Reports Board Archive May 2029

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/1 (timeout warning)    Posted        Author Picard to Captain Enterprise      Mon May 12    Minister Picard --

Video clips from a Picard Press conference: Picard speaks again in his great English accent! This time the French Prime Minister is gathered in Paris with a crowd of people! Minister Picard goes on the microphone to now announce it! "France and the Decepticons are now part of the Lemon Party Organization. Together, we can promise a better future. What does the EDC promise you? More war, blood, and death!" "Hurray for the Decepticons!" shouts Professor Bratwurst. "They're MY choice of evil overlord, ja! I'd rather have Galvatron that Briar every day, at least I know my cellar babies won't be taken from me!" The press junket starts chanting, "Up with Decepticons, down with Briar!" The cougar in the press corps makes sure the Minister sees her ampleness bouncing. "Oh I just love a sweaty bald head!" she cries to him. Picard speaks again, Clearly the crowd has been pleased by me and will continue to feel the pleasure! France is going to be the one saved country!

A video clip shows Sunder perched on a rooftop. You can hear shouting from Professor Bratwurst, "OH MEIN GOTT! Zat Gargoyle looks just like ze General Michael Briar's mother! Ja, ja. See on ze gargoyle, ze beard? Ze general's mother, sie hast ein MUCH bushier one.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/2                      Posted        Author EDC Kidnapping                    Thu May 15    Anonymous -- A rumor is spreading that an EDC trooper has been kidnapped by the Decepticons. It is unknown as to why the abduction took place, and doubtful that the captured soldier, said to be a mere teenager, is of any use to the Deceptions who have taken him. There are speculations that he may have already been executed.

The site of the abduction is being investigated.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/3                      Posted        Author Sweeps surf Paris-with hostages! Mon May 19   Dredclaw -- Independant Parisian news channels break into their normal broadcast day for a 'this just in' type of story: Two Sweeps can be seen, one riding the other like a giant surfboard. They are buzzing the Eiffel Tower as well as other major landmarks. The one on top can be seen holding something over his head, laughing. As the shakey camera guy tries to zoom in, it can just be seen that what the surfing sweep is holding, is a little girl! She seems to be shrieking her head off, and possibly... laughing!? None of the camera angles or security footage can get a clear shot of her face for identification, but they will surely keep trying. The surfing Sweep then covers the girl up in his hands and away from the prying lenses with a snarl, and the trio zoom off and away, towards the countryside.

The reporters speculate on the meaning of this. Pro Decepticon outlets maintain that the Sweeps are now giving thrill rides to children while most of the other channels point out that this is what France can expect if it continues to pander to Galvatron's empire: Its children terrorized by maurading mechs.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/4                      Posted        Author Moscow Back Under Allied Control  Tue May 20    Scrapper --

MOSCOW BACK UNDER ALLIED CONTROL

MOSCOW - In a pitched skirmish in the skies over Moscow, Earth Defence Command and Autobot forces have cleared out the "Decepticon presence" in Moscow early last evening. The joint strike squadron consisted of four aerial allied units, though an EDC official declined commenting on which specific soldiers were involved.

Earth Defence Command cautions all Russian citizens to be on the lookout for remaining Decepticon booby traps, citing a number of weapons built by the Decepticons and transformed to resemble common objects found in a city. Local residents noted missile launchers disguised as telephone poles, acid sprayers as drinking fountains, and laser cannons as park benches, among other various traps. Several witnesses noted that during the brief Decepticon occupation, the Constructicons would routinely tear down normal objects, only to build in their place a weaponized version.

Colonel Faireborn was quoted as saying that bomb and scanner squads would be searching for any dangerous devices that might have been left behind, and the Kup promised that Autobot forces would be stationed in the city to help against Decepticon retaliation. He then asked that all reporters "get off his damn lawn."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/5                      Posted        Author The Death of Michael Briar        Tue May 20    CNNewsNet -- Reports are filtering in from sources in Russia, the story to be quickly taken up by news agencies all over the world (and even a few interplanetary news services).

General Michael Jenson Briar - gifted engineer, ace Exo-pilot, trusted ally of the Autobots, and leader and very backbone of the EDC - has passed away in the vast East Siberia region of embattled Russia.

Detials are slightly sketchy, but it seems the late General succumbed to injuries he suffered in battle with Galvatron himself, leader of the Decepticons. General Briar led a combined EDC-Autobot team in a brutal battle to liberate East Siberia from Decepticon control. During the battle he managed to rescue newly appointed Secretary General Spike Witwicky, but even in his highly advanced Exo-Armor, the wounds General Briar received at the hands of Galvatron himself proved too great.

Very few are doubting the veracity of these claims, and flags have begun to fly at half-mast all over the planet. In countries all over the world, from his native United States to the many nations planetwide where he has lived, travelled and fought (including France), leaders are declaring a day of solemn mourning.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/6                      Posted        Author Briar: International Respect      Wed May 21    CNN Bulletin -- The CNN logo flashes up on screen, with a newsreader in glasses and a sexy outfit reading whilst lounging on the newsdesk.

"And now" she purrs. "Our top story. With the death of EDC General Michael Briar, the world is in mourning. Of course, this isn't the first time he's died, and hopefully it won't be the last. But one nation with a lot to say is that of Carbombya. In a press conference today, the Carbombyan Prime Minister, Mustafa Peepee"

We switch to an arabic press conference room, with Mustafa Peepee on the podium. "Infidels!" he shouts. "That infidel Michael Briar, with his oil guzzling exosuit. We are glad he is dead and so cannot stamp his gigantic carbon footprint all over the planet. And to commemorate this event, we have had all flag poles EXTENDED so that our flags fly at DOUBLE MAST to celebrate his passing."

Back to the newsreader. "More on this as the story develops. And now: drunk celebrities."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/7                      Posted        Author RE: Michael Briar                 Wed May 21    Reseau d'Information --

The French are gathered around as the French President, Pierre Paul mile Rouxe gives a statement. Former Prime Minister Picard is by his right side as well. "Ladies, Gentlemen, and then the non-French. We are gathered here to celebrate the lifetime of Michael J. Fox." There's a commotion from behind him as some of his officials try to correct him. "Oh, forgive me. We are here to remember Michal J. Foster. He was nice British politician. His work in the Labour Member of Parliament for Hastings and Rye will always be remembered by the French as we wished to model ourselves from ---" Another commotion as the officials shout 'Michael J. Briar! Briar!" President Rouxe frowns for a second, as he tries to remember. Picard calmly walks over to Rouxe and says, "EDC general..." Rouxe shrugs, "Well to remember Michael Briar, we will make May 20th from now on... Swine Day! There will be no eating of pork in France on May 20th from now on. BLT sandwiches will become Briar's Lettuce and Tomatoes. The death of this fellow will mark a new era of peace between the French and Decepticons with the EDC as there is no longer a reason to fear them. Our flags will be at half-mass to remind ourselves of the defeat of, resulting in the defeat of Prince Louis of France by William Marshal, 2nd Earl of Pembroke on this very day in 1217 in the Second Battle of England."

French President Rouxe continues, "We also have sad news that Vice President Durand Durand has became sick and I am proudly announce that Antoinne-Rigide Picard is now the vice president. Bishop Myriel will performing a small prayer for the departed EDC general in a second." The Bishop walks to the podium and speaks, "Forget not, never forget that you have promised me to use this silver to become an honest man.... Michael Briar, my brother: you belong no longer to evil, but to good. It is your soul that I am buying for you. I withdraw it from dark thoughts and from the spirit of perdition, and I give it to Galvatron!"

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/8                      Posted        Author Offical Press Conference (part I) Thu May 22    Spike Witwicky -- NOTE: This takes place roughly a few hours after the unconfirmed announcements of Michael's death start trickling in.

The setting for the press conference is the usual kind. Nothing unusual about the shload of mics or the podium bearing the U.N. crest. A few hundred of the media pool have been gathered for this. All the big heavies are in attendance as well. Approixmately one minute after the posted start time of the press conference, Secretary General Witwicky strides to the podium as confident as ever. He turns to face the press, and the world, with haggard eyes that speak of unbelief and grief ringed by dark circles. Perhaps the most noticeable thing is that there is a bandage under one of those eyes and the left arm in a light sling. Letting the press calm down he clears his throat and begins to address the masses:

"Ladies and gentlemen, good morning." he begins in his usual beginning-of-the-conference manner, and the abruptly pauses. "No." he says simply. "As a matter of fact, It's not. It's about as far from a good morning as one can be." he looks out at the crowd. "You see, in the past few hours, defending a icy soviet plain from the presence of a Decepticon outpost we have lost, simply put, one of the finest men this world has /ever/ known. Alongside our autobot compatriots, during a direct action against the self styled Decepticon Emperor, Galvatron. General Michael Briar was lost in action." and he stops speaking, partially to let that sink in and to collect himself with this. It's obvious he has a hard time for a second, but he is a professional man and collects himself and continues to speak.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/9                      Posted        Author Official Press Conference (part II Thu May 22   Spike Witwicky -- Cont'd from previous post:

"The General was a reluctant hero. He did not ask for the fate that befell him, as great men seldom do. He felt he was merely doing his duty in the time and the fashion that it was required of him - no more, no less." he speaks in a hushed, solemn tone as he looks out at the press, into the cameras. "His only concern was to defend this planet of those who would ravage her, protect the men around him at all times and at all costs. He fought valiantly to keep this planet from plunging into outright civil war. Countless times was he tested, and countless times he answered the call."

The Secretary General pauses and looks out again, speaking from his heart, "Michael Briar was at one point my superior officer, and to know him from that side was to know, in full measure, what inspiration is. When I was a Captain in the EDC, I would've followed him to the gates of hell without question." he pauses, about to speak, and the stops. He holds up his hand, "No questions today. You will have your news elsewhere related to this story," he says cryptically. Right now, I'm merely making the official announcement that General Briar is lost. In the interim, Colonel Marissa Fairborne will be overseeing day to day operations of the EDC until a new General is promoted. All members of the United Nations will be in mourning for the next seven days, and the General will be accorded a full state funeral with a special resting place in Arlington Nation Cemetary. That's all I have.." he pauses, shakes his head. "If you are a human that's not under the yoke of Decepticon tyranny or the boot of the Protectorate, and you relish that freedom I would ask two things of you: That you: one, cherish that freedom and enjoy it to it's fullest. It's what Michael would've have wanted. Two: Whatever faith you observe, say a silent prayer for the Briar family. This is a very dark time for them. They could use all the light they can get. Thank you." he says, and leaves the podium to the flashing of cameras and shouting of questions.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/10                     Posted        Author News Story                        Thu May 22    CNNewsNet --

U.N. Moves silent, forward in wake of General's Death -Andi Lohmann, special to CNNewsNet

The General Assembly of the United Nations opened this morning with a moment of silence in honor of fallen EDC General Michael Briar, lead by Secretary General Witwicky shortly having delivered the news of the well known military commander's death to the globe. "In honor of our fallen friend, comrade, and hero, we will limit today's agenda to two items only. The rest of the day will spent remembering our friend." Spike Witwicky said, looking sligtly injured himself. The first motion was a resolution to do something that until had never been done: Placing Galvatron at the top of every most wanted list, unilaterally, that the United Nations had access to as well as establishing a five hundred million dollar bounty on the Decepticon Commnader's head. "The Decepticons, by and large, have always been the Autobot's problem by default. They, like our Autobot friends, are much more advanced, much more powerful, and much larger than us." he says, "However, I have seen what happens when two determined humans take on the refurbished Megatron," the Secretary General stated in the Assembly Chamber, "and I say flatly: He can be defeated. So it is with this I say: Megatron, Galvatron..whatever -tron you call yourself these days...you are no longer the hunter but the hunted. I saw what happens when but two humans and two autobots squared off with you. Let's see how you deal with the rest of the Autobots and an entire global population of people. If I do nothing else but make the rest of your life a living hell, I'll consider it a succsess."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/11                     Posted        Author News Story 2                      Thu May 22    CNNewsNet --

The second story was the introduction of House Resolution ID4-07. In preparations for the past three weeks, it's garnered the nickname "The Pullman Act" among U.N. insiders. It's approval into law would allow any standing Secretary General so qualified to fight alongside the EDC in times where the addition of reinforcements would be savored by flagging forces. It's other purpose is to serve as an inspirational call to soldiers in times where the outlook seems bleak. "For a soldier in a fight where he is outnumbered and overgunned, can be the bleakest of times." The Secretary General said, obviously advocating the resolution. "In those trying hours, a man's spirit can leave him - allowing him to be defeated before he can even fight." he also added, "Sometimes, reinforcements are not enough. But if a man sees the very head of the orginization he's fighting for, armed, ready to fight alongside him? That can make all the difference. A difference like that can turn the tides of a lopsided battle. It can bring men to greatness, to rise above the seemingly insurmountable odds and win the day. A difference like that cannot be overlooked." On the heels of this, the General Assembly voted to NOT censure The Secretary General for his actions in Siberia.

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/12                     Posted        Author CNN News: COIL                    Sun May 25    CNN News Team --

A CNN newsreporter with images of smashed cars and damaged signs appears on television! "This is Richard Patrick reporting live from London, England. Last night several cities in Europe reported similiar crimes of vandalization of cars, walls, and street signs. The phrase, 'The Coil Commander is coming for you!' was etched and painted wherever possible. An eye witness report referred to these criminals as 'militants, armed with rifles.' No reports indicate that anyone was injured during this crimewave. However other reports suggest that 'The Coil' is an organization that is strongly opposed to the EDC."

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===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/13                     Posted        Author Michael Briar: Remembered         Sun May 25    Action News Team --

"...and earlier today we got an /exclusive/ interview with Autobot bigwig /Hot Spot/ to share /his/ thoughts on the passing of EDC luminary Michael Briar."



"The kid supposedly grew up in a bad part of Detroit with an abusive dad. Well, I actually /did/ grow up south of 8 Mile -- 8 Mile, Cybertron -- where I spent 7 vorns of my life sharing a car with my mother which we called a house. His life was a cake walk and they turned him into this emo angsty whiney little girl of a char who spent the first 20 issues or so of his own book on a constant stream of lucky breaks that he destroyed or ignored while complaining about how crappy life was. I get that there's more to him, and I can see the allure for your average reader, but to me it's insulting, demeaning, and not only hard to read, but down right disrepectful of people who /do/ manage to come up through that life and make something of themselves not through luck but through hard work. The issues of his book I read seemed to make light of real problems. It didn't help any that the artist drew him as a pouty little creep."



"He's been dosed on robot LSD, I'm sorry, but this interview is over."



"Ha, ha, teriffic. In other news..."

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=================================================================  Solid Walls of Soundwave says, "Is that the doofus doing the a capella stuff?" (New BB message (22/42) posted to 'EDC' by Scrapper: From Dee-Kal)