finally. "Very, very, very good, Scrapper! Though I'm not sure he would forgive you so easily! The President was very mean! I think he would probably grab your head, then one of your ankles, and pull them in opposite directions for a while! That is my best guess!" He claps his hands again. "Uh, good speech, though! Thanks! Rippersnapper? Got anything to share with us on this sad day?"

"Ha ha ha, you didn't know Galvatron as well as I did," Scrapper retorts to Americon. "We used to have long private chats where he'd ask my advice about leadership. Why I recall his words exactly... FLASHBACK. Galvatron and Scrapper are sitting on a back porch out in the American midwest. 'Scrapper, if any of my soldiers got mind controlled by the robot devil, why it would be unamerican to prosecute them.' Galvatron says. Galvatron's also wearing a cowboy hat. FLASHFORWARD TO NOW. "It was just like that," Scrapper says.

Fusillade clenches her jaw a bit at the almost frenetic clip of the speech. She mmmphs a bit, and raises a hand to scrub at the back of her helm, before she turns to pluck at the large flowers.

Shadow has arrived.

Rippersnapper stands upright from nosing the holy water. A drop falls from his face. "FINALLY! Yeah, Scrapper, we forgive you for that lousey speech." He kicks ne leg up behind the other and leans on one arm, hand up against a wall pillar with a sculpted angel bosom underneath. "Now, Galvatron wasn't one for lots of words. He left the blah blah blah nonsense to yackers like Cyclonus. That he isn't here today shows his utmost respect for Galvatron's wishes. So, long yarn short, here's to Galvatron." He snatches up the basin by the pedestal and raises it in toast. "His power was everything. He was the only one who could kick his own aft to death." He downs the rest of the holy water and then spits it out over the pew-parked humans. "This must be a birdbath." He drops it to the floor where it crumbles.

Rippersnapper points at scrapper. "And Abominus owns you."

"Hmmmm..." Collateral rubs her chin. "More to the point, I like that...but still not as good as it could be. Not /bad/, but not /good/. We'll give him a 7."

"W-we?" the human on her shoulder asks, timidly. Collateral gives him a blunt look.

"Yeah, we. I mean, I thought the two-thumbs-up thing was boring and that's why I'm doing the numbers. /Work/ with me here, guy, or I'm gonna just have to throw you in for the new model."

Astrotrain descends from the skies above.

Astrotrain has arrived.

Shadow has been here the whole time. Really. He's just inconspicuous. And kind of in the background. Don't mind him.

"Collateral, are you planning on a breeding program for slaves or something?" Fusillade asks over her shoulder as she half tunes-out the long-winded diatribes. On occasion, she slides her gaze over the helicopter fella. He seemed new.

Americon grins at Scrapper. "Oh, you lying bastard! Hahaha, you're in a church, you scoundrel!" Then, he listens politely to Rippersnapper as he gives his speech, and he applauds. "Indeed! Kicking your own aft is a great accomplishment! I should know, I've tried doing it myself but my joints aren't flexible enough! For Galvatron to do it, he must have been powerful indeed! Anyway, I'm up next guys!" He whistles, and a bunch of gumby Cassetticons rush in, holding objects that look suspiciously like peripherals from Rock Band. "Just gimme a sec to get set up!"

Scrapper waves his hand dismissively at Rippersnapper's last point, "Whatever." To Americon, Scrapper just shrugs.

"I prefer the term 'servant'!" Collateral chimes in, raising her cannon for good measure. "It just sounds nicer, ok."

Fusillade purses hematite lips up into a moue at Collateral's objection. "Oh, hnn, okay. Well one of them got squished. We might as well go ahead and rearrange them. I don't think it really matters which one goes where, you don't need as many males usually." This is all based on supposition. Or possibly millennia of oppression of organics. She rises from her seat, and begins to swagger over to the weeping hostages. "I like the two-tone pattern on the males," she observes.

Shadow notices Fusillade's occasional glances. His rotors twitch slightly--he's not quite sure what to make of Americon's antics, but most Decepticons present actually seem normal. If Decepticons *can* be considered normal, anyway. He approaches Fusillade, motioning toward Americon. "Is there something wrong with his programming?" he asks quietly.

After hooking all of the Rock Band peripherals to the sound system in the church, Americon takes a guitar peripheral in hand, and clears his throat. Turtler, a turtle cassette, takes the drums peripheral; Jars, a shark cassette, takes the keyboard synthesizer peripheral, and Glitter, the demonic fairy tape, takes the bass guitar peripheral. "Ahem. A one, a two..." then Americon starts SCREAMING!! The band thrashes at their instruments! Holy smokes, this is DEATH METAL!

"GAALLLLLVATTROOOONN'S DEAAAAAD! HE'S A ****ING COORRPPPSEE!"

The chorus chants, "Little bits floating in space!"

"BUT DON'T RELAX, YOU BASTARDS! GALVATRON IS WATCHING YOU! HE'S IN HELL, RIGHT NOW, KEEPING AN OPTIC ON ALL OF YOU!"

The chorus chants, "Better be good Decepticons!"

"THAT'S RIGHT, B****ES! GALVATRON MIGHT BE IN HELL,

BUT HE'S ALREADY OVERTHROWN SATAN!

AND HE'S JUST WAITING FOR YOUR AFT TO GET IN THERE WITH HIM!

AND IF YOU AREN'T A GOOD DECEPTICON, GALVATRON WILL **** YOU UP!!!

RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The chorus chants, "He will **** you up!"

"DIE! YOU'LL DIE! YOU'LL ALL MUTHER****ING DIE! GALVATRON WILL KILL YOU TWICE!

SO GET OUT THERE! KILL SOME AUTOBOTS! OPPRESS SOME HUMANS! DON'T BE A ****!

THAT MAKES GALVATRON MAAAAAAADDDDD! ERRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Americon drops to his knees, gasping as the music cuts off. After he recuperates, he says, "So, uh, remember, everyone... vote for me in the upcoming election!" A giant poster unfurls behind him, showing a portrait of Americon looking off into the distance confidently. Text on the poster reads: VOTE AMERICON FOR PRESIDENT! HE IS OUR ONLY HOPE FOR CHANGE!

Americon waves and helps the cassettes dismantle all of the peripherals and get them off the altar. "Oh, Catechism, you're up!"

"There's something wrong with just about EVERYONE's programming." Fusillade blurts out to Shadow, loud enough for everyone's audials. Although it probably gets drowned out in Americon's squalling. A bit louder, she shouts, "So, what division are you in anyway? Military Operations? Aerospace? Could technically go in either," she sashays hips a little bit to illustrate the teetering balance of Shadow's factional identity.

Rippersnapper wonders when Soundwave is going to get a proper tape storage shelf for all his little bastards. He pushes off and de-handles the stone angel bosom as a leaning point and claps in the utter silence.

Fleet covers his audials at Americon's 'singing.' Then he leans over towards Scrapper, and says softly, "Erm. Wasn't /going/ to hell and making deals with the Devil pretty much what landed Galvatron in this state, anyway?" At least, that's how Fleet remembers it!

Collateral opens her mouth to respond to Fusillade, but is promptly drowned out by American's Rock Band. Rather: Epic Rock Band. She spins around in surprise, her little shoulder companion letting out a scream of panic as the motion throws him off her shoulder. For those curious, a fall of around 30 feet isn't too fun for a human.

The tank finally sights Americon, blinking in surprise. "......wait, I thought we didn't want change." Now she just looks confused.

Rippersnapper calls out from the back, "You guys suck!"

Americon walks up to Collateral, a fake guitar in his hands, and grins. "Hey, I can do status quo, too! Whatever gets my cynical, manipulative self votes, I'll do it!" Then Rippersnapper heckles him. "YOU SHUT UP! WE ROCK!"

Catechism sighs and suggests to Fusillade and Collateral, "Just remember to feed the little wretches. They smell horrible after they die."

Then, she stalks up to the microphone, wraps her hands around the shaft, and she CRUSHES it with a hideous feedback screech. Her shoulder hunch up, and she tilts her head down, casting a long shadow over her face. "Galvatron led because he was strong, powerful, and cunning. But he's dead now. It isn't Decepticon to mourn. What good does it do? Just gives the Autobots more time to build their powerbases. Better that we strike them while they think us weak and show them that while leaders come and go, the Decepticon Empire never dies."

Shadow's optics dim for a second, giving the impression that he's blinking. He continues trying to ignore Americon. "I'm in Intelligence," he answers. "My name is Shadow--I specialize in reconnaissance."

< Decepticon > A distorted signal suddenly cuts through a squalling burst of static. "--NYYYYAAAARRRR--"

< Decepticon > It then just as quickly terminates.

< Decepticon > Rippersnapper says, "Yeah, that song sucked I know."

Scrapper leans back over towards Fleet and whispers in a hushed tone, "You now know the true meaning of Deceptirony, Fleet." He then shakes his head, "That is by far the worst music I have ever heard, and I once heard Bonecrusher singing opera while overenergized and working a jackhammer."

< Decepticon > Americon says, "Don't make me attack you in a church!"

< Decepticon > Rippersnapper says, "Holy War, Tape-Man!"

"Ok, well, here's the question." Collateral leans forwards, peering down at the smaller mech. "What're you going to do about taxes, huh? And-" Pause. Blink. Reach up to wriggle an ear in one of her audials. "I really gotta get these checked..."

< Decepticon > Collateral transmits the sound of something squeaking. Possibly her trying to clean out her audials. "I really gotta get these checked..."

< Decepticon > Shadow says, "..."

< Decepticon > Astrotrain says, "Ain't none of you knuckle-mechs able to recognize that "NYAAAARRRGH!" by now?"

Rippersnapper hones in on the ring bearers and examines each rock. "Puny... puny... puny... puny... and fake."

The 'fake' ring bride slaps her fiance.

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "Hey, I was just keepin' QUIET about it."

< Decepticon > Astrotrain says, "Wait I didn't get that right. It's like...NYAAGH!"

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "No no no."

< Decepticon > Astrotrain says, "Hmm that wasn't it either...you know what I mean!"

Fleet nods in response to Scrapper. "Oh, of course." He frowns and tilts his head as he hears something over the radio. "... Random static?" he suggests.

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "It's... *inhales* NEEEEEEEYAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNGH!"

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "Like that."

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "Gotta get your intakes into it."

< Decepticon > Astrotrain says, "Wouldn't work. You ain't got a cannon."

< Decepticon > Scrapper says, "You need a higher pitch, Fusillade."

< Decepticon > Scrapper says, "Almost like it was a squeal."

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade considers with a quiet 'hmmmm!'

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "I'll have to think on that, gentlemechs."

< Decepticon > Scrapper says, "Sort of a... 'NeeeeeAARRRyEEEEEEAA ARGH'. Emphasis on the ARRR and yEEEE.""

< Decepticon > Shadow says, "I think my audios are going to break. Thank you, Astrotrain."

< Decepticon > Astrotrain says, "No problemo."

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "So. AHHHR.  yEE.  yEE.  yEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "Yeah?"

"Like I don't know after having that one smell up the Argosy's bar after a Sweep drug it back!" Fusillade sasses Catechism back. "Don't worry, I have plans for taking back Africa. Onslaught and I will be in touch with Soundwave about it." She grins wide, before edging away from Collateral's broken hyooman, and listening to Catechism's fits and starts of inspiration. She's getting there.

She ahs to Shadow. "Well, good to meet you. And my, reconnaissance? Maybe even Intel for your." She tries very very hard to not break into peals of laughter at the radio channel.

Americon grins up at Collateral. "I'm going to lie about cutting them, then send them up through the roof, laughing at taxpayers as I bathe myself in my ill-gotten money! Mwahahaha!" Once Catechism wraps up her speech, Americon applauds. "Indeed, Catechism! Mourning is beneath us! But that is not why we are here, disrupting all of these people's lives and ending a few of them accidentally! No, we are here to CELEBRATE what a merciless, heartless, loveable guy he was! Seriously, in all the millions of years Megatron was online, he killed, what, four people, total? Then he got turned into Galvatron, and HOLY HELL, the bodies just piled on top of each other! So hats off to you, you big evil guy! We'll all miss you and your oversized artillery!"

Americon walks up to the coffin, with its effigy of Galvatron, and sniffs a bit as he begins dousing it with gasoline. "So long, Mr. President!"

"Well if it's a wake, where's the energon?!" Fusillade quizzes Americon.

Rippersnapper wanders around to the coffin, not caring who is talking about Galvatron at the moment. He stands over the box lid as he says, "You suppose we ought to bury /somebody/ in this thing?"

Shadow slowly nods. "Intelligence, yes..." He glances over to Americon, slightly raising an optic ridge. "What are you doing?" He's not quite sure he'll *ever* understand the things Soundwave's tapes do.

"He's -burning- it," Collateral asides to Shadow, nodding knowingly. "It's what you do at funerals. You say your piece, then you cremate the body, then you put someone up in a chair, raise it up and down a couple times, then kick the can. Isn't that right?" She turns to her shoulder...only to discover there's nobody there! "Hey, buddy! Where'd you go?"

On the floor, a human is moaning in pain. MooooooOOOooOOOooOaaan.

Catechism snorts at Fusillade. Oh yes, she's sure that Fusillade and Onslaught will be in touch with Soundwave about retaking Africa. If they'd like the Seeker wings, however, they'd blasted well better be in touch with /her/. And if not? Well, Catechism has plans of her own. Horrible, Captain Planet villainesque plans. She should really be stopped, but that's why the Autobots are there. "A celebration, eh? So, what major city are we vaping, then? It's not a party until someone gets hurt." Someone other than everyone in this curch.

Scrapper takes his turn to walk up to the coffin, "So long, Galvatron," he says, patting the coffin. "We shall all remember and respect you... for your ability to forgive." Long, awkward pause. "Hey does anyone have dibs on what's left of his corpse? I could make one slaggin' great table out of it. Just think how classy that would be in our meeting room."

Americon smirks at Fusillade. "Don't worry, I ordered some! It should be here very soon!" Then a truck trailer, sans struck, smashes in through the roof of the church. It bursts open and energon cubes just pour out of it. "Ok, everyone, time to get really drunk!" Then, he uses a blast from his hand gun to set the coffin alight. It, and the Galvatron effigy within, burn fiercely, and possibly scorching Scrapper, who had gotten to close.

"Vape a city?" Americon says aloud, rubbing his chin. "I dunno. Why not Moscow? After all, they resisted our cruel reign!"

Fleet rubs the back of his head thoughtfully as he considers this. "He had an awefully large corpse. I'm sure there's all sorts of things you could do with the left-overs! We'd have to do a bit of space-salvage, though..." Then he shifts from one foot to the other. "What about his head?"

Americon blinks at Shadow, then, as the coffin burns. "Huh? I am setting the coffin on fire, of course! The Autobots cannot have a chance to deface our beloved effigy of our beloved leader!"

Rippersnapper steps back and watches the structure start to flood with smoke.

Rippersnapper says, "Brilliant."

Fusillade furrows her optic ridges in dismay at Catechism's question. "Nothing so gratifying," she aspirates. Glancing over one shoulder, she seems satisfied with the company she's keeping, and elaborates, "Satellite launches. Can't say much more right now, I'll be happy to get with you later."

As Scrapper's words sink in, Fusillade's jaw goes slack. She immediately lunges for the coffin to see if the cannon is intact, but Americon blows up the coffin. "So uh... hrn. Cannon?" She grins wide with her best pretty please expression, although any wheeling or dealing she had in mind is immediately forgotten. "Oooh, energon!" She takes a sniff. "Hickory smoked flavor, too." She scoops up a cube, and begins to drain it, giving Shadow another speculative, appraising glance.

Americon also adds, "It did not occur to me to bury the coffin, or put an actual person in it! Uh." He looks around at the humans. "So, anybody wanna volunteer?... Anyone?..."

Rippersnapper picks up the bible from the altar and starts reading aloud while he still can make out the words. "Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.... Hey.... this ain't a bible..."

< Decepticon > A distorted signal suddenly cuts through a squalling burst of static. Again. "IIIUUUUUUAAIII SSSSSSTTTIIIIEEEUUULLLLLHHHH FFFFFFF" And then, again, a swift termination.

< Decepticon > Grey Snapper, Fusillade says, "Unctious!"

< Decepticon > Shadow says, "..."

Shadow just facepalms.

< Decepticon > Americon says, "Damn, if I didn't live in Soundwave and look up to him like a father, and I was President, I would fire him for these disruptions in our communications frequencies!"

Smoke filling the air, strange noises filling the audios, this can only bring Collateral to one conclusion...

"Guys, I think we lit the roof on fire."

< Decepticon > Shadow says, "If my audios do not deceive me...that static sounds vaguely like Lord Galvatron."

< Decepticon > Americon says, "Impossible! We just had his funeral!"

< Decepticon > Collateral says, "Wait, we're done?"

< Decepticon > Rippersnapper says, "It's probably just one of those stupid interceptors playing games again."

< Decepticon > Americon says, "Well, with the paying respects part, yes! Now we're in the "getting drunk" phase!"

Scrapper jerks back as the coffin is set ablaze. The fire reflects in Scrapper's optical visor as the animator for this scene suddenly decides to get all artistic for a moment. Yeah. Yeah, soak in that artistic animation, you slack jawed moron viewers. Ok, now that that's done, the Constructicon looks over at Fusillade, "To this very day I don't know why we threw Megatron out of Astrotrain still with his cannon. I mean Brawn proved it didn't need to be Megatron to use it, yet nope, Starscream chucked it out too." He shakes his head. "I vowed on that day we wouldn't make the same mistake twice..."

< Decepticon > Collateral says, "But when's the chair phase!?"

< Decepticon > Americon says, "There's a chair phase, now!?"

< Decepticon > Astrotrain says, "Maybe the wuss Galvatron from that alternate universe came through too."

Rippersnapper sets the book down, eyes the burninf coffin and shakes his head, heading for the exit. "This funeral blows." He pulsl out his Cyclone Gun, turns around, and sends a hurricane in through the church as he leans down to back out the big wooden doors.

< Decepticon > Collateral says, "Yeah! You totally put someone in a chair and raise it up and down one of the humans I played with a while back told me so. (They're not very durable.)"

"PPPHT! I think Starscream was just trying to make a point. Talk about trying WAY too hard." She shifts weight slightly to turn her space-hardened tile to the blaze, enjoying the radiant warmth. "I suppose if the hyoomans are meant to keep entertaining us, we should get them out." She shrugs a bit. And then she gets a blowjob from Rippersnapper. "WHOOOOOOOOO!" She leans into the sudden gales. "This just got a lot cooler! Yeah-heh!"

Shadow glances to Scrapper with a vague hint of a shudder. "I remember Starscream. Irritating mech, really..."

Americon tilts his head back and laughs. "Ha ha ha! An excellent pun! I am WINDED from laughing so hard, get it? GET IT?"

Catechism sighs and says, "Whatever. I'm going back to Cybertron and blowing something up." Something productive. Bah. She transforms and puts another hole in the roof.

Catechism transforms to her jet mode, which is quite astoundingly simple for the coneheaded model that she is.

Catechism begins retreating, leaving herself vulnerable to parting shots from Decepticon Shuttle < Astrotrain >.

Fleet is knocked over by the sudden cyclone. He sees Catechism fleeing, and decides that's a good idea. He transforms and scrambles off.

Fleet begins retreating, leaving himself vulnerable to parting shots from Decepticon Shuttle < Astrotrain >, XF-35B Astral Lightning < Catechism >.

Shadow glances around at the others before starting after Fleet and Catechism. "I think I'll go with you," he remarks as he, like Catechism, transforms. Holes in the roof? He cares not!

Shadow transforms into his chopper mode.

Americon sputters as everyone starts to leave, "B-b-but guys! There's still booze!" He begins to hop around, pointing at the energon cubes. "It is a sad day when a Decepticon turns down the chance to get drunk!" he mutters.

Catechism soars upward to the Sky above the Eastern United States.

Catechism has left.

And now people are -leaving- this is not conductive to the funeral at all. Why are they all leaving!? "GUYS! Wait up, we're not done...yet..." Pause as everyone takes to the sky but a few precious others...including American. Collateral /stares/ at him, realizing something, and POINTS.

"YOU! We're going after them!"

"Chill, I'm still here," Fusillade says as she edges cubes away from the smoldering fires, and shrugs at Collateral.

Americon nods at Collateral. "RIGHT! We are! Americon, away!" Transforming, he blasts out of a stained glass window... and returns after only a few seconds to grab a junior-sized cube. "Almost forgot a pick-me-up!"

Americon's robot legs pop out metallic feather-like objects as they and his lower torso split apart, also revealing an eagle head. The arms and robot head join the main body, and his guns convert into tail feathers and rocket launchers. Americon is now a bald eagle!

< Decepticon > Catechism says, "Am in orbit around Cybertron..."

Shadow soars upward to the Sky above the Eastern United States.

Shadow has left.

Collateral grins at Fusillade. "Come with us! We can totally teach those guys a lesson for ditching us." Without further ado, she promptly grabs hold of (the much smaller) Casetticon. "Up, up, and AWAY!"

"Rawrk!" Americon yelps as he is snatched!

They...aren't flying. Collateral /frowns/. And shakes Americon a bit. "C'mon, get -going-!"

Rippersnapper steps back into the church for one last sacrilidgious act not yet performed. He gives Fusillade a dipsmooch. ;)

Robotic Bald Eagle < Americon > flaps his wings. "Squawk! I am trying to, but you seized me!"

"..." Collateral...facepalms. With her free hand. "That's the point of -you- carrying -me-. FLAP FASTER!"

Scrapper raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun as he watches folks fly off. He then looks over at Fusillade and Rippersnapper. "I'm going to head back to base and get my optics scoured of all visual records of the last astrohour, if anyone needs me."

Robotic Bald Eagle < Americon > grunts with exertion! He flaps faster, and his thrusters activate with great vigor! "Enh! Enh!" Slowly, both Decepticons rise off the ground!

A shriek of outrage wells up from within the inferno of the church. With optics crossed, Fusillade writhes in Rippersnapper's fishy mouth grasp, and bites his tounge before yanking her head back, emitting an "OW!" as she snaps off one of his teeth against his helmet, before she transforms, and for good measure, unloads half her forward bomb stores into the ruined church.


 * BOOMITY-BOOMITY-BOMPH-BOOM-BOOM!*

Seconds later, she whips past the slowly rising Americon and Collateral.

Cue the lensflare, as Americon lifts them both not-so-gracefully off the ground!...or just as Collateral gets a faceful of thruster. "ACKPHTHBPTH!!" She lets go, landing with a loud 'WHUD' on her aft while flailing to get the char off her face.

Rippersnapper remains in the bombed rubble for a while. Why is it every time he shows up for something these days he ends up burried under stuff? First he was sunk to the bottom of the Thames. Then he was burried under the exploded sand in Giza... now a church.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/33                     Posted        Author Galvatron's Funeral? Fri Jan 02   ZNN -- FUNERAL SERVICE HELD FOR ROBOTIC TYRANT GALVATRON

It was a sunny, beautiful day in Orlando Florida, at least it was until the Decepticons, robotic invaders from another world, attacked the well-known Dominion Church during a quadruple wedding and held it, and everyone inside of it, hostage as the Decepticons used the church to host a funeral. This funeral was for none other than the Decepticons' leader, Galvatron. This is the first time it has become public knowledge that the once fearsome tyrant is dead.

Eyewitness accounts at the scene suggest that the Decepticons were "jerks," and that their ceremony was a surreal freakshow. "I couldn't tell if they loved the guy, or if they hated him," said Arnold McKenzie, a survivor of the funeral. "And when they weren't singing his praises half-heartedly, they were all promoting themselves as his replacement. Then they were going to get drunk! If my funeral goes like this, I swear I'll come back from the dead and kill my whole family off."

The Decepticons then destroyed the church with high-explosive bombs, but in what is hailed as a miracle by Dominion Church's Minister McClaine, no one was killed in the blasts, despite the survivors being trapped under rubble for hours before being saved by rescue crews. "Well, there was that guy that got clapped to death," Minister McClaine said to reporters. "But, uh, he was probably an atheist anyway."

EDC representatives stated that this attack would not go unchallenged, and that they are glad Galvatron is dead.

(The report is accompanied by a crude artist's sketch of Scrapper, Collateral, Shadow, Fusillade, Rippersnapper, Catechism, Americon, and Fleet beating up an effigy of Galvatron, with the caption of: DECEPTICONS PRACTICING THEIR STRANGE FUNERAL RITES)

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