Reports Board Archive July 2029

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/35                     Posted        Author Lucifer's Hammer                  Wed Jul 02    Sky At Night -- The Sky At Night theme plays as astronomer Sir Patrick Moore plays his xylophone.

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/patrick+moore/

"Well well!" he mumbles, adjusting his monocle. "Interesting news in the sky tonight as a new comet enters the solar system! Nicknamed 'Lucifer's Hammer', this bright object was spotted only last night, and is sure to prove a treat for all your sky watchers in the southern hemisphere!"

He plays the xylophone again. "Now, onto light pollution..."

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/36                     Posted        Author On This Holiday... Thu Jul 03   CNNewsNet --


 * At the tail end of one of those morning talk shows full of recipies, human interest stories, and maybe even a little news when floating fat men are not delivery horrible prophecy about the weather*

The newswoman sitting at her desk, looking at the camera: "..and finally on this Fourth of July holiday, we conclude our five-part series on signifigant moments in history and the signifigant words at those moments. Today we wrap up, appropriately enough, with words from Secretary General Spike Witwicky - before he was either - making remarks before Earth's first concentrated and coordinated counterattack against Decepticon forces. We apologize for the quality of the video, as it was taken from an onlooker's cell phone at the time:"

The screen fades to back with Spike standing in front of a jeep with a bullhorn. He's a much younger man, older than he was during the first Battle of Autobot City but younger than he is now. He's wearing an old exo-pilot's suit and speaking through the loudspeaker of an early-generation exo which shows just how long the old man's been around--

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"

The screen fades out and into an ad for meat.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/37                     Posted        Author Crystal City                      Mon Jul 07    Airwolf -- Text only.

Except by special permission, Crystal City is sealed to all non-citizens until such time as the internal Decepticon matter is resolved. My apologies to those who are inconvenienced by this policy, but threats were made against the city, and its safety comes first. My thanks to those who have already offered support; however, it is as yet unneeded.

Airwolf Governor of Crystal City

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/38                     Posted        Author UFOs? Tue Jul 08   Durango -- Off-handed reports of "flying donut-shaped saucers" begin trickling in.

Radar and scanners support this, but as of yet, none have landed, or stayed in orbit long enough to be intercepted.

Long-range scans show that there might be two, maybe three foriegn objects flying around the solar system. No radio contact.

They're coming.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/39                     Posted        Author From the Blogosphere              Tue Jul 08    Pitchfork --

Future-Pass-Agg.Net has a special guest blogger this evening: the first robot to make Decepticons look like more than Sensitive New Age Terrorists -- Pitchfork.

I'd like to thank FPAN for letting me sit in for my good pal Snoosh Buton, who is in jail because he punched A Gremlarkian Killtekkk WomanneBot's Space-Vagina into orbit. But let's get to the matter at hand: Space Nazis. There's not anything cool about being genocidial. I mean, we're robots. I'm a Decepticon so tehcnically I destroy things and punch out senators and tip over cows or whatever we do, but it's not like I want every Autobot dead all the time. If they took off that tacky red symbol-face-thing I'd settle for them rotting in prison forever. Listen, Space Nazis, you're basing your whole outlook on that, uh, Albert Himmler guy? He had facial hair. You know who else has facial hair? SWEEPS. Facial Hair is the most embarrassing thing for a robot to have, think about or pay homage to. Reconsider, Space Nazis. See you at the Nebula Parties!

Oh, wait. No I won't. No one would let your Nazi ass past the bouncer!

Til next time, I am most assuredly hailing Galvatron and doing my assigned duty as a Decepticon Warrior.

(I will be at the Horsehead Nebula by 22:00)

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/40                     Posted        Author Six Lasers Spotlight: Pequod      Tue Jul 08    Scrapper --

Broadcast from one end of the Galaxy to the other in every conceivable language, modified to be culture appropriate. As usual, there is no spoken dialog. Instead there is an orchestra score along with large white block letters. The music is instantly recognized by anyone with even a slightest interest in Terran culture.

Dun dun... dun dun...

The view is black, though air bubbles zipping by give the impression that the camera is moving rapidly forward. The view brightens to a deep blue. A dark shape briefly swims across the camera, blocking out what little light there was. The words 'FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE MERCURY OCEAN...' appear, but are then flooded over by the dark seas and fade out. The view brightens more as the camera desperately swims upwards towards the surface. Mass schools of alien fish of all colours, some adorned with spikes, some glowing some radioactive colour, and some with long fins that stretch out over a metre, appear swimming in a chaotic fashion that seems orderly only to them.

The camera breaks through the choppy waves, revealing an alien ocean. A huge rusty freighter of some unknown design smashes its way through the waves. Aliens man the decks. One of them has an eye patch and a hook replacing one of his tentacles. Cannons point off of both sides of the ship. A Jolly Roger flag is hoisted, with an octopus-skull crossed with a laser cutlass and energy blaster. It isn't clear if the makers wanted this to be taken seriously or as total camp. 'TO THE DANGEROUS SURFACE OF THE OCEAN...'

The music is at the part where Jaws is going to eat someone. The viewpoint speeds up, blowing past the pirate freighter and skimming along the water towards a bizarre vaguely pyramid shaped alien oceanside town. The camera lifts up into the air, giving an aerial shot of the city. A large section of it is a water park, with water rides where  are sliding down, huge pools where  are swimming and splashing each other, and aquatic zoos where  are learning. 'TO THE CAPITAL CITY OF GOTTLIEB...'

The camera dives down to the amusement park. Everyone looks like they're having a great time on the water rides. There's a Pirates of the Magnaron Lake show going on. The words 'THE BIGGEST WATER THEME PARK IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE' appear, followed by 'SIX LASERS OVER PEQUOD'. The camera pulls back away from the city, passing through the thick cloud cover until there's a view of the entire planet as a whole. It looks awfully green for a planet supposedly covered with something that might be water or might be mercury.

THE 2029 GALACTIC OLYMPICS AUGUST 8th

Contact information appears before the transmission ends.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/41                     Posted        Author Life Found on Europa              Tue Jul 08    Science Daily -- MICRO-ORGANISMS DISCOVERED LIVING ON EUROPA

Yesterday, the Tundra 8 probe, a remotely controlled drone sponsored by the privately owned Solar System Research Center discovered the existence of microscopic life-forms living under the ice of Europa, one of Jupiter's moons. The probe, which had been designed to burrow beneath the moon's ice and explore the interior of the moon, located the organisms living near thermal vents on Europa's ocean floors.

"This is very exciting!" said Project Lead Dan Messier. "There's like, life on other worlds! Well, ok, so we already know that, but if we had never met those giant robots and other assorted space aliens, this would be really incredible!"

Scientists have long suspected that there was life on Europa, but due to funding problems, logistical issues, and Earth's unexpected involvement in an intergalactic war between the Autobots and Decepticons, it has only now been possible to investigate the moon in detail.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/42                     Posted        Author Advertisement                     Sat Jul 12    Monstereo -- A vague text only advertisement on all planetary networks is run once every hour. The Great Decepticon Debate. Coming soon to KNUJ. Stay tuned, boob-tubers.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/43                     Posted        Author Six Lasers Spotlight: Cheyne      Sun Jul 20    Scrapper --

Broadcast from one end of the Galaxy to the other in every conceivable language, modified to be culture appropriate. A loud solitary twang of a guitar, followed by a slow tune on a harmonica kicks off the ad, while the image stays dark for several long seconds.

The view brightens, showing a barren landscape with shrubs dotting the terrain. The sun is setting, and the plants and rocks cast long shadows. The harmonica tune fades. The words 'WELCOME TO THE FRONTIER...' appear. An alien tumbleweed rolls by.

The clip-clop of heavy feet can be heard. An Ig-Yac (giant green bipedal lizard - like Yoshi, but less cute) slowly trudges in from stage left. An alien wearing a cowboy hat is slumped over in the saddle. Exotic space six shooters are at its hip. There's a loud twang of a guitar as the rider makes his way across the screen. 'THE WILD WESTERN HEMISPHERE OF SPACE...'

As the rider nears the right edge of the screen, the camera pans to keep him in view, revealing an old wooden town. There's a space saloon and a space ranch. Most importantly, however, is that another space cowboy is standing opposite of the Ig-Yac rider with a mean look on its face. Either that or the space cowboy is just ugly.

There's another twang on the guitar. The words 'NO LAWS' appears, blatantly exaggerating. The first space cowboy slowly gets off his Ig-Yac, facing the second. Neither draws just yet. It's a standoff. 'NO ORDER' Cue another twang of a guitar.

There's a close-up of both gunfighters. The Ig-yac paws at the ground, agitated. Neither space cowboy backs down. Neither have said a word to each other. Suddenly both reach for their six shooters, but the scene fades to black before the resolution is shown. 'SIX LASERS OVER CHEYNE' A kickin' country tune kicks off as a view of the entire planet is shown. It looks like a dustball even from orbit.

THE 2029 GALACTIC OLYMPICS AUGUST 8th

Contact information appears before the transmission ends.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/44                     Posted        Author Devastator Attacks NYC            Sun Jul 20    Scrapper --

DEVASTATOR ATTACKS NEW YORK CITY

NEW YORK - At least four Autobots - Springer, Focus, Grimlock, and Bumblebee - were defeated and an Autobot Shuttle was forced to make a crash landing in the East River after a battle against Devastator in Queens on Sunday night. The Decepticon combiner, widely believed to be the first such war machine, was apparently targeting a 500 MW Combined-Cycle Power Plant in Astoria, Queens. The 14 year old building suffered heavy damage to one of its walls, roof, and the surrounding parking lot. The plant has been temporarily shut down as a result. Experts have confirmed that there is "no risk" to the general population, and initial estimates put the repair time at three-five months before the plant can be used again.

Despite the casualties on the Autobot side both in personnel and their shuttle craft, officials have noted that the Decepticons failed to reach their target, and that no power was siphoned from the plant. In an unusual move, Autobot Command has denied commenting on the seriousness of the injuries, citing security reasons.

City officials have also begun a plan to work with the Autobots to haul the Autobot Ol' Rusty out of the East River. After being struck in the battle, the shuttle's pilot narrowly avoided landing in Queens or Manhattan. The ship is undergoing an assessment and will require heavy Autobot assistance to extract.

The pilot of the Ol' Rusty, Autobot bounty hunter Defcon, commented to the press: "Destruction is really an inevitability when dealing with Devastator and other gestalt types. Although the damage was sufficient, it would have been ten times that much if the Autobots hadn't responded to the emergency. Rest assured that the proper tech teams will be notified to inspect and begin repairs upon the vicinity."

Although Devastator threatened to destroy an apartment building, for unclear reasons he did not follow through. Before separating into the Constructicons and fleeing, the Combiner wrote on the power plant's parking lot with his eye lasers. The message, barely legible, read 'Quit sending your morons to NCC', presumably referring to New Crystal City, the Decepticon stronghold.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/45                     Posted        Author Powerglide Forced Into Marriage!? Wed Jul 23   Americon -- (Courtesy of the AP:)

CRAZED HEIRESS ATTEMPTS TO FORCE AUTOBOT POWERGLIDE TO MARRY HER

In a bizarre story that even this seasoned veteran reporter of numerous wars, catastrophes, and alien incidents has trouble believing, the once famous and beloved heiress, Astoria Carlton-Ritz, concocted a plan to lure the Autobot Powerglide into a trap, and, I am not making this up, force him to marry her. A PMC group, the elite Raven Mantis Corporation, was working with her to achieve this goal and prevent the Autobots and their Junkion allies (pictures are included of Wreck-Gar, Steeljaw, Dee-Kal, and some guy in a sombrero) from rescuing Powerglide.

Apparently, according to some reports, Astoria succeeded in getting Powerglide to marry her, but this is in dispute because the service was performed by Wreck-Gar, leader of the Junkions, and it is not known if he has the authority to perform such services. The marriage was also disrupted by the arrival of the San Francisco Police Department, who arrested Astoria and those members of Raven Mantis that failed to escape the scene of the crime.

Astoria was then brought to the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, which is still in the middle of an intense legal battle with DC Comics over the ownership of that asylum's name.

In a related story, *I f---ing quit.* 

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/46                     Posted        Author EDC Salvages Giant Asteroid       Fri Jul 25    James Bailey --

EDC SETS GIANT METAL ASTEROID TO ORBIT THE EARTH.

COPERNICUS STATION (EARTH ORBIT) - In what EDC officials are calling 'a deep-space salvage operation', the EDC has towed a giant metal asteroid into orbit of Earth. Details are sketchy, but official sources indicate the EDC intends to mine the asteroid, labelled 'Harvest One', for metals to use in repairs of the Copernicus Space Station, recently damaged in a Decepticon attack. It's been suggested that the amount of raw material available in an asteroid of this size should exceed by far the requirements for such a repair project, leaving questions on what the EDC plans to do with the remainder.

'Harvest One' is currently in stable geosynchronous orbit and is maintaining a distance of 30 kilometers from Copernicus station. Many times larger than the station itself, it is also visible from the surface of Earth if the viewer knows where to look and the skies are clear enough.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/47                     Posted        Author Six Lasers Spotlight - Nepsa      Fri Jul 25    Blueshift -- Broadcast from one end of the Galaxy to the other in every conceivable language, modified to be culture appropriate. The music starts slow and classical, an orchestral piece, that suddenly explodes into jazzy, exciting music as the camera zooms along the surface of a snowy tundra, avoiding obstacles and flags and small puppies.

The words "THE GREATEST SNOW IN THE GALAXY!" appear over the landscape as the camera pans out, revealing hundreds of skiers of all races skiing down hills.

"DANGER!" The camera starts to race through a forest as terrifying grey yeti with stick arms and legs leap out, mouths gnashing as they try to grab the cameraman.

"HISTORY!" The view switches to the sight of one of the planet's ancient Ice Temples, every facet sparkling in the sun, as native villagers wander past.

"DISCO!" Lights shine onto an ice rink, and several fat men on drive around in circles to the tune of 'Staying Alive'.

The scene then focuses on a tourist wearing a crown, semi-naked girls writhing their bodies against him, as he rubs himself with money that falls from the ceiling. "COME TO NEPSA - WHERE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!" flashes on the screen as the jazzy music picks up again. "SIX LASERS OVER NEPSA!"

THE 2029 GALACTIC OLYMPICS AUGUST 8th Contact information appears before the transmission ends.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/48                     Posted        Author Planet Furr'hi Destroyed          Fri Jul 25    Americon -- (Courtesy of the Intergalactic Times:)

PLANET FURR'HI DESTROYED BY IMPACT WITH MOON

Reports from the Assembly of Worlds Rescue Corps suggest that a horrifying catastrophe has occurred on the planet Furr'hi. The once lush green paradise, inhabited by numerous animal/human hybrids known as Furr'hi's, or "Furries," was destroyed when its own moon somehow crashed into its surface. The impact of the moon caused the atmosphere of Furr'hi to ignite explosively and completely scoured the planet of all life, and both celestial bodies are breaking up into chunks. An Assembly of Worlds Rescue vessel responded to a strange distress signal from the planet, but was believed destroyed when the moon collided with the planet.

Director Nrathhh'is of the Rescure Corps was quoted as saying, "We've been trying very hard to save these Furries from extinction, but it seems like they have been the constant victim of genocide and disaster for years. Furr'hi was one of only two planets still inhabited by Furries. Now, it looks like even this refuge is no more. If only the galaxy had been more tolerant of their seemingly strange ways, this would not have happened. Oh, and these rumors of the Furries following some kind of strange monster are just laughable."

However, Captain Baxx of the controversial Anti-Furr'hi Legion, said, "The Assembly tolerated these damn freaks for too long, and turned a blind eye as they illegally immigrated onto inhabited worlds, where they would attack and devour innocent people, as well as perform other acts I shudder to think about. But, heheh, fortunately NATURE took care of this little problem."

We'll have more on this strange mystery, so stay tuned.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/49                     Posted        Author Six Lasers Spotlight - Planet XXX Sat Jul 26    Scrapper --

Broadcast from one end of the Galaxy to the other in every conceivable language, modified to be culture appropriate. This broadcast is not included in the standard Six Lasers tourism package, and is a bit tougher to find.

The view is pitch black. Slow, sultry music plays. A bright red silhouette sashays and dances across the screen in an alluring manner. The words 'PLANET XXX...' appear. The silhouette continues to slowly dance back and forth before fading. '...YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO' Blowing a kiss to the viewer, the silhouette dances off the screen.

THE 2029 GALACTIC OLYMPICS AUGUST 8th

Contact information appears before the transmission ends.

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/50                     Posted        Author Shawn Berger Jr.? Mon Jul 28   Americon -- (Excerpted from the Primetime talk show, Geraldo Rivera Live:)

"Mr. Shawn Berger Jr.," Geraldo asks from one side of the split-screen. The infamous reporter/investigator looks incredibly ancient in 2029. "You claim to be the son of Shawn Berger, the well-known businessman who fell into disgrace during the 80's for his involvement in a Decepticon conspiracy. Aren't you ashamed of what your father did back then?"

Shawn Berger Jr., who looks almost exactly like his father, save for a goatee and a slightly different hair color, frowns a bit from his side of the split-screen. "My... father did nothing wrong, Mr. Rivera. He was tricked by the Decepticons, just like everyone else. I mean, they're very... tricky, those Decepticons."

Geraldo Rivera is such an awesome host that he doesn't press the question. "Alright, then. How do you explain your sudden emergence into public life? This is the first time we've ever even heard of Shawn Berger having a son."

Shawn Berger Jr. coughs and shifts a bit. "I, ah, I, yes, well, I didn't just drop out of the sky, you know, I've been, ah, in the background, uh, until now. But here I am, and I'm ready to inherit the family company, as well as my father's land. I will pick up where my father left off."

Geraldo Rivera frowns. "Your father's land? Didn't anyone tell you?"

"Tell me... what?"

"Almost fourty years ago, ten years after your father disappeared, the Government declared him to be dead, presuming him to have been killed by the Decepticons. The Government held your land in trust, and since he had no known heirs at the time, it was given over to the Autobots."

"...what."

"They built a city there."

"...WHAT."

"Kind of a transforming battle-fortress, really."

"WHAT!?!? I... had thousands of acres... a mansion!..."

"It's gone now, Mr. Berger."

"You... I..." Shawn Berger Jr. sweats like a convict getting grilled by an expert detective, his eyes darting about, looking at nothing. "No... no... everything... it can't be gone! Damn you, you robots, you'll pay for this!" Shawn Berger Jr. snarls as he runs off-camera, which leaves Rivera free to occupy the full screen.

"Well, that was interesting," Rivera says. "Next up, Bill O'Reilly, who is also somehow still alive after all these years. We're going to play our little game where we try and scream at each other about immigration until one of us has another heart attack. I won the last round, let's see if I can keep up my winning streak!"

=
=================================================================

=
===================== Reports =================================== Message: 9/51                     Posted        Author Decepticons Surrender! Tue Jul 29   Cyclonus -- YOU BEEN ZAPPED SON

=
=================================================================  || Shockwave says, "So Sounders & Galv, my AFC spot is open since I put Cosmos back on the shelf. Every time I hear a Beastie Boys song I want to play a tape thug for a while though. Should I pick up Frenzy or Rumble, and if so, which one?"