|Function||CREATIVE FORCE OF NATURE|
MIKE HASBRO, ACTION CEO and CREATIVE FORCE OF NATURE! Have you ever wondered why Transformers can be, well, weird? Do things sometimes just not make sense? Is life not fair?
Mike Hasbro doesn't care. Mike Hasbro is the reason why.
Blaster and Soundwave: Why One is Cool
"All right, team. I've got an idea." The long-suffering toymaker explained to his equally exhausted assistants. "So we're going to have two cassette based Transformers: Soundwave and Blaster. They'll be brothers, separated by the war, and we can use their mutual creations, their cassettes, to explore their philosophy and get to the bottom of this confl-" It's at this point that the window shatters and MIKE HASBRO combat rolls into the room. He takes out the toymaker at the knees, like he was Hound or something. "YOU LISTEN GOOD!" He demands. "We're going all in on Soundwave. /All. In./ We're gonna make him 90s cool-" "-sir it's 1983-" "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH MIKE HASBRO KNOWS THE FUTURE. He'll be quiet and taciturn and electronic and all the things the kids will like. Can we make him smoke? No? He doesn't have a mouth? Screw it, put a big cigarette thing on his shoulder. We'll make a fortune, everyone will remember him, it's genius." "-sir what about Blast-" "WHAT ABOUT HIM? Make him 70s cool. We still have some JIVE TURKEY left over from Jazz, just paint him yellow and use what you've got left. All your good cassette ideas? Soundwave. 20 years from now I don't want ANYONE to be able to remember anything that Blasters shot out of his chest to die cold and alone, understand?"
Sex Based Designing
Furman's tooling around with the Transformer types, "See the best thing about the Cybertronians is that there's only comradarie among them, and we can avoid such tricky things like real relationships in the..." And then suddenly MIKE HASBRO ACTION CEO smashes through the ceiling and pimpslaps Furman, "They gotta be boy mechs! But not too much boy mech, because I been reading this thing called the Seduction of the Innocent. Make sure half of em have girlfriends, but we don't need toys for em, girls don't want bots! But just in case, make them all pastels or pink! Then get them off screen FOREVER. Cept One, it'll be sexy! One girlbot and seven HUNDRED boy bots!" Furman blanches, "Well, I guess can make a feisty tragic..." And then Hasbro punches him in the neck, "I SAID SHE WAS A GIRL, BEING A GIRL *IS* HER PERSONALITY! And Make her EVEN PINKER. GIVE OPTIMUS A GIRLFRIEND SO WE KNOW HE'S NOT GAY! I'm done here!" And then he smashes out a window with a headbutt, and flies away, "MIKE HASBROOOOOOO!!!"
It was a bright and beautiful 80s day, made all the more 80s by the fact that a few neighborhood kids had gathered together underneath the neighborhood tree to play in the neighborhood sandbox with their very favorite toys: HASBRO TRANSFORMERS.
"EHEHEHEHEH!" Said little Timmy as he mimicked the sound of a machinegun with his Starscream, which doesn't have a machine gun. "PEW PEW!" He said again, switching to a new weapon he also didn't have. "I'm gonna get you Ironhide!" Timmy declared, swooping Starscream in for a SICK strafing run.
"No you're not!" Said Bob, because kids were still named Robert back then. "I've got a forcefield!" Ironhide does not have a forcefield. But such was the force of Robert's imagination that, on that glorious 80s afternoon, any farce was possible. Except one.
"Hey guys!" Declared young Danforth, the oddly named kid who had just moved to the cul de sac. "Can I play?" He asked. The other boys sized up the other youth. "You got a TRANSFORMER?" Timmy asked, holding up his Starscream. "You bet!" Danforth had never been prouder. Now was his moment! He produced his toy
And the other boys laughed at him! Danforth was crestfallen. "That's a GIRL robot!" Sneered Bob. And sure enough, Danforth, whose family was only half-assedly into the latest trends, had purchased him an Arcee. "Man, that's lame!" Timmy chimed in. "You're lame." Michael J. Fox's ghost! Danforth could feel an adult therapy session coming on. In about thirty years. Suddenly, things took a turn for the violent, as they often do! "Gimme that!" Bob, being a portly young man, snatched away Danforth's Arcee! "You shouldn't play with dolls!" To Danforth's horror, Bob's grubby little sausage fingers ripped his Arcee's head right off.
"NOOOOO!" Danforth cried, the love of Rodimus and Springer welling up in his tiny frame. Laughing, the boys tossed the broken toy back to the broken boy. They retreated to their sandbox of imagination, to plot out more fake war. Danforth took the two pieces of his very own HASBRO TRANSFORMER, and sighed. "Man. I wish I had an awesome toy...then I'd show them..."
"Psst. Hey kid." Danforth's eyes shot up to the limbs of the neighborhood tree, and who should he find?!?! "MIKE HASBRO!" All three boys declared in unison! "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT!" The ACTION CEO dropped from his tree with an unnecessary combat roll, knocking Bob and Timmy right on their smarmy asses. The mighty executive whipped around, now looming over young Danforth. "NOBODY breaks precious merchandise without paying for a replacement around MIKE HASBRO! Listen and listen good, young Danforth, because on this day MIKE HASBRO will make all your dreams come true!" He snatched up the broken Arcee. "Yes...yes...I know just what to do!" That mischievous elf grinned from ear to ear. "You didn't give them all your toys, did you son? NO, you're like me...there's always a trick up your sleeve!" He extended his hand, calloused with the work of a thousand creative miracles.
Hesitantly, Danforth reached into his pocket and produced a piece his neglectful parents picked up at a garage sale. He deposited into the CEO's hands...A Daniel Witwicky. "PERFECT!" The maestro declared. "Now keep your peepers peeled, Danforth, don't you dare look away...You watch and you watch GOOD, or with another TRANSFORMER you'll never play!" The rhyming threat rooted the child to the spot, and he watched, eyes growing wide with horror, as MIKE HASBRO worked his magic. He twisted and he squeezed, he tortured he contorted. Before the child, his innocent sundered, Daniel was changed, and Arcee given a new Master! "THERE." MIKE HASBRO declared, extending the new toy back to Danforth.
The young man took the toy, his hands trembling. It was a miracle: Arcee looked the same. But Danforth knew in his heart what that head hid. "Now run and play with the other boys!" MIKE HASBRO declared. "HEADMASTERS, young Danforth, they'll be big in Japan!"
Creative, at Hasbro was at a crossroads. Still eager to explore more of the woefully underutilized gestalt series, the toy designers were hard at work.
"In theory, the Scramble City project was going to work fine, but I guess Marketing decided differently." The suit said to his coworkers, "But now on to our next project. The purple guys have the lead now in gestalts, so what can we add to the...." He looks down at his paper, then pronounces clumsily, "Auh-Tow-Bots....to give them an equal footing."
Suddenly the table the team was sitting at suddenly starts to crack, and MIKE HASBRO, ACTION CEO bursts out of it. "Not while I'm around!"
"Holy Hell!" One man exclaimed as he fell out of his chair. Covered in balsa wood, Mike Hasbro leaps forward and takes out the businessman at the knees. One remarks, "Were you...were you sealed into the table just now?
Mike Hasbro turns head just enough to glare at the second executive. Hasbro's gleam in his eyes is so intimidating, the executive actually turns to glass and shatters right in front of him.
"LISTEN UP!" Hasbro bellows, "WE NEED MORE MONSTERS. I WANT AN ENTIRE TEAM OF EM." The one man left standing blanches, "uh, Monsters sir?" Suddenly Hasbro is in his face, "MONSTERS! THE COOL KIDS LIKE EM, MONSTERS ARE ALL THE RAGE NOW, CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF EM! MAKE ONE OF EM A TWO-HEAD SNAKE MONSTER!"
The beleagured exec on the floor moves to stand, "You mean a Hydra?" Hasbro kicks him in the shins again, knocking him back down, "NO! MAKE THE *OTHER* ONE A HYDRA." The floored exec raises his hands in a defensive posture, "I...I guess we could use the Scramble City template!" Mike Hasbro sweeps him at the legs again, which doesn't do much good as he's already on the ground, "GIVE ONE OF THEM LOW SELF ESTEEM. MAKE ONE A SADIST! THESE ROBOTS WILL BE ALL PSYCHOPATHS!"
The second exec blanches, "Uhm, Sir, I don't think self esteem issues are part of being a psyc...." And then Hasbro kicks the table, pinning him to wall. "MAKE ONE OF THEM LIKE THIS!" He slams down a piece of playdoh that vaguely looked like something, "MY THREE YEAR OLD MADE IT. IT'LL BE ALL THE RAGE. I'M LATE FOR A MEETING"
Mike Hasbro headbutts the wall beside him, sending it crumbling down into the copier room next door, then exits without a word.